Fucking People Make It Complicated

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The first question I fucking have is why do fucking people make it complicated? It’s easy to not fuck up the food you cook, it’s easy as hell if you just pay fucking attention. Y’all know I spend a great deal of time reading other people’s blogs. Y’all know I usually don’t fucking comment because people have said I drop too many fucking f-bombs. Probably some truth in there some where I’m sure. I visit a few handfuls of what I will call cooking lifestyle blogs, they range from gourmet to trashcan grilling and most things in between. I noticed a fucking trend I really don’t fucking like, across the board, but I saved my bitching and moaning for my own fucking blog because, well, that’s how I fucking am. If y’all have taken the time to read my last post you’ll see I demonstrated the right way to pan sear a fucking steak, but it goes deeper than that, much much deeper. I had read a few posts about doing a fucking gourmet pan seared steak. I must ask, what in the fuck are you people trying to do to me? Putting all this bullshit on your meat and you’ll never fucking taste the meat, just your bullshit. So, I got to thinking, eventhough I can be considered nothing more than an average cook who learned to cook by standing next to real humans, I still know that one needs practice. Food is judged by it’s fucking taste morons, even if it looks like a pile of shit, if it tastes good I’m going to eat it. But it seems like everyone is in some kind of fucking cooking competition, got to Tweet that shit, got to Pin that shit, and even Share that shit. Looks can be very deceiving, anyone can polish a turd for a fucking picture, but will you eat it?

Okay, I’ll agree there are many fantastic cooks out in the world, and your food is making people fat and happy. But, who are these motherfuckers who watch the cable food channels and surf the internet who all of a sudden are culinary experts? Y’all know who I’m talking about, we all have them in our families and lives, hell I’m probably pissing one of them off right now. With two big cooking holidays coming up fast we all know there are those people’s food we won’t fucking touch because it fucking sucks. Why? Because they can’t cook that’s why! Oh, but they try, right? Wrong! Copying something from Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, or wherever the fuck else does NOT make you a fucking cook, really it doesn’t. But does this stop them from posting on their blogs? No. Does this stop them from inflicting their unimaginable culinary disasters on friends and family? No. If you can’t cook just own the shit out of that, you can never fake fucking steak, never.

So, what am I doing here? I’m trying to tug at your heart strings in hopes that one day soon we will be rid of the wannabe cooks. I pride myself self on the fact that I cook what I know how to cook, I grill in a way that food is edible, and I smoke meats in ways that will make you want to dry hump my leg with excitement. However, I’m a down home simple ingredients kind of cook. I do NOT bury the flavor of what I’m cooking in other bullshit, I’m simple in my methods. I have taught an ex-wife to cook, my wife to cook (in different ways, she’s a bad ass cook already), and all three of my kids to cook. Why? Because if we’re going to eat we might as well fucking enjoy the way it tastes. Right or wrong? But, my soon to be married 19 year old daughter has been exploring the cooking shows and scouring the internet for recipes to try. She can’t figure out why she doesn’t like the way the food tastes. My answer? You need to fucking practice, practice allot, make changes, own that shit until you can do it blindfolded, without the recipe card, and where it comes out delicious every single time. Me, I don’t have any recipes written down anywhere, but I do try to accurately share proportions when prompted, but I doubt it’s ever exact. An example, search my blog for details, I make what I call Diablo Scorpion Chili on a regular basis because my wife, her friends at work, and family can’t ever get enough of this high heat colon cleansing chili. It has been made the same way since I dreamed that shit up some 25 years ago to enter into a chili cook off. Not to brag, but best in heat, best in flavor, and best appearance tells me it might be good, don’t change a fucking thing.

But I do more, I even share with pictures here on occasion, people actually write to me thanking me because it all tasted as described. Why? Because I don’t do all the bullshit, basic is the best flavoring. Anyway, my question still remains, why do people try to “fake it” on the internet? People try their recipes I’m sure, as I have, and most times I’m not impressed. I’m no expert when it comes to cooking, but I don’t get complaints either. My fucking wish I have for people learning to cook or wanting to learn something new is to spend time with other humans, whether it is family or friends, and be shown in person how to make a recipe work. Let’s face it, if it looks pretty but tastes like shit then you have failed. My family knows I don’t mind eating the ugly mistakes if they taste great. Our daily food consumption should be eating simple meals, inexpensive meals, and meals we want to eat. I like to try new things too, but some science experiments are best left to the experts and that for fucking sure is not me. So the next time you get a wild hair up your ass, try making something new, posting it online, just make sure it fucking tastes awesome. If not, its pretty hard to fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just keep that in mind. I hope we all learned something today, if so there is hope for us humans, if not we’re all fucking doomed.

Now A Small Group Of Teachers Hate Me

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Over this past weekend I’m checking my e-mail, one subject line stood out above the rest because the line is usually empty so I get surprises, but this one read “Great Pictures Of Us Enclosed”. After weeding through 56 others which were mostly spam, there were some others that were to go to The Magic Weekend postings, so I had to read those first. So, when I opened the e-mail I started by opening the attachment. Above is the beautiful picture that opened up. This e-mail was sent from, what I will assume to be, personal e-mail address. The e-mailer claims to be a 3rd grade teacher and is writing her e-mail with other teachers from the same local Houston elementary school. She explains that she accidentally stumbled across my shitty blog because she checked out my “About” section on Pinterest. She states that I re-pinned 3 of her pictures and pinned them into my “Texas” board. She likes to look at who is pinning her pins to see if they may have anything of interest to her. I generally do the same thing, I think that is how we all do it, but I won’t assume to know that as fact, just personal experience. She explained that out of my close to 9,000 pins that she found only 7 she would consider re-pinning and 3 of them came from her board originally. She chose not to re-pin any because she didn’t want me to back track to her boards any longer. She considered everything else to be pure garbage. The second way they made it here was because I liked a blog post on a blog her good friend writes. She wasn’t specific on which blog it was but did ask why I would only “Like” an essay post about the declining role of strippers in lives of most adult males living in Houston Texas. She asked why I didn’t have a comment since I write about strippers as if I was an expert. She also stated she believes it was to mock the post, not taking the statistical information seriously. She went on to say that if I had any balls that I would have left a comment. Really, balls? I need balls to leave a comment? Very interesting. Anyway, she tracked back and landed on my blog as well. Apparently they had a small consult and realized, with a small group of teacher friends that they didn’t like me, my blog, anything I post, or anything I supposedly stand for.

They would like to know why I try to use current events to promote my silly little blog since all of the information I post is slanted and disinformation which misleads readers into thinking I actually have a clue about what I’m writing. At every turn I seem to take the opportunity to be dishonest, disgusting, and deceitful to everyone who makes the stupid choice to visit my blog. They think that I give Houston, Texas, and the United States a black eye because I claim to be from them and that I’m proud of them. Wait, a black eye? I wonder if they don’t realize that I have a very small percentage of regular or even part-time readers. If I wasn’t on WordPress, Google+, Facebook, Pinterest, and Blogcatalog there wouldn’t be any promoting and nobody would even know I exist as far as having a blog. I try to get my posts out to be read, that much is true. I don’t try very hard though and that is probably why my numbers are low, unless we count the spammers, then I am very popular. She wants to know the “purpose” of my blog because she can’t figure any of it out. Exactly, I have a disorganized blog for a reason and that reason is because I arrange things how I see fit because it suits me perfectly. Purpose? There isn’t one other than using my blog as a platform to talk about this and that, a place for me to place what I find interesting. I do one thing on purpose here, call it my shits and giggles purpose if nothing else. I write in a fashion that gives the grammar Nazi wannabe school teachers something to grade besides schoolwork. I do not spell check or grammar check my posts since I write as if I were talking to someone. Plus, this way is fun because there are so many people out there who can’t wait to point out the mistakes. Does it make me a bad person because I enjoy screwing with someone’s OCD? Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t, y’all decide for me.

I would like to talk a bit about this handwritten note. Who in the hell writes a note out by hand and then takes a picture to attach to an e-mail? Let’s explore my first impressions and what it says to me. First, it means that she doesn’t know how to do that on a computer. Second, she was too lazy to do it on the computer. But, probably she was looking for the impact a handwritten note delivers. A handwritten note says “I took the time to write this note”. Looking at the actual message I would like to remind y’all that the word “hate” is a real strong word with some real definite meaning attached. When someone hates someone/something it usually means it is really personal. Is it personal? Do I offend them that much? Hate, really? Should I just assume that the entire world hates me? Impossible, but a nice thought. I never knew I was known so widely. Almost sounds like a compliment instead of the way she intended it to be insulting. If she would have read around a bit she could have easily figured out that I really don’t care if people love or hate me since that isn’t why I’m here. I’m not here to feed my own ego, I’m here to talk, sometimes seriously and sometimes just for the hell of it. I think finally that the last line is my favorite part of the entire message and I will leave it alone from this point forward. At close to the end of her e-mail she instructs me to not write about any of this on my blog or I can expect more e-mails from her and others. Really? Don’t write about what I want to write about on my own blog? You can’t be serious! How can I make that choice not to write about any of this bullshit? This has been one of the more funny e-mails I have got in a long, long time. The best one to date since moving here to WordPress, hands down, she has no competition. Hell, she didn’t just verbally attack my blog but she verbally attacks me as well. Well, you daffy girls, as you can see, I dedicated a few paragraphs to your silliness and bullshit. I don’t find it a waste of time because I have a feeling at least a few other people in the world will be laughing their asses off as well. It’s because of people just like you who give the grand definition of what a Fucktard really means that I get up every morning motivated to talk about the stupid people I encounter almost every day. Don’t be mad at me because I disobeyed the teacher, be mad at me because I tell the truth. Please do write me again, I enjoy people like you writing me, it puts a smile on my face for the entire day. I can’t thank y’all enough for taking the time to consult one another and send me such a great e-mail and handwritten message. Until next time bitches. For everyone else, remember to eat it everyday!