A Late Valentine’s Day History Treat

It was recently bought to my personal attention by a very eager contributor to The Scorpion Army that I skipped anything about Valentine’s Day yet another year. It’s true, I do skip it, it’s a stupid “holiday” in my opinion. I truly dislike absolutely everything about it, especially the commercialization of how one is to show love or affection. It just blows my mind the amount of money dole out, and for what? I could mention Christmas and Easter as well, but we’ll get back to those another day altogether. Since I’m way behind on the whole email reading thing I’m just now getting to this one, I hope she understands. But, this is an interesting look at the iconic Valentine’s Day heart’s origin, or at least one opinion, and if nothing else it sparked my interest a little. I’ve said for a long time that the worship of the ass of females should be a religion. Anyway, I don’t know where she got the information below or how accurate it is, but it made me smile, so I chose to share.

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The familiar double-lobed heart symbol seen on modern day Valentine’s Day cards and candy was inspired by the shape of human female buttocks as seen from the rear. The twin lobes of the stylized version correspond roughly to the paired auricles and ventricles of the anatomical heart, but is never bright red in color and its shape does not have the invagination at the top nor the sharp point at the base. The ancient Greeks and Romans originated the link between human female anatomy and the heart shape. The Greeks associated beauty with the curves of the human female behind. The Greek goddess of beauty, Aphrodite, was beautiful all over, but was unique in that her buttocks were especially beautiful. Her shapely rounded hemispheres were so appreciated by the Greeks that they built a special temple Aphrodite Kallipygos, which literally meant, ‘Goddess with the Beautiful Buttocks.’ This was probably the only religious building in the world that was dedicated to buttock worship.

What the traditional “heart shape” actually depicts is a matter of some controversy. It only vaguely resembles the human heart. The seed of the silphium plant, used in ancient times as an herbal contraceptive, has been suggested as the source of the heart symbol. The heart symbol could also be considered to depict features of the human female body, such as the female’s buttocks, pubic mound, or spread vulva. The tantric symbol of the “Yoni” is another example of a heart-shaped abstraction of a woman’s vulva.

Female Urination Devices Reviewed

Once again, while looking for something completely different on the internet I got sidetracked. Oh no, not again right? Right. I was l looking for a new tent to use next year when we go to South Dakota for my oldest daughter’s wedding. We’ll be having our own side trip, the wife and I. Anyway, an advertisement appears for a review on female urination devices and like a curious dumb beast I clicked on it. I am going to be sharing said review in a moment. I share it without permission and so I may be held accountable for my actions. I do not endorse any particular product or brand or business, I just found the review process humorous, entertaining, and informative therefore I am leaving it in tact. Therefore, I will share. The only opinion I have personally is that I think it’s a cool idea. I don’t know how many women agree, have tried one out, or would consider trying one out, but my wife said fuck no. So, leave your opinions or stories in the comments if you want to. As well, there are many articles, many products not covered below, and a large number of “how-to” information out on the internet, have fun. (image is of a maniquin)

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Gear Review: Female Urination Devices

Women’s equality takes on a whole new meaning with these seven contraptions.

Review by: Molly Loomis
Backpacker.com

Hey girls: Have you ever been jealous that, unlike your male companions, you can’t pee standing up? Baring your bootie during inclement weather, or through multiple layers and a climbing harness can be a total pisser when trying to take one. Full disclosure: This test started off as a joke. We’ve been barraged in recent months with press releases from companies who claim to have solved an age-old problem for women adventurers: How to pee standing up–without sacrificing cleanliness, frostbite, or time futzing with harness buckles while climbing big mountains. This blossoming category of gear seemed too comical to be true, but one female mountain guide, Molly Loomis of Exum Mountain Guides stepped up to the plate and agreed to dig deep into the world of “she-nises” (her words, not ours!) Over the course of six months, from desert canyons to the tops of snowy peaks, she and her team of three intrepid women mastered the art of peeing while standing. Here’s the scoop on the seven devices they tested, listed in order of performance.

Blitz Specialty Funnel
Forget about splashy marketing materials and girly shades of pink: For price and ease of use, this plastic funnel from the auto parts store can’t be beat. (Plus, a trip to the auto parts store will jumpstart your inner testosterone, which will come in handy when using these devices.) The wide mouth, angled cup and long funnel make doing your business a breeze. And the hard, plastic material means it’s easy to place and hold firm. Even through a harness, down pants, and multiple under layers, our testers were able to aim and fire in just seconds. Downer: It’s bulky to pack. $2; 1.3 oz.; blitzusa.com

Lady J
Marketed for women in the armed services and pilots, the Lady J provides a great middle ground between the Freshette and the Blitz. Like the Blitz, it’s got a large cup and mouth but it’s made of slightly malleable plastic so it’s much easier to pack. “On a backcountry ski trip through a thick blizzard in the Tetons, I was in no mood to expose my butt; the Lady J was quick and easy to use. But, when it comes to spouts, bigger really is better, and I wish this one were a tad longer.” $10; .5 oz.; ((no website, but it is available from several online retailers))

She Wee
Like the Freshette, the She Wee’s slimmed down design makes it ideal for weight conscious climbers and backpackers. One tester made a small ditty sack for it that she kept clipped to her harness while on long, multi-pitch climbs in Red Rocks. Downer: Small mouth and cup takes more practice than most. $12; .6 oz.; sheweeusa.com

Whiz Freedom
Whiz Freedom’s lightweight and malleable design is intriguing, as is the sparkly pink storage pouch. But the pliable plastic combined with a small, shallow mouth leaves too much room for icky errors. “I wish I had spent more time practicing at home before venturing out on a backcountry ski without a dry pair of long underwear,” she said. Downer: Tough to use in a hurry. $25; .5 oz.; whizfreedom.com

Travel Mate
With the slogan, “No More Tush in the Bush” and a graphic set of instructions on proper placement, the Travel Mate is good for a few laughs. It’s wicked light and packable, but because its cup is so small and narrow—about 75 percent smaller than the other devices— it’s finicky to use. In fact, we were plagued by leaks when we tried it, so it never made it beyond the bathroom walls. Downer: You reach a certain point and say, “How much time do I really want to spend practicing this?” $8; .3 oz.; whenyagottago.com

Go Girl
Go Girl’s packaging advocates, “Don’t Take Life Sitting Down!” but you’re better off doing so with this squishy device. Yes, it packs down to the size of a small bottle of aspirin, but one tester’s misaiming misadventures provided comic relief for her friends on a long day of ice climbing. Downer: It works fine if you’re willing to pull down your pants and position it—but that defeats the purpose when you’re roped up in a raging blizzard. $10; .8 oz.; go-girl.com

Freshette Sports/Travel Package
Our testers favored the Freshette above all others while climbing big mountains in Antarctica and walls in Yosemite. It let them stay clipped in and on the move, no matter the weather or the company, and because of it’s size, shape, and structure, it was the most foolproof and efficient of all the devices. “I admit, the concept took some getting used to,” said one tester. “But once I got past the weirdness factor, it was easy: Just unzip your fly (or move your clothing away) and place the plastic “trough” firmly in position. Aim the spout at your target and….ahhhh. Caution: Don’t try this on a peak without practicing at home—proper technique is critical. And whatever you do, keep your back to the wind at all costs! $24; 5 oz.; freshette.com

Are Tattooed & Pierced Girls Broken?

Before y’all begin reading the paragraphs below I would like to give credit to the writer, but I can’t, because I don’t know who it is. The paragraphs below belong to someone and if that author would like to lay claim to it I will be more than happy to give proper crediting. Now, I appreciate the fact that members of the Scorpion Army provide me with great material such as the topic below, but more often than not we forget to provide me the source so I don’t get accused of theft and/or plagiarism. In turn, I am obligated to use a disclaimer to remind everyone it isn’t my own personal work.

With that being said, this article made me think about my own tattoos, my wife’s tattoos and piercings, and my oldest daughter’s tattoo. Strangely enough, I am the artist of the combined 8 tattoos of ours. One of my secret talents is doodling well enough that some people think it’s halfway decent. Anyway, my point is simple really, I’m a very firm believer that the tattoo is a personal choice for personal reasons. As a society, we judge people for their choices, myself included, because we only think we understand it all. I’m a tattoo fan, that’s all I can say. So, anyway, if nothing else the article below is, at the very least, entertaining.

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********* The Article Begins Now *********

“No girl has ever improved her looks with a gaudy mural injected under her skin or a piece of metal dangling from her nostrils. There’s no man on Earth who has ever thought about his girlfriend or wife, “Man, you know what would make her even sexier? A butterfly emblazoned just over her ass.” Yet despite this objective reality, thousands of girls continue to mutilate themselves at an astounding rate, to the point where more girls now have tattoos than men. Here are the reasons why you should shun these girls like they’re lepers.

1. They’re sluts

What kind of girl would be comfortable lying down half-naked in public for two hours while some fat dude with a dirty beard jams a sharp needle into her skin? Answer: the kind of girl who takes sharp objects in her vagina as a hobby. Girls with tattoos and/or piercings (aside from earrings) are slags who fall in and out of guys’ beds at a moment’s notice. If you’re unfortunate enough to commit to a girl with ink on her body or metal in her face, she’ll cheat on you at the drop of a hat. Tattoos and piercings are the mark of the whore, which is why in more traditional countries like the Philippines, only whores have them.

One of the first girls I ever banged was a self-styled “piercing addict.” She had multiple ear piercings, a stud in her nose, a tongue piercing, and both nipples pierced. While we were dating, she was also bragging about how she was going to get her clit pierced (oh lucky me). In the time that I knew her, she went on to bang two of my friends, as well as at least four other guys I knew, within a span of two months. She would later get busted by campus police for turning tricks on the side.

2. They have no foresight

Even in our degenerate society, people with visible tattoos and piercings have difficulty getting jobs. Not even minimum wage employers will hire them, because no one wants their Big Mac or Double Crappuccino served by an Apocalypto extra. Girls who get inked or pierced are showing that they can’t be trusted to plan for the future. They don’t care that their stupid choices will consign them to living off their parents for the rest of their lives: all they care about is theirindividuality.

Not only that, but girls with tattoos specifically have no idea that their cool designs will be destroyed by aging. Gravity and Father Time work their magic on us all, and your taut flesh will eventually sag and wrinkle like a raisin in the sun. A chick who can’t comprehend that the awesome Narnia scene tattooed on her back will look like Technicolor vomit when she’s 40 is too dumb to be the mother of your children.

3. They’re selfish

The reasons girls get tattoos and piercings—“I’m doing it for ME!”—are indicative of narcissism and mild psychopathy. Girls get tattoos for the same reasons they cut their hair short: a desperate attempt to assert how unique and special they are. A girl who willfully disfigures herself like this will never attempt to please you or do anything nice for you. She won’t care for you when you’re sick, will refuse to sleep with you for completely arbitrary reasons, and will generally be a moody, unlikable cunt.

4. They’re boring

Girls’ logic when it comes to tattoos is best described by paraphrasing Lena Dunham’s character in Girls: ”I have a tattoo, and that just makes me naturally interesting.” Nothing could be further from the truth. My experience shows me that girls with ink and/or metal are the most boring, conformist chicks you’ll ever come across. To be fair, most girls are dull as dirt, but tattooed and pierced girls are aggressively dull, assaulting you with the most hackneyed left-wing tripe you’ll ever hear.

My “piercing addict” girlfriend, for example, identified as a Marxist (I shit you not) based on one class she took on Latin America and was constantly talking my ear off about some “injustice” or another. The joke was that before she took that class, she was so tuned out to current events that she wasn’t even registered to vote. I derived incredible pleasure from shoving my cock in her mouth to shut her up.

5. They’re mentally ill

This is the clincher. Any girl who thinks that a getting a ring in her nose or a Bible verse on her back is a good idea is going to be off her rocker. In my entire life, I have never met an inked or pierced girl who wasn’t sick in the head, whether they had depression, “anxiety” or a full-blown personality disorder. While girls with facial piercings and tattoos on the arms or legs can at least feign normality, chicks with piercings or tattoos on or near their erogenous zones (breasts, labia, ass) are the kinds of broads who will cut you with a knife.

Going back to the “piercing addict,” she was a complete masochist who would burst into tears every time after we had sex, crying about how I wasn’t banging her hard enough. Another girlfriend of mine who had a tramp stamp was a full-on borderline, starting fights for no reason to try provoke me into hitting and slapping her. She also casually referred to black people with the n-word in mixed company despite being a racial minority herself. Both girls were absolute maniacs in the sack—we’re talking nails-digging-into-my-back kind of sex—but outside of the bedroom, they were one bad day from a complete breakdown.

The only good thing about tattoos and piercings is that they signal which girls you can bang with minimal effort. If you’re looking to make a girl wince during anal on the first date, pick the one with a tramp stamp or a tongue piercing. But if you’re looking for a girl you can wife up, go for the ones who haven’t mangled their bodies beyond repair.”

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Tattoos Sometimes Generate Attention

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Why do females with tattoos get a bad rap these days? They are associated with “don’t mess with me” bad ass chicks, trashy/skanky girls, and hippie-love-child wannabes. But what if you just want a damn tattoo? Personally, I thought long and hard about permanently tagging myself before I committed to it. There was so much to consider, tattoos being permanent and all, and the last thing I wanted was to regret it after the fact. A tattoo is something permanent when you’ve made a self-discovery, or something you’ve come to a conclusion about…and a strong reminder to live fully in the moment.

Let’s face the reality though, a tattoo on a female is judged differently than a tattoo on a male. But why? Have you ever thought why?  So, let’s break down the pros and cons of the commitment we call a tattoo.

It Will Be On You Forever

The bad: Obviously, a trademark of a tattoo is that it’s permanent, which is part of both its charm and its demise. I know a girl who got an enormous tattoo on her ribcage and half of her stomach. Let’s be real here, people are living pretty damn long these days, which means stupid adages to “live fast, die fun” will be stuck on their torsos for just as long.

The good: Some tattoos are chosen simply for their permanence, such as getting your significant other permanently scrolled across your arm to proclaim your everlasting love, or for someone you lost, a part of your heritage, or something that means a lot to you. If placed in a strategic location, who cares if something important to you is on you forever? That’s the point!

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It Will Generate Attention

The bad: Let’s face it, a lot of girls with tattoos are the same people who want people to look at them. Getting butterflies, flowers or dolphins inked in a visible location (i.e. lower back) is just begging guys to stare. Males and females alike will be judging her based on their own preference.

The good: Nothing screams “I am spontaneous and interesting” like a well-positioned, unique and understated tattoo. We humans are curious, we want to see and know everything.

It Is A Work Of Art

The bad: Apparently not all tattoo artists are on the same level. I know a few people who have received bad tattoos and deeply regret them. But even the best tattoos can bleed or fade, leaving your beautiful tattoo looking  like more of an eyesore than eye candy.

The good: We have to admire and love the freedom of expression. What many people forget is that tattooing is one of the oldest and most widely practiced forms of artwork. Also, tattooing an original design onto your body is an unparalleled mode of expression and can be liberating. The uniqueness and value you and others assign to tattoos is the only part that matters.

What Are Succubi? I’m Glad You Asked

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In ancient folklore traced back to medieval legend, a “succubus” is an enticing female or supernatural female entity that appears in dreams, who takes the form of a attractive human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. Religious traditions hold that regular sexual encounters with a succubus may result in the deterioration of the man’s health or even his death. In modern fictional representations, a succubus may or may not appear in dreams and is often depicted as a highly voluptuous seductress or enchantress; whereas, in the past, succubi were generally depicted as frightening and demonic. The word is derived from Late Latin succuba “strumpet” (from succubare “to lie under,” from sub- “under” and cubare “to lie”), used to describe the supernatural being as well. The word is first attested from 1387. And there is the short, Saturday morning version, history lesson boys and girls.