Sometimes The Gift Bites Back

My recently married daughter and her husband have a habit of just picking up trinkets and t-shirts from gift shops when they are out tooling around in different places. Last night being no different, after a day spent in Old Town Spring, Texas going to shops and finally to dinner they returned knocking on the door to give me a surprise. Knowing I will try just about anything with some heat they believed they found the perfect gift for me.

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So now that you have looked at the picture I’m going to write out the label that can’t really be seen in it’s entirety. I warn you now that the language is quite colorful and might offend those of y’all who are sensitive to this kind of thing. But you know me, I like to share the things I find somewhat twisted and very interesting. The label reads as follows.

“We warned you. This is a seriously fuckin’ hot sauce. That’s right we said it — because we had to. There is no other way to describe just how hot this sauce is. I suppose we could have said “it’s like the fiery depths of Hell” or “that it’s ass-burning” and even “keep away from pets and small children and avoid contact with sensitive areas”, but that just seems so wordy. The sauce is hot as fuck! Succinct, to the point — no beating around the bush! Honesty is always the best policy, isn’t it? If this sauce burns intensely, don’t be afraid to let it out. Scream fuck at the top of your lungs. You’ll feel better. There is no better verbal therapy.”

Let me also include the short list of ingredients in case y’all can’t see them that great. They include habanero peppers, african oleoresin, scotch bonnet peppers, salt, onion, vegetable oil, acetic acid, garlic, and xanthan gum.

Here’s the big question y’all are begging to ask me, is it fucking hot? Not to deter from the awesome label and product description, but it was an average heat for a hot sauce. With that being said, I must admit I’m a bit jaded when it comes to heat. I grow, process, and consume a variety of insanely hot peppers down to the common pepper for flavoring bland food. What I really liked was it’s bold flavoring and the way it cinged my nose hair a bit when taking a deep sniff. However, for the rookies and amateurs it just might be a bit over the top. The average Joe might not want to toss the wings in this sauce and serve it up to family, I’m just saying.

My question to all of y’all out there would be, what do you find to be too fucking hot to consume?

To All The “Merry Christmas” Bashers

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Yes, you read the title correctly, this particular post is specifically for the jackholes that decided they need to e-mail me and span comment me on some Christmas posts from yesterday. They believed they need to school me how politically incorrect and how insensitive saying Merry Christmas is to a growing population of people. Well, guess what fucktards, I obviously don’t write on my blog to please anyone except myself. If you like it, great. If you don’t like it, that is great as well since I really don’t care for people who are fence riders. Y’all need to give the politically correct bullshit a rest because each time one of y’all get upset with me it just makes me want to drill it in just a little deeper. I say Merry Christmas, if that offends your delicate little ego then I wish you well on your troubled travels far and away from here. I don’t say Merry Christmas to abuse you, I say Merry Christmas because it is Christmas. Y’all understand that, right, that it’s called Christmas and not anything else, just Christmas. You won’t hear me say or see me write happy holidays ever or anywhere. Why? Because it’s Christmas. Are y’all so full of the shit that falls out of your mouth to understand that we do NOT care if you don’t want to hear the word Christmas, we don’t care if you don’t celebrate Christmas, and we surely could give a rat’s ass if it offends y’all when we say or write Merry Christmas.

The question I have for y’all is why you don’t take into consideration that when you open your pieholes to say your offended by Merry Christmas that you are actually offending people like me who don’t really give a flying fuck if it offends you or not. Now y’all have actually pissed me off because of your pettiness I have to write this post just to tell you to go fuck yourselves. Am I too insensitive to your needs and feelings? Who gives a shit about what your feelings or needs are. Y’all have issues, y’all should seek counseling, and perhaps even apologize to everyone for being a raging fucktard idiot. But that’s not going to happen because y’all don’t have the goddamned common courtesy to pull your heads out of your asses long enough to realize y’all are not being harmed in any fucking way. Don’t celebrate Christmas? That’s nice that you made that decision, but I fucking celebrate Christmas. My version is probably a bit different than the Christians, but I celebrate it nevertheless. Don’t like that I am spreading a little Christmas cheer or sharing a little Christmas humor? Boomotherfuckinghoo you tender minded little fucks, gets over it, hell, go ahead and get over yourselves because I don’t really give a shit. I don’t care.

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Now, you “Christians” who think you are holier than thou art, I will take a chunk of your narrow minded ass as well. No, there is no “Christ” in my Christmas. In my world it is the commercial holiday where friends and family gather to exchange gifts, be jolly, and have a great fucking time. Again, as with the anti-Christmas idiots, I understand you celebrate Christmas a different way than I do and I don’t hold that against y’all because I don’t give a fuck what or how you do it. I’m at a loss for words for y’all, y’all need to go buy a clue because there has been so much y’all choose to overlook, like not everyone is Christian and therefore we do things a little different. Why? Because we fucking can! Not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone gets offended, not everyone wants a religious reference, not everyone gives a shit what y’all think, and most importantly you have no idea what the fuck I have going on and you have no right to judge me. So, Merry Christmas. Enjoy your Christmas your way and just shut the hell up about everyone else.

The day is specifically called Christmas day, it’s not called Holiday. We say Merry Christmas because this entire season is specifically for Christmas. How the fuck does Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, or any other non-descript greeting even remotely come close to giving a Christmas specific greeting? Because you fucking prefer it? Because you prefer not to hear Merry Christmas? Y’all can go piss in the wind, y’all have taken the fun out of Christmas because y’all are afraid to express yourselves in any manner  other than what specifically suites y’all. Fuck that, y’all won’t get the pussy footin walking on eggshells from me, it’s not going to ever happen. I celebrate Christmas, you can embrace and love that great idea or you can hate that people are insensitive to your big fat bleeding pussy and how you feel. Well, here’s how I feel, fuck you and have a very Merry Christmas. I hope y’all get so much Christmas cheer shoved in your tight little asses that when you burp it has an evergreen aftertaste.

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