Have You Explored The Archives?

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Why do I ask? I see in my daily statistics that a very small percentage of daily visitors, about 2% of over 2500 people, take time to look at anything but the first five or six posts. Not that my posts are actually important or command attention, but with just shy of 2800 posts, one might actually be able to see things from the past, particularly important for new visitors, and maybe just fun review for the regulars. I post a wide variety of subjects, both popular and unpopular, to include miscalanious posts one never knows he or she is looking for. For everyone cruising through the archives, clicking on the terms in the tag cloud, and searching terms important to you, I give y’all my full salute, that takes balls, courage, and dedication. For everyone else, the shit you are looking for just might be here but you’ll never know unless you get to clicking. Anyway, y’all know I appreciate every single one of you motherfuckers for visiting! Keep that shit up!

Y’all Have Clicked These Pictures Allot

When I get super bored I look at the statistics for T.S.O.T.S.B. to see what leads y’all here and to see what links/pictures y’all click the most. Y’all might not know but this particular blog has only been around here on wordpress for 14 months and some changes. In 14 months I have tried my best to have a vast array of different posts, different shares, and a handful of staple regulars. Two of the most popular “features”, as told by the statistics and comments, are the Bartender Stories and The Magic Weekend stories. I shouldn’t find it odd that those two areas of my blog are the most searched and sought after, but I really do. The biggest complaint I get from readers is that I censor some of the pictures I post, I get told I operate using a double standard because I oppose censorship yet I enforce it strictly on my blog. Eventhough I have explained that I wish to keep my blog at a PG rating to a NC17 rating. Plus, I know people, and I know people have a grand enough imagination to put back in what I’ve censored out.

Associated with the above links, I give you the #1 picture that gets “clicked” here, in 14 months y’all clicked the below picture 8892 times.

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The #2 picture that gets “clicked” comes in at 6389 times.

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The #3 picture that gets “clicked” comes in at 4129 times.

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The #4 picture that gets “clicked” comes in at 3956 times.

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The #5 picture that gets “clicked” comes in at 3921 times.

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Note to reader, not ALL of these 5 pictures are found on the panel to the right, y’all had to hunt for a couple of them. In the end I’m very happy that my “advertising” interests readers enough to click on the picture. So, I guess the big question I have for y’all is what makes y’all click what y’all are clicking? Also, I would like to add that every single one of the links to the right get very regular daily clicks, which I appreciate y’all looking at my blogging friends as well. It will be interesting to check back in a year to see what the picture statistics look like then. Well, that’s if T.S.O.T.S.B. is still around.

I Love It When It All Comes Together

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In the still of the morning air a breeze would stir letting you know fall is trying to be here, but can’t quite get it’s act together yet. All is quiet except for the cars racing down the feeder road in a grand hurry to get somewhere ten seconds in front of the other guy. And then, this is a big and then too, the first concrete truck arrives, ready to begin the pour. I was taken back, back to when I was doing predawn concrete pours with my dad, back in the day so to say, and I was reminded how exciting pour days really are.  I realized then I was home again, being involved in construction, knowing that this was the job I had been waiting for, knowing that I had missed being away. One day I need to take some time and tell that story, but not today, today is about present time, and how one more step in this process has been completed. So, yes, I’m very excited it is done, that the day is done, and tomorrow we press forward just a little bit more with progress. Right now I need a nap, so I will post more tonight.

Get Ready! Get Set! Let’s Gooooooooo!

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Most people would frown upon having to be at work before the ass-crack of dawn, but not me. This is my time, this is the time I know that all the people working 9-5 during the week are still curled up in their beds, dreading leaving the comforts they have been enjoying all night long. But that’s not me, I’m the person who roams my house at 3:30 a.m. because I’m plain done sleeping. Regardless if I must go to work or not, I’m up, I’ve always been like this, it’s just the way I’m wired I guess. As I roamed the job site I’m at this morning, in the calm of the morning, still dark, it gave me time to review this past week. As I have mentioned, I have started back to work luckily. With my back to it, I feel the sun beginning to break through the treeline, beginning to become visible over the horizon, peeking through the trees, over the buildings, and of course the power lines which litter the view in any direction one looks. Of course, me being me, me being the one who still likes to meet the sunrise which greets me good morning, needs to grab a picture.

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I have missed very few sunrises in my lifetime, and I have a feeling that won’t change. As I took the second picture I could hear my mother whispering in my ear not to look directly into the sun, then I clicked the picture. What can one more picture with me looking directly into a sunrise hurt, right? As I walked the job site, earbuds in, metal cranked up, I saw the overall picture with the changes that had occurred after my departure the evening before. In many ways, I felt a sigh of relief come over me, because it meant that quite possibly that there would have to be very little ass scrambling happening since there is a great deal which must happen today, as smooth as humanly possible, so concrete can be poured first thing Monday morning. I had said I would get into my new job after a few days, lucky you, today is that day, however, there still isn’t much to say, because I’m in training, I’m studying, I’m learning, and luckily for me, remembering things I never even knew that I knew. Don’t get me wrong, I’m learning more that my memory has served me, but combining the two elements has been making my transition easier for me. Whether or not that serves true with my new boss I can’t say, I probably have been frustrating the shit out if him with all of my questions, he has allot on his plate, which he just chews up, only spitting back the plate.

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Hopefully I don’t say all of this wrong, but I will try to explain my new job and the eventual role I will be in. I found quickly that much to do with the commercial construction is about a person’s title, not necessarily one’s actual experience. But then you could have my boss, who comes with many, many years of experience, but still has a title. His experience shows through and is reflected in how he works. He offers perfection, and demands one put out their own perfection, he commands this without asking, which is a great way to learn for me personally, to be mentored in a fashion that is well above “industry standard”. He is a rare breed and he makes coming to work interesting. There are many hours of the day that I spend in what I will call ” observation, collection, and absorption”, because that is part of how I learn. What better way to learn, right or wrong, good or bad, people working at their specific trade. Again, luckily for me, I spent many years working for and with my dad, before he retired, as a residential concrete contractor. To my advantage, for a great deal of what is going on right now, I know what they are doing and the concept of what they are trying to accomplish with concrete. I remember the early days when I was part of the crew, the labor, which is how my own dad taught, which was hands on. One does not know the skill of a shovel in the right hands, one cannot respect a person which the shovel if you have never done what he had done. I spent many years with a shovel in my hands, setting forms, moving concrete, and helping turn a once vacant lot into a home for a family to live. Of course, later in life, after the Air Force, my role did change in the family business, where I had the opportunity to get my feet wet on the management and supervisory side of the concrete contractor business. Those lessons, not what I have learned in school, are lessons that serve me well now, because I am being refreshed in how psychology and the stroking of egos is just as important as raising hell when something is all fucked up. I have missed the construction industry since I’ve been out of it, its great to be given the opportunities to get back in the saddle again.

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In the end, for now, I’m just the new white guy on the job site. Learning and absorbing as much as I can comprehend to build myself a knowledge base which can only benefit me as time progresses, nobody wants to have dumb employees now do they. Plus, for the second time in my life now, here is a job which involves so much more than just being a mindless zombie laboror. Eventhough I never minded the mindless monkey work because it was work and it paid the bills on time. As time progresses over the next few months I will update everyone as to how my chosen path is going. In reality, the “job” chose me, as I’m very lucky that for probably the first time in a very long time, I was in the right place at the right time to accept this outstanding opportunity. Plus, bonus here people, financially it couldn’t have been more perfect timing. I owe a debt of gratitude to the man who set it in motion and even more to the man who has given me an opportunity not to just have a job, but to have an outfuckingstanding job. Can y’all tell I’m happy? I can tell, it feels great. And now I close with a great selfie, have a great day.

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Why? Being White Equals Being Racist

I don’t recall a time where I regulated, either people in my actual life or here on this blog, based on race, religion, or political allegiance. It just doesn’t happen. Unfortunately that opens me, personally, as a target. I receive many threats and promises here from people who would like to meet me in person so they could teach me a lesson or two about their personal views on life and what it means to them. For the most part I ride the fence on many issues so I don’t step on people’s toes who have their own agenda to attend to. With that being said, I offer y’all the eloquent wisdom of someone who believes he has the answers and must educate my white ass. Followed by a comment made in reply to his comment. These can be seen in their original beauty at “It’s Your Choice To Unfollow T.S.O.T.S.B.” where I was writing about how people decided to jump ship. Both comments make their point. Unlike many other blogs, unless your bullshit comment is spam, I let it stand for everyone to see and if you happen to spark my interest I will even talk about your comment separately. Anyway, below you will see the original reader comment and another reader’s reply to the comment.

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  • Jueseppi B. says:
    October 19, 2014 at 21:01 Edit
    Here’s why your dumbass lost followers, you stupid fuck. YOU are not an American. Your ancestors murdered the true real Americans, who were the Native Americans, and stole this land. YOU, you moronic piece of feces, are an IMMIGRANT. I absofuckinlutely adore when a caucasian muthafuckin idiot, such as yourself, claims America as their own land. Caucasian racist asswipes such as you never worked or earned jack shit in this nation. I am 1/4th Pawnee Indian and MY people own this land, not your Ofay goofy ass. Be very glad all you lost were a few hundred followers. You ain’t fit to carry Barack Hussein Obama’s soiled socks. Now go suck a penis.

And now the reader reply………..

  • Philip Paul says:
    October 19, 2014 at 22:28 Edit
    What percentage of people who called themselves Romans were actually born in Rome smart ass? My Grandfather lived on a reservation as a child, his mother was a full blooded Cherokee. I would dare say that I have Indian blood also so your argument is invalid with me. Being an American is an attitude and a state of mind. So you have one quarter Indian? That would leave 3/4 black if you are as you claim to be in your own words, a Militant Negro, and we all know just how many blacks lived in this hemisphere back in the day, right? Thanks for playing.

End of comment reply.

What’s my opinion? Well let’s begin with what Jueseppi had to say first. Yes, I am white, I cannot claim and/or cling to any of my ancestors being anything but white. I know my identity, it has not been split up and spit back on me as something I can pull out when I feel the urge to explain myself, with me you just get white. Since I wasn’t around back when the western hemisphere and the Americas were being explored I can’t accurately conclude who killed who in order settle the land for future generations of men and women of many races to come. As far as the rest of your rantless bullshit, well, we will just let those be because they speak volumes about you. So, if it makes you sleep better at night calling me a racist because I’m all white, I can live with that, because you have an agenda and I don’t want to fuck that up by disagreeing with you, my gift to you.

Philip Paul asked the ultimate question at the beginning of his reply. I was born in the United States of America, my parents were born here, my grandparents were born here, and my great grandparents were born here. Beyond that, I don’t know what in the fuck my people were up to. Sorry to disappoint you, Jueseppi, but my family was always poor, did all their own work, have always worked for someone else, never owning slaves, never having hired help, never having employees, just doing it all themselves trying to survive. Your blanket assumptions of me are so wrong that it is almost humorous because you, for one, believe all the bullshit you were taught and now preach.

As a nation we are fucked because of people just like you, Jueseppi, who don’t give a fuck about this nation or the where it is headed. I suppose if I were to look at life from the point of view you chose to point out, none of us here in the United States should be proud to be Americans, we should be proud of where our ancestors came from. We should all have hyphenated names like African Americans instead of just being Americans. Its you who wants to have something besides American in your description, maybe you need to hyphenate all of your lineage together to show people your true patronage, we both know that being American is not enough for you, we both know you have no American pride, and your arrogant comment proves you only give a fuck about Jueseppi.

Normally I wouldn’t choose to invite racial bullshit here but Jueseppi had a point to make, he had to prove how white I am and he needed to point out that being white makes me a racist. He does this without proof or knowledge of me or the definitions he hides behind. I support his freedom of speech as he condemned my own. Judge me, prove me wrong, but be sure next time you want to be self righteous in your banter against me that you remember one simple thing, I don’t give a fuck about your opinions.

If This Flag Offends You…..

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I was born and raised an American as many can claim. Many people flock to America illegally to live the American Dream that only the illegals can live. Coming from far and wide from countries all over the planet people come to America because America is Safe, America hands out everything at American’s expense, America is the Land of Opportunity, America is Great – The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

Yet, in many subdivisions, in towns across America, on the sides of houses across America and on T-shirts, The American Flag offends these immigrants that arrive to America illegally to live here on a daily basis.

The American Flag Offends Them!

There has been meetings, at schools, towns, subdivisions and every possible place across America of these illegal immigrants with their own beliefs and religions, which is fine, stating that their American neighbor who happens to be a veteran is flying the American Flag on their house and it needs to be taken down, because it offends them. Our public schools no longer allow American Flag T-shirts to be worn during Cinco de Mayo where I live because it is politically incorrect and is offensive? Am I still in America?

America was founded on Immigration, America is a melting pot of people from many lands. America is now the place to be when they flee their homelands for one reason or ten.

I don’t care if they have a different religion or dress different than I do, they are people like I am, however, they came to our country remember? They came here and don’t have to live by our laws, by our rules, and we are told we must change our ways so they aren’t offended, remember?

Certainly if it was the other way around I would have to learn another language and abide by the rules of another country if I moved to another country. So, what is the difference in moving to America? Has America become so lax in trying to appease everyone that does not belong here legally the Government forgets who America really is?

I’ll hang my American Flag, wear my American Flag T-shirt and paint my house red, white and blue if I want to. I am an American and proud of it. People who flock here by the thousands to get away from their oppression should be happy they are here and start abiding by America’s rules.

When our ancestors came here, they were so glad to be free. They worked hard, and did what they needed to, to become citizens. They started businesses, had their children, and they served in our armed forces. Now when someone comes here, they may not work, because they get so many free things. They never had it so good. Now they have time to look for trouble, and do not appreciate what they have, as they didn’t have to work for it. When things are just given to us, not only do we not appreciate those things, we don’t especially care about the giver, either. In this case, the U.S. and it’s citizens. Everyone loses.

We are hurting ourselves as a culture because there’s strength in diversity. If we all just water down our beliefs to the point where no one ever gets offended then what will those beliefs really be worth? The flag of the United States of America belongs on every building, balcony, and yard in this country. It belongs EVERYWHERE. It belongs to US, the people of the United States. Anyone who believes it is offensive should turn around, hop on a bus, plane or boat to return to their country and stay there.

The Stars and Stripes belongs to each of us: We The People. It is OURS; it is not for the foreigners who are offended by its presence. If we must defend it now against those who hate the sight of the freedom it represents, then so be it. From the first stitches of the first flag to the flag we have today, it remains a symbol of liberty and makes a powerful statement. We cannot allow the offenses of a few to kill the rights of the many.

Kate, 42, Widow USMC, Mother of three, McAllen Texas (via email 18 Oct 2014)

After reading Kate’s email this afternoon I realized that I’m not the only one pissed off at the way this country is being fucking ripped apart. I have curbed my opinions for along time here on this blog and I’m done with all the heavy petting, its time to fuck. Y’all are fucking right I have some anger issues when it comes to the America hating fucks who are offended by all things American but won’t go home. What’s your fucking point? I’m 46 years old, an Air Force disabled veteran, and I’ve seen a allot of bullshit in my life so far. I’m watching the absolute decline of The United States of America and I’m really worried for the outcome of our country. My three children and my granddaughter will be paying the price long after I’m dead, and so will your children and grandchildren. Think on that one for just a bit. I’m watching America commit collective suicide by twice electing a clearly unqualified, foreign born, anti-American joke to the highest office in the land. I’m watching people pour across our borders openly and to a welcoming government. I’ve watched politicians of both parties who are paid to destroy this country every single fucking day. Immigrants used to want to assimilate, now they demand that we respect their beliefs while they take a shit on our beliefs, our traditions, and our country. If the American flag offends you then why are you even in this country? Doesn’t your country give away all the great free shit?

If you’re an immigrant to America and want to live in this country learn to speak English. That’s what immigrants used to do. My German and Scandinavian ancestors had to do it why can’t immigrants today do it? If you think this country sucks and your country is so great, why are you still fucking here? This is The United States of America, where we fly the Stars & Stripes, you left your country and now you want our country to be like your country, fuck no and fuck you, now just go home.

And to you pieces of shit sheeple “Americans” who tolerate this bullshit and say we need to be “more tolerant” and “all cultures are equal” can pucker up and kiss my motherfucking ass. What the fuck is tolerant about being offended by Americans and the American flag? You’re right, not one fucking thing.

And you fucktards in the main stream media propaganda arm of the democratic party who have turned a blind eye to what the government is doing to this country should be ashamed for even thinking you are patriotic Americans. But how well you fucking sleep at night under the protection of the flag of our nation you hate so much. Where is your outrage as our government tears up the Constitution and uses it as toilet paper? When the obituary is written for this country within the next 50 years, you fuckheads should be named as the cause of her death. You allowed a foreign born person to be elected to the highest office in the land all because you wanted the first black president so you could have the fucking ratings on your network. How’s that shit working out for you? Sleep well bitches, you’re welcome.

I will say it’s a sad state of affairs when we have so many people who live in this grand land of opportunity, this wonderful country, who hate and despise everything American. Its real fucking sad indeed. Now you America haters can kiss my ass, at least I know when I go to sleep tonight it will be with a clear conscience.

Is A Deal With Satan Very Practical?

Wait! Before we start reading and thinking thoughts for yourselves, let me take a few moments to explain. I was reminded of this post, which I wrote some six years ago in response to some Christian heckling and badgering I was being abused with and with what I was being accused of. It became personal, real personal because at the time I operated using my real identity, something I no longer choose to do. What was what I was being accused of? Since I don’t align myself with Christianity, Atheism, or any form of religion in my life, I must just be a straightup Satan worshipper who was put here on planet dirt to walk eternally without rest while I rape, pillage, and steal, to include soul snatching. I found out after the fact that it was a senior member of a local Catholic church trying to make a point with his flock of sheeple, nothing personal of course. Well, the very last post that I wrote on my angelfire blog and the introductory post when I started at blogspot is the one you will eventually read below because I just wanted to share.

Why bring it back from the dead know? Excellent question. Earlier today, while I was sitting at the bank pleading my case for a line if credit cash advance I was asked to fill out and sign many forms, guaranteeing repayment in a timely manner or they would be forced to close on title and deed which would be securing the loan. After reading the fine print and the print in bold, I chose to cancel the deal, which pissed off the banker because I wasted her precious time. It was at that moment I recalled this post about cutting deals with Satan and couldn’t wait to see if I could retrieve it from angelfire. So, no loan in exchange for my soul today, maybe I can pimp myself out, I’d fuck me for a couple of bucks for sure. But enough about me, enjoy the rest of the post, just remember it was written for fun, to spark a laugh, and to get people to think about what is actually important in their lives. Let this be the prime example of what can happen when, as a Catholic student, you are forced to read, memorize, and recite all things Christian and biblical because you can regurgitate it at will many years later with little to no effort at all. If y’all are ready, let’s proceed. By the way, the graphic at the end of the post, remains today the most “clicked” picture I have ever posted out of all three blogs. Do you dare click it? Do you roll the dice? I wonder what happens when you do. Happy reading.

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C’mon, do it! Everybody’s doing it.

Welcome to the Sell Your Soul To Satan Online Portal. One of the most delightful facets of the internet is it’s commercial aspect, which allows consumers and vendors to easily link up in cyberspace to form any kind of desirable transaction. Previously, selling one’s soul to Satan has been a ridiculously inconvenient process, fraught with all varieties of difficulty. Now, with online vending, we are able to swiftly provide premium services to that lucky mortal seeking diabolic servitude. Today, we are able to provide more for less, due to the ingenious designs of our infernal president and CEO, Satan himself.

In past decades, merely trying to sell one’s soul was a prickly deal. Firstly, the complex technical knowledge of sorcery sufficient to elicit the attention of Satan has been so forbidding, that anyone capable of summoning Satan had very little need to actually do so, being able to obtain virtually everything else via dark magic. Secondly, pacts formed with, (unbeknownst to the mortal in question), unlicensed demonic tempters, often resulted in highly unsatisfactory pacts by both mortal and infernal standards. Thirdly, even demonic tempters licensed for seduction and glamour by Satan took a heavy cut out of the profit of the operation. So little was left over for Satan himself, that the miracles being offered became progressively flimsier, until finally it took three entire souls and a goat sacrifice to afford a night of sex with the celebrity of your choice. Fourthly, in this age of numerous contagious blood diseases, it was considered a potential violation of contract if for some reason an individual became ill by a chance contact with an infernal pact. Red ink was used very briefly, but it was deemed wise to let go of some traditions in order to capitalize on a rapidly expanding and forward-looking marketplace. Lastly, one can buy and sell anything on the internet for the right price.

These problems are no longer, because with online vending, Satan has cut out the middle entity and deals with you directly a few clicks of a mouse.

Damn good!

A great deal of misconception needs to be dealt with, as financial and spiritual dealings with Satan have gotten an undeserved bad rap. We suspect Christian infiltration at the highest levels. Firstly; temporarily laid off though he is, Satan is an Archangel and as such is totally incapable of lying. Secondly; Satan is largely responsible for the expulsion from Eden, which though fairly inconvenient for our distant ancestors, has since paved the way for our entire textile and fashion industries, among others. Thirdly; Satan did Fall because of the sin of Pride, and as such he is proud to serve you with unblemished professionalism and zeal. Fourthly; Satan understands the meaning of commitment, as he has continually provided his services and his institutions, with incomparable reliability for an ongoing two billion years. Few others have such impressive credentials.

Damned if you do.

Satan, being something of an expert in all of the reasonably well known vices, and well versed in the generalities of the more obscure ones, can provide your strangest fantasies at your merest whim. Nevertheless, tradition being what it is, one must be legally bound to Satan before the downpour of goodies begins. Over the years, a fairly straightforward (read: no fine print!) introductory pact has been developed to get one going down the road to happiness, fulfillment and eternal damnation, right away.

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Introductory Pact

I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.

This Pact, binds me to the Eternal Darkness that is Satan in a manner as irrevocable as his fall into the realms of perdition. There, with my new master, I shall remain in torment and unforgiven until the end of the world.

In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.

I fully understand the consequences of the signing of this most unholy pact; I proceed willfully, cognizant of my coming privileges and debts. I furthermore promise to fulfill my debt punctually and without resistance, nor will I pray nor plead for my soul in any way, nor attempt to have others plead in my behalf. I confirm this in this covenant more tightly knit than the bonds of life and death. May the Prince of Darkness take pleasure in my gift and my betrayal, and use such to spread his reign further throughout the phenomenal world by annihilating the spiritual.

Optional Packages:

Satan takes great pleasure in serving his customers the most tempting delights imaginable. Though much is included in the Standard Pact, some customers will want something uncommon and specific. After all, not everyone can be President of the United States at the same time and this particular items does need to be regulated for the maintenence of good relationships with other merchants and corporations. Satan keeps a database of people in line for some of these privileged options, and provides them for individuals who have proven valuable, loyal customers.

Other packages are available to current customers merely for the asking, as the Beast (an affectionate term for our CEO we bandy about down here) is generous and loves giving perks to his minions. We find that his bestowal of perks, particularly those which extend the customers’ capacity to sin more emphatically and with greater pride, strengthens the client-vendor relationship in unparalleled ways.

Here is a sampler of the most common “freebie” packages:

A Night of Play and Fantasy: Compensating for scheduling constraints of providing movie stars and fashion models as playthings, the demonologists at Inferno Industries have developed a succubus (and incubus) able to accurately simulate the olfactory, visual, auditory, tactile and gustatory sensations of any person living or dead. Now, without the embarassing smalltalk, you can live out your fantasies with famous actors, actresses, models, artists, historical figures, porn stars, fictional characters, and even people from your own life.

Tickets to the Annual International Black Mass and Satanic Orgy: You can be a celebrity guest at the most exclusive and fun party in the world. Movie stars, rock musicians, champions of industry, religious leaders, witches, vampires, and politicians mingle with famous (and fascinating) demons like Astaroth, Baal, Lilith, Belial, Azazel, Marchosias,  Gumby, and Oprah. At midnight, the throats of thirteen virgins from a diversity of third world countries are slit, and the participants disrobe to fornicate amidst oceans of silk pillows and goblets of wine mixed with virgins blood.

Membership to the Secret Vatican Council: Many individuals are still unaware that Satan’s holding corporations have had a major controlling interest in the Vatican bank since 1946; fairly easy to do since Satan can produce pure gold and precious minerals at a breathtaking speed. What even fewer are aware of is that in the race to form a worldwide conspiracy to match the imaginations of pulp horror authors, Satan was shrewd and bought out someone else’s. This was done entirely behind the scenes, as an alteration in the name or logo of the Roman Catholic Church might slightly interfere with customer loyalty, and thus revenues.

The Roman Catholic Church, partially responsible for the dark ages, instigating the mass executions and torture of countless dissenters, fomenting wars of all varieties, and bent on worldwide religious monopoly, is also a highly aggressive financial institution; having allowed the purchasing of indulgences, and both encouraged and coerced hefty donations from the most seriously impovershed peoples of the world. Its tradition of deceit, brutality and corruption goes back for nearly two millennia, making its transition to diabolic managment policies fairly painless. They are a fine addition to our family of companies.

Now, you can help define the fanatical, reactionary and idolatrous ideologies of the oldest theocratic conspiracy in the western world. Membership in the Secret Vatican Council gives you a brand new identity as a high ranking official in the Vatican heirarchy, with vague and easy-to-abuse powers, and a fearsome reputation. Our fostering of the spurious doctrine of the divine buggery has become a great success story, as thousands of previously celibate officials and religious leaders have found Heaven in each other’s body cavities and those of perplexed choirboys. If you are inventive, have a sadistic streak a mile wide, and enjoy costumes, this option may just be for you.

The Power of Mind Control: You too can join the ranks of Svengali, Rasputin, Mesmer, and the Reverend Jim Jones by becoming a master of telepathic mind control. Fun at parties, but most intriguing for soliciting one night stands and commanding enemies to dry hump the third rail on subway tracks, this freebie option is as potent as the imagination of its possessor.

Black Toad Abortifacients: The one true “morning after pill”, Black Toad has been bringing to consumers the most sophisticated and diabolically correct contraception since 803 A.D.! By applying a pair of attractive skin patches one week (or more) after union, you or your female companion will destroy the embryo and send its soul to Hell for transformation into a familiar spirit for aspiring witches.

Always recycle.

Pollution kills vegitation and wildlife, and Satan is ecologically minded; particularly so when it comes to serpents, spiders, apple trees, belladonna, black cats, goats, sharks, fire ants, hornets, locusts, wolverines, wolves, rats, blood flukes, killer bees, leeches, feral dogs, scorpions, and komodo dragons.

So, click the link below (graphic) to get the ball rolling so you can swiftly become everything you ever desired or lusted for. Go ahead, click it now.

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