Fucking People Make It Complicated

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The first question I fucking have is why do fucking people make it complicated? It’s easy to not fuck up the food you cook, it’s easy as hell if you just pay fucking attention. Y’all know I spend a great deal of time reading other people’s blogs. Y’all know I usually don’t fucking comment because people have said I drop too many fucking f-bombs. Probably some truth in there some where I’m sure. I visit a few handfuls of what I will call cooking lifestyle blogs, they range from gourmet to trashcan grilling and most things in between. I noticed a fucking trend I really don’t fucking like, across the board, but I saved my bitching and moaning for my own fucking blog because, well, that’s how I fucking am. If y’all have taken the time to read my last post you’ll see I demonstrated the right way to pan sear a fucking steak, but it goes deeper than that, much much deeper. I had read a few posts about doing a fucking gourmet pan seared steak. I must ask, what in the fuck are you people trying to do to me? Putting all this bullshit on your meat and you’ll never fucking taste the meat, just your bullshit. So, I got to thinking, eventhough I can be considered nothing more than an average cook who learned to cook by standing next to real humans, I still know that one needs practice. Food is judged by it’s fucking taste morons, even if it looks like a pile of shit, if it tastes good I’m going to eat it. But it seems like everyone is in some kind of fucking cooking competition, got to Tweet that shit, got to Pin that shit, and even Share that shit. Looks can be very deceiving, anyone can polish a turd for a fucking picture, but will you eat it?

Okay, I’ll agree there are many fantastic cooks out in the world, and your food is making people fat and happy. But, who are these motherfuckers who watch the cable food channels and surf the internet who all of a sudden are culinary experts? Y’all know who I’m talking about, we all have them in our families and lives, hell I’m probably pissing one of them off right now. With two big cooking holidays coming up fast we all know there are those people’s food we won’t fucking touch because it fucking sucks. Why? Because they can’t cook that’s why! Oh, but they try, right? Wrong! Copying something from Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, or wherever the fuck else does NOT make you a fucking cook, really it doesn’t. But does this stop them from posting on their blogs? No. Does this stop them from inflicting their unimaginable culinary disasters on friends and family? No. If you can’t cook just own the shit out of that, you can never fake fucking steak, never.

So, what am I doing here? I’m trying to tug at your heart strings in hopes that one day soon we will be rid of the wannabe cooks. I pride myself self on the fact that I cook what I know how to cook, I grill in a way that food is edible, and I smoke meats in ways that will make you want to dry hump my leg with excitement. However, I’m a down home simple ingredients kind of cook. I do NOT bury the flavor of what I’m cooking in other bullshit, I’m simple in my methods. I have taught an ex-wife to cook, my wife to cook (in different ways, she’s a bad ass cook already), and all three of my kids to cook. Why? Because if we’re going to eat we might as well fucking enjoy the way it tastes. Right or wrong? But, my soon to be married 19 year old daughter has been exploring the cooking shows and scouring the internet for recipes to try. She can’t figure out why she doesn’t like the way the food tastes. My answer? You need to fucking practice, practice allot, make changes, own that shit until you can do it blindfolded, without the recipe card, and where it comes out delicious every single time. Me, I don’t have any recipes written down anywhere, but I do try to accurately share proportions when prompted, but I doubt it’s ever exact. An example, search my blog for details, I make what I call Diablo Scorpion Chili on a regular basis because my wife, her friends at work, and family can’t ever get enough of this high heat colon cleansing chili. It has been made the same way since I dreamed that shit up some 25 years ago to enter into a chili cook off. Not to brag, but best in heat, best in flavor, and best appearance tells me it might be good, don’t change a fucking thing.

But I do more, I even share with pictures here on occasion, people actually write to me thanking me because it all tasted as described. Why? Because I don’t do all the bullshit, basic is the best flavoring. Anyway, my question still remains, why do people try to “fake it” on the internet? People try their recipes I’m sure, as I have, and most times I’m not impressed. I’m no expert when it comes to cooking, but I don’t get complaints either. My fucking wish I have for people learning to cook or wanting to learn something new is to spend time with other humans, whether it is family or friends, and be shown in person how to make a recipe work. Let’s face it, if it looks pretty but tastes like shit then you have failed. My family knows I don’t mind eating the ugly mistakes if they taste great. Our daily food consumption should be eating simple meals, inexpensive meals, and meals we want to eat. I like to try new things too, but some science experiments are best left to the experts and that for fucking sure is not me. So the next time you get a wild hair up your ass, try making something new, posting it online, just make sure it fucking tastes awesome. If not, its pretty hard to fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just keep that in mind. I hope we all learned something today, if so there is hope for us humans, if not we’re all fucking doomed.

Diablo Scorpion Chili

I don’t know the exact Scoville heat factor for my chili. I know it’s freaking hot. This, ironically, is how the name Diablo Scorpion came about. It burns like hell going in and has a pretty wicked sting coming out as well. Why people like it is beyond me, but they do. I make chili year round, at least once a month, if not more because of the holidays. It’s my wife’s favorite dish that I make. She would eat it all the time if I would make it. These days, I have become smarter. I make roughly 3 gallons of chili at a time. She has a meal of it the first day, we keep out another meals worth in the fridge, and then I freeze the rest in two serving size bowls for her to pull out and heat up at her leisure. I have been making this version of my chili for about 25 years. I make others, inspired in part where I have lived in the past and the flavor influences of that region of the world.

So, what makes it hot? The ingredients, the slow simmering of the flavors, and the fact (my opinion) that I grow most of my ingredients and I have my own chili powder blend that I have mastered over the years. I will pass on the chili powder mix when I am unable to cook someday. The rest I am going to give to you as my way of giving back to so many people that have helped me over the years with great dish and meal ideas. It’s funny, I enter quite a few chili cook offs here locally in the Houston area. I have won a few over the years, but not all. I do get quite a few placements just for heat. The heat will numb your teeth, gums, tongue, inside of your mouth, and your throat within the first two bites, and then you can enjoy the flavor. So, if you don’t mind sweating while you eat, this is the perfect chili for you. I must give one absolute warning that always must be adhered to. Never, under any circumstances, get this chili in, near, or around your eyes because it has about the same effect as U.S. Military Grade Pepper Spray. As a personal warning, I do not recommend breathing, burping, farting, or any other expellation of gases in or around any open flame source.

So, you want to make my chili? First you will need the ingredients. As mentioned, almost everything I use is homegrown and fresh off the bush. Grown in my garden are Jalapeno Peppers, Serrano Peppers, Habanero Peppers, Tomatoes, Green Chiles, and Mushrooms. However, if you cannot provide fresh, I guess store bought or even canned/jarred will work also. Gives me the shudders just thinking that my chili would be made from a can. So, the ingredients list first, and then I will give instruction on preparation and cooking. This recipe is based on about a 3 gallon yield, so you might have to scale the portions if needed. For those of you who cook, there should be no problem.

Diablo Scorpion Chili

4 cup Jose Cuervo Silver Tequila
5 lbs Lean Ground Beef
2 cup Jalapeno Peppers, sliced and chopped
2 cup Serrano Peppers, sliced and chopped
½ cup Ghost Peppers, chopped finely
½ cup Red Savina Habanero Peppers, chopped finely
2 cup Green Chile Peppers, chopped finely
2 cup Mushrooms, sliced (optional)
2 cup Black Olives, sliced (optional)
2 cup Green Olives, sliced (optional)
3 can Red Kidney Beans (optional)
6 lrg Tomatoes diced to preference
¼ cup Tabasco Sauce (pick your own flavor, I use the Original)
¼ cup Salt
¼ cup Pepper (I use white ground)
3 cup Chili dry mix (my secret, see below for alternate dry ingredients that will be substituted)
5 pkg Chili Mix (found in the store with the gravy)
1 tbs Onion Powder (or Onion Salt)
1 tbs Garlic Powder (or Garlic Salt)

1 tbs Lemon and Herb mix spice
½ cup Chili Powder
½ cup Granulated Sugar (optional) (see note)
8 cup Water (tap or bottled, your choice) (add or decrease based on thickness desired.)
Note: You can add about 1/2 cup of sugar also, if you want, it helps take off some of the edge without messing up the flavor or making it sweet.

Preparations:

Chop/ slice/ dice everything that needs to have it done, be sure to keep all juices, seeds, and skins with it. Drain and rinse beans.

Brown ground beef, add in 2 cups of tequila, jalapeno peppers, Serrano peppers, Habanero peppers, and chiles. When ground beef is browned, do not drain.

Add everything else including the other two cups of tequila Use the amount of water you wish to get your desired thickness. Chili mix will thicken some as it cooks and blends under heat. Bring the entire chili mixture to a boil, stirring lightly. Let boil ten minutes then turn down the heat, cover, and let it simmer to stew and meld all the ingredients (stirring on occassion) for 1 ½ to 2 hours for best flavor results.

And now you have Diablo Scorpion Chili, enjoy.