Those Damn Yankee Bastards

In the world of scented candles, the true titan is the Yankee Candle Company, which like Microsoft has a brutal monopoly based around crushing the competition. This heartless mega corporation pumps out assembly line candles of every scent imaginable just because they can, and because consumers don’t know any better. But, even with their godlike might, The Sting Of The Scorpion Blog still managed to find a few scents those Yankee bastards have yet to claim.

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Last Night’s Pizza: The charming confection of perfectly greasy cardboard, deliciously congealed cheese, and a fast-hardening crust fill the home with the sweet nostalgia for when the pizza was fresh.

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Is This Shirt Clean?: The welcoming aroma of mystery — a mix of laundry detergent, lingering deodorant, and a hint of body odor will keep your guests guessing.

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A Festival Of Marijuana: Fun, festive, and fresh marijuana is a tradition for everyone to enjoy.

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Bar: An enchanted blend of beer, dankness, and beer.

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Netflix Binge: Watching something for hours on end springs to life with a light blend of sweat and couch.

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Latex Condom: The crisp, naturally fresh scent of latex recalls the happy memories of sexual intercourse.

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Delivered Food: Capture the delight and warm tradition of food delivered right to your door with this blend of every food smell.

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Facebook Stalking: The invigorating scent of perspiration with a hint of the warm plastic-y smell of a computer overheating fill the air with bitterness and curiosity.

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Sold Out Concert: A sticky blend of sweat, spilled beer, and claustrophobia will transport your guests to a moment in time, being smashed up against many strangers.

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Old Lunch Tupperware: Recapture the magic of yesterday’s lunch — the pure scent of relaxation while you don’t wash the container, with a crisp hint of Legionnaires’ disease.

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Thrift Store Sweater: Jump for joy with the musty aroma of an old sweater someone maybe died in.

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Burning Shit W/Diesel: Those who have been here will never forget this smell. Not to be confused with JP8, this aromatic candle will have you flashing back to the good ol’ days in no time.

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