Lap Dancing Ain’t Easy

I take this story right out of my little black book of secret stories told to me while working as a bartender at a full nude strip club. It all started with a simple statement I made to a stripper named Lizzy. I told her that she made lap dancing look so easy and it didn’t seem like she has to put any effort into it at all after she made this guy flat crazy with excitement. Lizzy decided to set me straight because obviously I was very confused. Very interesting. As a bartender here I have seen more than my share of lap dances given to customers. Every time it looks as if the stripper does it effortlessly. Again, she feels the need to prove me wrong. Lizzy tells me to watch and learn as she goes to work. I always liked to watch her walk away, she has such a sway in her walk that it’s almost hypnotizing to say the very least. So, before we get into my lesson(s), let me tell you a little bit about Lizzy to see if I can paint a picture of her looks and attitude. If you go to the bottom of this post you will see a picture of Lizzy which can give you an idea of what she looks like. She claims to be a natural blonde, which in her case I have never seen her hair ever fade from how it’s pictured. One could ask if the drapes match the carpet but the answer would be I don’t know, she, like the others here, keep a very clean shave to make sure that they are always bare in all the right places. I think there is a rule here which states all the strippers aren’t allowed to ever have a single stubble, tho it’s just my theory. She is very athletically fit and very well proportioned. But then, my job is not to judge anyone’s appearance, it’s just to admire what they have to offer. In truth, I’ve got the best job because I get completely nude woman in my face whenever I want it and even when I don’t and I get paid to see it all. If I were single and doing this job I don’t think I would even need to be paid. She is stunning to look at. Can you tell Lizzy is one of my favorites?
Fortunately I was caught up and had time to pay close attention to Lizzy doing her next lap dance. Just so happens that she grabbed the pizza delivery guy (Raymond, pictured) for her demonstration. He had just brought me a pizza for my break so he really was just an innocent bystander in all of this. Now, don’t get me wrong, Raymond delivers me pizza about 2 times a week. He works at a mom and pop pizza place right up the street that does $3.00 medium meat lover’s pizza from 9-10 pm every Tuesday and Thursday. He never seems to mind because he gets to hang out in the coolest place in town for a while. He did seem a little surprised to be grabbed by the arm and sat down in a chair right in front of Lizzy. His eyes got pretty big. As far as I know, at least in here, this was his first lap dance and sweet little Lizzy was about to rock his world and pop his cherry. One could tell that he didn’t know what to expect to happen next. Lizzy climbed up on his lap, letting him bear her full weight, as she leaned forward and began to talk quietly in his ear. Pretty bad when she can make a grown man blush before she ever starts anything. She leaned back and took his hands and put them on her waist. She told him to never look anywhere except directly into her eyes. How in the hell that is possible I will never know. For the first song she danced upon his lap, grinding, sliding, and pushing like she was trying to settle into the saddle. Raymond was already all smiles. Lizzy knows this and goes harder and faster. Just so happens the second song was quite slow and it was time to turn up the heat. She slid off his lap, stood up, and did a slow strip out of her bikini. She prowled around him, moving slow and close, showing Raymond how flexible she really is. I guess she used this as an opportunity to play hard and play dirty with Raymond. Needless to say when she was done with Raymond and his lap they were both sweating. One would think we didn’t keep the thermostat @ 62 degrees. As the song ended, she turned her back to Raymond and bent down to pick up he clothes, she stood, turned, bent over to tell him something, and then just slinked away to the back.
Raymond came to the bar, sat down, he was a little out of breath, and asked me for a water and one of my cigarettes. Shit. I obliged his request, I even offered him a free shot of anything at the bar. He thought a minute and asked for a shot of tequila. I slid it out to him, he grabbed it, slammed it, and returned the glass to me never blinking or taking a breath. I think she got to him just a little bit. finally he looked at me and asked “what in the fuck was that all about?” I shook my head and told him I had no idea. Which was a lie, I knew exactly why it happened. Lizzy was out to prove that she could grab a completely sober person, sit him down, and blow his mind without that person ever having a chance to say no. Of course, she did prove her point with Raymond since he sat at the bar in a complete daze for about 10 minutes. About the time he was getting up to leave Lizzy appeared out of the shadows and asked Raymond “how his wood was doing?” Raymond blushed quite badly and she could see she embarrassed him in front of me. I apologized for her question and explained she gets a little aggressive at times and she doesn’t mean any harm. Raymond responded by telling her the his “wood was just fine and she can ride it any time she feels up to it” and then turned and walked away. She had that look on her face, y’all know the one, the blonde in the headlights look. I think she was confused a bit. She turned to me and asked “so what do you think now asshole” and asked for a bottled water. I told her I still wasn’t convinced and that she made it look so easy that I couldn’t tell she was even working out. I got the look again. This time I could tell she was thinking bad thoughts. Then she turned to walk away because they were calling her to get set to go on stage. She looked back to me and said that she would be back to finish this later.
After she got up on stage I broke one of my golden rules, I went up to the stage to tip her. She is the first stripper I have ever tipped here because I just don’t do it for anyone or any reason. I felt bad tho, she did a great lap dance for Raymond and didn’t get paid for it and in a way it was my fault. So I tipped her $50.00 so at least I would feel better. It came out of my tip money so in reality I wasn’t actually spending my own money so in a way my rule is still in tact and has not been broken. I felt better tho and that is what counted to me at the time. When she got done on stage she disappeared to the back for a change and a freshen up break. When she returned she climbed onto my bar and told me, “your next bitch”. Next for what? The I realized she was going to show me something and I was going to be impressed and think again about lap dances being easy. I was a little scared, this might hurt. With her little grin she instructed me to open a Bud Light and follow her to my seat. Why Bud Light? I detest Bud Light. (Now, I am going to spare you of some of the really graphic details, if you use your imagination you will get the full picture. Fortunately she knows I am married and I’m glad she took this into consideration.) She sat me down in a very open place in the club, it was highly visible to everyone around, and that made me a little uncomfortable to say the least. She then told me to take that open bottle of beer and place it over my crotch and to make sure it points up so I don’t spill. Right before the music started, ironically it was “Highway To Hell”, she peeled her bikini bottom off and stuck it in my shirt pocket. As the song began with a crash of thunder she jumped into my lap onto her knees in a squatting position of sorts. She rose up on her knees as she tells me to hold the bottle tight until she tells me to let it go. Then she slides down on to the bottle until it was completely inside her. Now the lap dance begins. Holy Shit! I have seen some moves before but Lizzy was re-writing how to do the lap dance. After the second song was finished we were both sweating like we had been doing some extremely insane workout. When she decided it was time, she eased back onto her knees, still on my lap, and slid the still full bottle of beer back out of her. She raised the bottle to her lips, tipped the bottle up, leaned her head back, and all of the golden liquid quickly disappeared. She grabbed her bikini bottom out of my pocket, gave me a peck kiss on my sweaty forehead, and hopped off my lap. Meanwhile, half the club patrons and dancers had gathered around and all I could hear was the clapping, screaming, and whistling. The DJ announced that this was a special circumstance and do not expect the same treatment when they get their special lap dance. Really? He just announced that?
The moral to the story is that I was proved wrong. Fortunately for me I didn’t lose a bet or anything. I do, however, have a new opinion and a new respect for those who rock the lap dance. When Lizzy came back out to the bar she sat down and asked for one of my “Flaming Dr. K” shots. She told me it would be on me because she feels she deserves it. Your damn right she deserved it! I apologized to her and let her know I was a man with a changed opinion about lap dances. Funny thing is that she asked if this would all end up in my little black notebook. Yep. Now it is here. This whole thing happened about a year ago or so and I wonder, now, how she is doing. I am sure she is fine since she is a smart cookie and knows how to impress!

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