Those of y’all know me know that I grill food and smoke food on a regular basis. I take pride in the fact that over the years I have become quite good at it. That’s nog bragging, it’s just the facts based on everyone always comes back for seconds, thirds, or forths and are very disappointed when they find out I will not be cooking. I have a way with meat, it’s an art, even better one might even call it a gift. I have spent the better part of my life perfecting cooking meat on a grill or smoker, I have allot of time and money invested into something I love to do. Which, in the end, is why I generally don’t mind cooking the meat(s) for family get togethers, when we camp, when friends get together, or even at work when we have company parties two or three times a year. What can I say, I trust me when it comes to the preparation, cooking, and final consumption of the meat. Call it vain, call it conceded, one might even consider me kinda anal, but there is a right way to grill or smoke and then there is the wrong way. I pride myself on the simple fact that I have never received a complaint and I always get asked to come back to do it again. But, enough about me. I just thought a little background was in hand before I went on to explain that I was in charge of the grilling this past Saturday for one of my nieces 4th birthday. How could I ever say no to that?
After I got my charcoal going, let it burn down, and adding my wood chunks soaked in a secret blend of concontion, I was ready to let it rip. My wife brought me the platters of meat, yes platters, we were feeding some 25 adults and just as many kids, we were going to have a little bit of everything. We had 100% all beef hamburgers, 100% all beef hot dogs, bonless pork chops (thick cut), some of my home made venison sausage, of course we had some gator tail, and some venison flanks I had left over. Yes, it was going to be a small feast. I began laying out my spread of meat, adding a light dust of seasoning, closed the lid and listened to the meat sizzle. Meanwhile, I had to assist in putting up an air inflatable jump castle that the kids (and adults) were begging me to get up so they could all jump and play. I must say that this jump casle was the absolute best $300.00 investment I have ever picked up at a garage sale. Y’all might not understand, it’s a 20 ft x 20 ft jump castle, it’s huge and loads of fun for all ages. When I got done my wife was walking up to me holding the box I have pictured above and wanted me to slap it on the grill when I got a chance. WTF? Who in the hell brings veggie burgers to a meatfeast? I honestly think I broke out in cold sweats for fear that someone was going to see me sneak one of these veggie burgers onto a grill loaded with all of this fine meat. I wanted to cry. I was ashamed of myself that I was actually considering complying with this wacko request. Yes, I was a little emotional, my feelings were actually hurt I think. I couldn’t believe I was about to open my grill and insult all the other meats.
Needless to say, I opened the box, I opened the sealed plastic bag, and removed one perfectly formed 2.5 oz oddly colored patty. Now, I know this is supposed to mimic the look of a hamburger patty, but damn, it didn’t even look like meat or anything I would ever put in my mouth, and trust me when I say I have tried many strange things to eat from all over the world. Then, I made a hole on the grill and slapped it down. It didn’t even sizzle! It never sizzed! I am thinking the world has finally come to the absolute end and my grill will never be the same. I feel a power washing coming on in the near future. I have had this particular grill for 25 years and I have never threatened it with the power washer ever before, I should be ashamed of myself I know. I let it “cook” to the desired temperature as it stated on the box, 160 F. To top it all off I was even asked to put this special cheese on it. I know I shouldn’t have been shocked, but there was nothing cheese related about this sad slice of cheese. I know, I shouldn’t bitch about these things, and I am almost done. Amazingly enough, it was all placed on a breadless bun, go figure. The rest of my meat was done at about the same time so I pulled it all off and put that on big platters as well. I took it inside and all the wolves came at me for the first sight of this mega meatfeast. What can I say, I aim to please, and everyone was pleased.
One final note. I’m not knocking the vegan lifestyle. It’s just not my style. I respect a person that can change from being a born carnivore into a reborn vegan. Again, I like meat way to much to even attempt to notice the notion that there is meat alternitives out there. I refuse to admit that people are happy not eating meat. Call me wrong, call me bad names, whatever, but y’all will never convince me that I can get the taste of a bloody steak from something artificial. And, no, I am not willing to let you attempt to prove me wrong either. To each his own or “a chacun le sien” as my high school French teacher used to tell me. I have spoke to many family members, people I have worked with, and friends who have given up meat and dairy in my interest to find out more about that lifestyle. I can’t say I am willing to make the change. Why, you ask? It’s just not something I am remotely interested in attempting. I meant what I said, if people wish to live this lifestyle I have no problem and I won’t jusdge, just don’t ask me to ever grill it for you. The thought of that still gives me goose bumps up and down my spine. In the end everything works out I suppose, everyone goes home happy, and I will still look forward to my next time in front of the grill, I can hear the meat sizzling already.