Don’t Make Me Go Old School On You

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Yea, y’all heard me. Cool phone, huh? While cleaning out my storage I came across this jewel of a phone. Thought I would share it with y’all since this was my very first cell phone ever which I got in the summer of 1999. I wish I had this to show my kids every time the bitched about their phones. The screen is too small, its too slow, and so on and so forth. Yes, it is a Nokia, the going rage back then, as well as being one of very few options one could purchase. I was all teched out back then, had my pager (which I guess is lost somewhere) and my phone, oh was I living the life back then…..lol. Wondering why I still have it yet? Damn good question, my best guess is it went in a box with other shit, taped up, and put out of sight, like many other things I have found, until today, which has been like a fucking treasure hunt. Much of this stuff in storage has been boxed up for about 15 years or so, some of this shit goes all the way back to the mid-80s and more added once I got out of the Air Force. So far, day one of cleaning this jam packed 10×20 storage has been a journey. Why in the hell do we keep stuff? I mean really, what’s the point? On the flip side of that question I do have things in storage which are near and dear to me, hand me downs from grandparents, my dad, and stuff I collected around the world. But damn, there’s allot of just straight junk and trash in there also. It’s always been the catch all for shit we didn’t have room for and didn’t know what to do with.

But, that time has come and gone, the time is now to make a clean break, a new start, and I made a decent dent in it today. At least now I can walk into the space, before today I could only reach in. I have tomorrow and three days next week to get anything out that fits in my car that way when I roll up the last week of this month with my trailer I’m only moving “furniture” items. My goal is to reduce the boxes to about 25% or so and so far I’m doing a fine job. And so far so good, no live or dead critters have been found and I haven’t come across anything that is wet yet, so the  surprises have been down to a minimum.

Anyway, this little post is pretty pointless, but I just wanted to check in with everyone, let y’all know I was still alive, and at the same time share a little nostalgia with everyone. Yes, I know a few of y’all were very young in 1999 so by the time you got your first cell phone they had come a long way. I’m sure if I find more great shit I will take a picture of it and share it in the near future. Once everything slows down by the end of this month I will be able to get back to “blogging” more. Until we meet again, remember to eat it every day!

Entering Through The Exit Door

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Welcome to 2016, a year that so far has proven to not be any different than previous years. Of course time does tick and days fly off the calendar, but people will never fucking change. That was reenforced earlier today while i was visiting our local big box store. Typically I know why I’m going to the store, typically I know exactly what I’m looking for, and today wasn’t any fucking different. My mission was to get a bag of potatoes, cooking oil, a pack of new socks, and a new air freshener for my car. A simple fucking mission that should have taken ten minutes but almost ended with my ass going to jail. But, let’s back up a bit, we need not be at the end yet.

When I arrive at the store I parked quickly and headed in. As I’m going in the doors clearly marked with the word “Enter” a lady pushing her cart full of groceries, with the young children on tow, who was so concerned with what was going on with her phone nearly took me out, but I lived to shop yet another fucking day. As I watched her wander into the parking lot her kids were all over the place while she was still on her fucking phone. As amazed as I was, I had shit to buy so I could get out of this fucking zoo. Oh, you’re wondering what was said, I told her “excuse you this is the entrance” and she didn’t say anything, never looked up from her phone.

So, I grab everything I came for and went to the self checkout because I only had four things. Done. Time to go. As I’m heading to the exit I can see and hear a shitload of commotion going on. At first I can only see the two sheriff’s deputies but as I got closer I see the lady who was on her phone who almost hit me walking out the entrance a bit ago. Seems she had four children when she entered the store but only three followed her out. So, as she is in a big fucking panic now, blaming everyone under the sun, all because she couldn’t get off her fucking phone. As sad as this situation is, as much as I don’t think she needs to be in possession of any children, I offered to help find her missing child. However, that changes after she pops off by yelling at me because I’m the reason she got distracted at the door when she was leaving. Wait just a fucking minute here! So, I verbally unloaded on her everything I was thinking before but bit my tongue and didn’t say. Needless to say, in the heat of it all I was politely, yet sternly removed from the entrance of the store, where I had a seat in the sheriff’s cruiser so I could give all my information and my side of the story. So I explained it to him. Ten minutes later I was let out of the car, only after asking twice if I was being arrested.

And then, then I just left, never looked back either. After a bit of reflection I’m torn as to how I really feel about today’s events. Half of me thinks she deserved to have this happen to her. Makes me really wonder if this is the first time she lost track of one or more of her children. It’s one thing to be a self centered cunt being on the phone not paying attention. It’s one thing to go out the wrong door while fucking around on the phone and almost taking someone out. I get it, some people just have their head up their ass all the time. Half of me, the dad half, worries about her children eventhough they’re not mine. I do hope everything ends up well and I’m not watching the news about a young child being found dead in the woods after being raped and tortured. But, all things happen for a reason and maybe, given a slight glimmer of hope for her, this was her fucking wake up call. I can’t honestly say, only she knows the answer.

Well, anyway, I need to get my ass in gear making my sausage and fried potatoes. Look, we all are going to die, I might as well die eating the foods I like eating. I have some more to talk about, but not now, but probably tomorrowish.

Random Callers Are The Best

Over the past week I have been getting phone calls on my cell phone, no big deal since it is the only way you are going to talk to me unless we are face to face. Not only is it my “home phone” number but it is also my work contact phone number. Needless to say, I get allot of phone calls from numbers I don’t know personally, and since it is used for work I usually answer all calls. In the rare occasion I choose to ignore your call then it is for one of two reasons, either I’m busy or you have an out of state number. Typically I’m not hiding from phone calls, you know, like bill collectors, in that regard I seem to have lucked out. Anyway, usually, unless you are my employer, and you don’t leave me a voicemail, I’m not going to return your call. You called me, leave a fucking message about what you were calling for or I consider it not too damn important. I’m just saying. 99% of the time people call, don’t leave a message, but then text me, which is even better. So, this Houston number keeps calling, so finally last night answered it, my gift since in the 11 times they called me they left no message, well I say no message, they would let it go to voicemail just long enough for them to hang up after silence, giving me a voicemail icon to go check only to hear NOTHING. When I answered the call I also recorded the call, the following is a transcribed text version of what was said.

Me: Hello

Caller: (crickets)

Me: Hello

Caller: (more crickets)

Me: HELLO MOTHERFUCKERS HELLO!

Caller: Excuse me?

Me: Look motherfucker, you keep calling me, what’s on your mind?

Caller: Please wait…….. (places me on hold)

Me: Really? Call me, put me on hold, and make me listen to Kenny G? You fucking suck balls!

Me: (2 minutes into it) Hello?

Caller: (after I was on hold 6 minute) Is this Mr. Scorpion? (used my real name)

Me: Yes. Why?

Caller: Can you verify your mailing address?

Me: No. Why?

Caller: We need to verify who you are. Address please?

Me: No, I need to verify who you are. What company are you calling from?

Caller: Sir, before we can continue this conversation we need to verify your identity. Can we proceed with your address, street number first?

Me: No, we cannot. You tell me who you are and what you want or you can go fuck yourself.

Caller: Sir, we are trying to identify you are the person we have in our records.

Me: Well, what do your records say? If you get it right I will tell you, deal?

Caller: Sir, it doesn’t work this way. Address?

Me: Well, ok, thanks for calling, we’re fucking done here.

Caller: Please hold……..

Me: What the fuck! (I ended the call)

Within 30 seconds my phone is ringing once again, same number.

Me: What in the fuck do you want?

Caller: My name is Ann, I understand we are having problems identifying you so we can move forward.

Me: What in the fuck are you talking about? Who are you Ann?

Ann: I’m the manager here, you were speaking with Rebecca earlier, she mentioned there is a problem with you cooperating with the identification protocol and I have taken over to assist in the process.

Me: Why in the fuck are you calling me, repeatedly all week, twice a day, every day, never leaving a message? Can you tell me, is this part of your fucked up protocol?

Ann: Sir, look, we are a company hired by Ford Motor Company to gather information about the individuals purchasing experience.

Me: I didn’t buy anything from Ford.

Ann: Our records show you recently purchased a 2014 Ford Mustang, is that information correct?

Me: Yes, but I bought it from a Kia dealership, it is a used Mustang.

Ann: Yes sir, we understand that you didn’t purchase it directly from a Ford dealership, however your purchase records are forwarded to Ford for many purposes like factory warranty and statistical reasons.

Me: Ok, why all the cloak and dagger bullshit, why not identify yourselves first, then ask me questions?

Ann: If you would so kind to verify your address for me sir? We show you live at the following address (she tells it to me). Is this information correct?

Me: Yes, it is correct.

Ann: Your phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx?

Me: Isn’t that the number y’all keep dialing?

Ann: Yes sir. (followed by a dramatic pause)

Me: Are we done?

Ann: No sir, we have been trying to talk with you to see how you are liking your new car.

Me: I like it fine. Anything else?

Ann: Is this your first Ford purchase?

Me: No

Ann: (after a long pause) If you don’t mind, would you like to share what other Fords you have purchased in the past?

Me: Look, I’m in the middle of cooking dinner for my family and myself, is this really necessary? Yes, guilty, I like Ford, Ford is great, if I was a woman then this Ford Mustang would make my pussy all dripping wet.

Ann: Sir?

Me: Ann?

Ann: Sir, you caught me a little off guard with your last comment. You are aware we record these conversations for training purposes, correct?

Me: Yes

Ann: If I told you that in our appreciation for speaking with us that I have a paid trip to offer to you, would you be pleased to here about it? All I need to finalize this package is to ask you a few more questions. Can we continue?

Me: So, Ann, the entire purpose to this phone call was to politely tell me that my information was given or sold to your marketing company for other purposes than to see if Ford makes me weak at the knees?

Ann: Sir, I assure you that we received your information legally.

Me: Buuuuuullllllllllllllshit Ann.

Ann: I would like to tell you about your complimentary trip now if that’s ok?

Me: Sure, why not, hurry up, dinner is almost done, you got about 7 minutes.

Ann: Las Vegas or Atlantic City?

Me: Vegas

Ann: I have two first class round trip airline tickets, a rental car voucher for the 7 days you and your spouse will be in Las Vegas, it is good for up to $150.00 per day. Included is a preloaded Visa with $1500.00 for gas and other expenses. You will be staying at the MGM Grand with two free meals for two each day of your stay. You and your spouse will each receive $200.00 in house chips for use in the casino. Any questions?

Me: Yes, I don’t fly.

Ann: Meaning?

Me: I’m not going to fly to Las Vegas. Period. I don’t fly.

Ann: I’m not following you.

Me: Skip the flight, I’ll drive. a rental will be cheaper on y’all any way.

Ann: Please hold…………

Me: Noooooo…….. Fuck……… Bitch……..

Ann: I have checked with the booking agency, those arrangements can be made for you to accommodate your needs. You’ll need to visit our office to pick up your package, the changes can be made at that time. When would you like to pick up your package so I can schedule your appointment?

Me: Saturday is fine.

Ann: Perfect, I will put you down for 8 am, will that work for you?

Me: Sure

Ann: Please be sure to bring two forms of ID for you and your wife to the appointment.

Me: Does my wife need to be present?

Ann: Yes sir.

Me: Can I get the address?

Ann: Actually, we are not allowed to give that information over the phone. Please provide me with your email address. I will send you the information described above, please print to bring with you, and the address to claim address will be included.

Me: Anything else I need to know?

Ann: No sir, we hope you enjoy your new Mustang and your trip to Las Vegas.

Me: So….. we’re done?

Ann: Yes sir, enjoy your dinner. (Call ended)

So, I did get the email as she discussed. But, and its a big fucking but, the address is at the corner of an open field and an abandoned business. First I googled it so I knew where I was going. Unsettled by what shows in google maps, I sent my future son-in-law there this morning on his way to work, he confirmed that there is nothing there except the building being torn down. When I called the number that had been calling me I got no answer, just rings and rings. I have called several times, nobody’s home. Hmmm, seems like the pile of bullshit just keeps getting deeper and deeper. The email came from donotreply@mailmixmail.net and when I emailed it back it just bounced with a server reply that the email is not valid. No shit Sherlock! I also contacted my cell service provider to put in a complaint of the number and I was told it isn’t even a valid number. Fuck it, block it anyway.

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What have we learned? Well, after wasting 18 minutes of my life that I will never get back, I have found this is another reason I dislike giving out my phone number or email address to anyone for any reason. Trust me, your information is being sold, traded, or given away whether you consent to it or not. Personally I don’t think it was the Kia dealership doing it on “purpose”, but records of the purchase with my personal information were only given at the dealership at the time of purchase. Who really knows any more, really. I can’t wait until these gigafucks call me back to inform me I missed my fucking “appointment” or to follow up with me. Then it will be time to have fun. I will assume they will not call, but that’s just my opinion. Any of y’all have any good phishing stories? I have a special place in my heart, which is black and cold, for telemarketers and professional phishers. Y’all suck you bunch of troubled fucks! Get a real job, like a third party bill collector or something respectable. With that, I’m done, think I’ll put up a sign “Gone Phishing” and take the weekend off.

What Won’t We Connect To The Internet?

So, I was on the evil internet recently and came across this most interesting article (#1) which got me wondering. What aren’t we willing to connect to the internet? What are the connection limitations to the internet? Why do we connect so many things collectively to the internet so willingly? Anyway, these just happens to be the articles I was reading. All credit belongs to the original author and I claim nothing but wanting to share. Also, take a look at the second article (#2) which gives some statistics that might blow your mind a little.

Article #1

See original here.

Jacob Morgan; Contributor

I write about and explore the future of work and collaboration.

Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.

5/13/2014 @ 12:05AM 

A Simple Explanation Of ‘The Internet Of Things’

The “Internet of things” (IoT) is becoming an increasingly growing topic of conversation both in the workplace and outside of it. It’s a concept that not only has the potential to impact how we live but also how we work.  But what exactly is the “Internet of things” and what impact is it going to have on you if any?  There are a lot of complexities around the “Internet of things” but I want to stick to the basics.  Lots of technical and policy related conversations are being had but many people are still just trying to grasp the foundation of what the heck these conversations are about.

Let’s start with understanding a few things.

Broadband Internet is become more widely available, the cost of connecting is decreasing, more devices are being created with wifi capabilities and censors built into them, technology costs are going down, and smart phone penetration is sky-rocketing.  All of these things are creating a “perfect storm” for the IoT.

So what is the Internet of things?

Simply put this is the concept of basically connecting any device with an on and off switch to the Internet (and/or to each other). This includes everything from cell phones, coffee makers, washing machines, headphones, lamps, wearable devices and almost anything else you can think of.  This also applies to components of machines, for example a jet engine of an airplane or the drill of an oil rig.  As I mentioned, if it has an on and off switch then chances are it can be a part of the IoT.  The analyst firm Gartner says that by 2020 there will be over 26 billion connected devices…that’s a lot of connections (some even estimate this number to be much higher, over 100 billion).  The IoT is a giant network of connected “things” (which also includes people).  The relationship will be between people-people, people-things, and things-things.

How does this impact you?

The new rule for the future is going to be, “anything that can be connected, will be connected.”  But why on earth would you want so many connected devices talking to each other?  There are many examples for what this might look like or what the potential value might be.  Say for example you are on your way to a meeting, your car could have access to your calendar and already know the best route to take, if the traffic is heavy your car might send a text to the other party notifying them that you will be late.  What if your alarm clock wakes up you at 6 am and then notifies your coffee maker to start brewing coffee for you? What if your office equipment knew when it was running low on supplies and automatically re-ordered more?  What if the wearable device you used in the workplace could tell you when and where you were most active and productive and shared that information with other devices that you used while working?

On a broader scale the IoT can be applied to things like transportation networks “smart cities” which can help us reduce waste and improve efficiency for things such as energy use; this helping us understand and improve how we work and live.  Take a look at the visual below to see what something like that can look like.

The reality is that the IoT allows for virtually endless opportunities and connections to take place, many of which we can’t even think of or fully understand the impact of today.  It’s not hard to see how and why the IoT is such a hot topic today, it certainly opens the door to a lot of opportunities but also to many challenges.  Security is big issues that is oftentimes brought up.  With billions of devices being connect together what can people to do make sure that their information stays secure?  Will someone be able to hack into your toaster and thereby get access to your entire network?  The IoT also opens up companies all over the world to more security threats.  Then we have the issue of privacy and data sharing.  This is a hot button topic even today so one can only imagine how the conversation and concerns will escalate when we are talking about many billions of devices being connected.  Another issue that many companies specifically are going to be faced with is around the massive amounts data that all of these devices are going to produce.  Companies need to figure out a way to store, track, analyze, and make sense of the vast amounts of data that will be generated.

So what now?

Conversations about the IoT are (and have been for several years) taking place all over the world as we seek to understand how this will impact our lives.  We are also trying to understand what the many opportunities and challenges are going to be as more and more devices start to join the IoT.  For now the best thing that we can do is educate ourselves about what the IoT is and the potential impacts that can be seen on how we work and live.

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Article #2

Connected Devices Accelerate the Need for IPv6 in the Internet of Things (original article)

Posted on 27 Decembter 2013 in: Blog, Featured Article, General Information, IPv4, IPv6

Just how many devices are connected to the Internet? A report from the NPD Group found there are more than half a billion Internet connected devices in U.S. homes alone – that’s more than the number of U.S. residents. And a report from ABI Research found there are more than 10 billion wirelessly connected devices in the global market.  Those numbers are only expected to increase as the Internet of Things (IoT) expands to include more devices that can connect to the Internet.  Gartner predicts the IoT base will grow to 26 billion units by 2020 not including smartphones, tablets and PCs.  Including those items, other predictions have placed the number of Internet-connected devices in 2020 everywhere from 50 billion to 75 billion.

The IoT is a true demonstration of the evolution of the Internet, but its potential could be slowed by IPv4 depletion. As the number of available IPv4 addresses dwindles, it is more crucial than ever to ensure new consumer devices and the networks that support them are IPv6 enabled.

Every device needs a unique IP address to connect to the Internet.  Drawing only from the pool of addresses that IPv4 provides, there just simply won’t be enough to connect every new gizmo and gadget to the Internet.  Fortunately we have IPv6 that has been in production across the web on many networks for years that can meet addressing need challenges.  There are 340 trillion trillion trillion IPv6 addresses available to allow the Internet of Things to come to fruition.  What is more, transit networks as a whole need to support IPv6 in order for all of these new devices to function properly and efficiently.

The Internet of Things has the potential to open new markets for innovation for many businesses and even entire industries. Take for example the car industry, where Ford’s director of technology predicts cars will have voice recognition capabilities allowing drivers to connect to their apps, pre-order a coffee or pre-pay for gas – all using their voice. Let’s not forget about safety, either. Envision a future with wearable sensors for drivers with medical conditions that connect to your car and can prevent accidents during medical emergencies.

The possibilities of the IoT with IPv6 are endless and the bottom line is consumers don’t want devices that will only connect them to part of the future Internet. The IoT is a dawning reality and its evolution is dependent on the use of IPv6.

True Story. Happened To Me Today

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When I answered this call today I immediately heard a very familiar song began to play, “Highway To Hell” (AC/DC). As I listened to the music I waited for a conversation to begin but after the 3 1/2 minutes the call ended on its own. Now, as shown here on the two screenshots, I did not answer the call the first time because I was in shock. However, when the call came in minutes later, I was intrigued, so I answered it.

Now, luckily I was able to screenshot this call because nobody was going to believe this shit really happened. Many possibilities ran through my skull as to who was behind the call. My wife recommended calling Verizon (our carrier) so they could investigate the calls. After about an hour I get a call back from them with their “answer”. Seems this call was routed, rerouted, and then encrypted through some 30 odd countries, yet they cannot determine an origin. So, somebody is actually pretty good at playing the protocol game. Yes, it is strange, very strange, I know. I did call the number back and it doesn’t even ring, the call just disconnects.

But, I do think it is funny. Thank you to whomever came up with this idea because I was sucked in enough to actually answer a call from ” Satan”. So, if it is someone reading this post, just stand up and take a bow, fuck it, take two.

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Finding A Lost Cell Phone

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Well, saying I found this cell phone is putting it mildly. Let’s say that when I noticed the cell phone it was after I pulled into the parking space at Home Depot. I heard a crunch and when I back up a bit and got out of my H1 I saw the carnage. Truly it was an unforseen accident. For a moment I even felt a little bad. But then that turned into laughing silently because some dumb bastard dropped his phone in the parking lot and doesn’t even know it, and now I killed it. Oooops. My first thought was to kick it so it would slide under someone else’s vehicle, but then I wanted to pick it up to see of it still turned on. My curiosity got the best of me because I bent over and pocked the damn thing up. I quickly realized that the phone was identical to mine, well except my phone isn’t smashed to shit, but it madefiguring out how to power it on super simple. I like simple. It took a very long time, meaning like 3 minutes, before it went to the home screen. Now, I am thinking the phone belongs to a female because the background is a picture of a dozen roses and a bottle of wine. No, I am not being stereotypical, I am being assuming, there’s a difference. So, the phone at least powers on, so I decided to see what else it had going on. Does it have service? Yes, good signal and 4G lit up nice and proud. I open the contacts, well, attempted to, and there was an error which made the phone restart. I’m thinking man this phone is fucked up. When it came back on I went to the recent calls and it spazzed out again restarting. Maybe a trash can would be okay, just wipe my prints off, toss it, and walk away. But nooooooooooooo, I’m too nosey for that and I am too curious to do that. Okay, maybe see if this person had some pictures to look at. Ummm, there are pictures I should have never seen. Let’s just say she took quite a few very intimate selfies everywhere she damn well pleased. Now, I will admit, I didn’t mind looking at her naked, I felt bad for doing so, but was also humored knowing that she mist be concerned that somebody would see the pictures.

Then, out of the blue the fucking things vibrating in my hand, someone was calling. What do I do? Answer it? I think not. Then she gets a voicemail. Moments later she gets a text. She has it set up where the text opens automatically on top of everything else. The text read: “If you find this phone please reply or return a call to the last number”. I wonder if she realized her lost phone was on vibrate. Probably not. Wanting to return her property I returned the text and said “you can retrieve your phone at the customer service desk at the Home Depot where she misplaced it, they are expecting you”. I left it in the care of a very nice woman and went on my way, I was here to get a toilet kit so I could stop the toilet in my show from running all the time. After checking out I asked the woman if anyone came to claim the phone and she said no. I was parked up front so I went out and waited for a bit to see if she was coming. After about ten minutes or so I saw her walking in. A few minutes layer she is walking out, looking around very suspicious like. I could see the look on her face, she looked very upset and disappointed. She walked out to her little Lexus sports car and drove away. See, I can be a nice guy when I want to be. As far as I know this story has had a happy ending. In the end I was left wondering what she was thinking at the moment she realized she had misplaced her phone. The reality is that all I can do is just imagine. I guess the moral of this story is be careful what you keep on your cell phone because this could one day be you.