I Wonder Why I Rush To Wake Up

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Really, I do wonder why I’m in a rush to wake up in the morning. Lately, not so much though. This morning brought the grim reminder that the mail I picked up last night still remained on the dining room table unopened, it waits for me, taunting me, because I know that one of them is for interruption of service, one is to have inform me they wish to accelerate my auto loan, and the last one demanding payment or my auto insurance is at risk of being terminated. Which, in the end is why those three sat on the table all night, haunting my dreams, and not resting as well as I hoped. All I can think as I open each one is “don’t let me be right”. But, of course, I know this dance all too well for me to be wrong, not even once. After some time on the phone, making partial payments, and making promises I don’t even know if I can keep, I sit here wondering just what in the fuck can make all of this worse. My phone rings, startled the shit out of me, it was one of the companies I was trying to get back on with, the position opportunity has closed since the current employee has decided to stay. Well, fuck me very much!

As this day progresses I have been applying to more jobs, fishing for bites but not even a single nibble. Sure, I have the job I do and it will pay the bills, but the hours/ days of the week suck some serious hind tit. Yes, I’m complaining and yes I know that my bills are based upon the responsibilities I agreed to fulfill. But Peter is dead and Paul still has his hand out. Well, I know, as overwhelmed as I may fucking be with life right now that one day things will get back on track. Probably not today, but one day. It’s hard though, every direction I turn its all negative. Luckily for me I have a fantastic first mate who solemnly swears that she will not abandon ship as long as her captain is still bailing water. Which is fucking great because my dingy is sinking at a very steady rate. Anyway, just needed to vent, bitch, and complain a bit. Now I need to get back to the horrible task of unfucking all of this mess I call my life.

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