In my past life I was a bartender in a full nude strip bar here in Houston. That’s not important tho, what is important is that I met some truly amazing people there, and I made some pretty good friends. One of those friends, Arlene, always told me I needed to have a sexual advice column on my blog and she would be the one providing the advice, both for men and women. Well, life happens pretty fast and I found myself not working there any longer, which sadly cut me off from 90% of the people I know. However, with a little effort, Arlene tracked me down, we had a few phone calls, and the results are what you are about to read. I gave her full reign, write what she wanted and how she wanted. So, I must warn y’all in advance, she’s really graphic and very blunt. Now, it’s time to relax in our chairs, and give some deep thoughts to what she has to say. I told her, depending on reader response, we would discuss future posts from her. I don’t know where she gets her great information from, but if I had to guess, it has been from male trial and error as well as female success. If y’all like it or dislike it, please let us know.
Alright all of you men that think you’ve got the gift of the tongue because if you think you know how to use it to please a woman’s pussy, well guess again motherfuckers. Get the note pad out men and start seriously taking notes because this is how pussy is taken care of orally and this is how it’s done and done properly.
I present to all men on planet Earth, the lesbian approved guide to eating pussy the right way.
First of all, let me make clear that men really suck at eating pussy. I’m sorry to crush egos here, but it’s the truth and it’s time to set you fuckers straight once and for all. It’s not because they don’t like having a mouth full off delicious pussy, its because eating pussy where she actually enjoys it is really fucking hard for men. Eating pussy is an art. You have to learn to eat her pussy. But first you must understand her pussy. So it’s time women broke it down for the men and that’s what I intend doing.
The secret to eating pussy is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating her pussy as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY FUCKING GOD!!” like her fingers just got slammed in the fucking car door. Remember, cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “Oh My Fucking God.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik who is hung like a damn mule. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.
Don’t go down on her unless you’re down with going down on her. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. If you eat that pussy like a pig at the trough, a lot of your stupid mistakes will be forgiven, I promise.
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry pussy, go back to the kissing, hugging, and groping for a while. Sometimes heavy petting is just the ticket to get her juices hot and flowing. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips and not just rubbing lips violently. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for your undistracted attention before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be the one who brings up wet fingers that both of you can share like a 1950’s milkshake with two straws. Also, equally important, don’t play your trump card too soon by putting all of your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill your tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning and poking the pussy too soon is sure to put out the fire.
Submarine mission time for you now, so get ready. Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of her pussy and don’t touch anything on her body for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on a very long vacation. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the blanket off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill her mood. Stat by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before her pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the puss in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her pussy, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual opening. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over her mound for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite any part of the pussy in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
You’ll need to part the Red Seas to isolate your playing field. The legs must spread apart wide enough in order to get your entire face into her pussy. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big pussy buffet.
Do your very first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too, the vibrations will pulsate through her entire body. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur (if no fur then stop just beyond the top of folds). Do about a dozen of these big sloppy wet St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.
Rock the boat like she experiencing rough seas, pussy is not meant to be eaten in a gentle or idle motion. If you’re getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes eating pussy so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
You need to Identify the clit type. After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away. Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
Clits that need a serious going-over are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea of what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics. Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale for everyone. Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
In conclusion, once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. Now is the time to take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
EXTRA BONUS TRACKS
How to know if you are getting fired. If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at your sucking. Just give her an extra hard pounding and look at the whole thing as a learning experience, she won’t complain. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you’re really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old “slow-down-you’re-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that’s-perfect” can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the fucking. Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own pecker, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the honey hole.
If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her ass for a while. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce the ass finger as a good thing, try sliding it in during orgasm. If it doesn’t wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship. We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if you’re into that, you’re way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago. Ass-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant pleasurable results.
The double whammy is simultaneous fingering and it’s a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the pussy using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest. This concludes today’s important lesson for men on how a woman wants to have her pussy eaten. I hope you learned something today, and if not then there is little hope for men trying to eat pussy right.