The Bane Of My Fucking Existence


Fall is in the air, and that means, once again, it’s that time of year when nothing is fucking safe from being pumpkinized. This year, the endless flurry of pumpkin-spice-flavored goods and seems to have gotten way the fuck out of hand. The popularity of Starbucks’ autumnally emblematic Pumpkin Spice Latte has ushered in an anything-goes mentality among marketing strategists, leaving grocery stores, restaurants, and retailers no choice but to pollute shelves and menus with pumpkin spiced bullshit that is truly boggling to the imagination.

But whether you like pumpkin or you’re simply addicted to corn syrup and pumpkin pie spice seems beside the point; there are certain things that are just better off free from the pumpkin tyranny. Seemingly everything gets sprinkled with a dose of the mysterious fall spice concoction so that it tastes just like a melted Yankee candle. Here is a collection of some of the stranger manifestations of the pumpkin craze being seen this season. Stock up while these last, because it’s only a matter of time before all the candy canes and “holiday spice” products take over.

01. Chobani Pumpkin Spice Yogurt
02. Planter’s Pumpkin Spice Almonds
03. Thomas’ Pumpkin Spice English Muffins
04. Green Mountain Coffee Pumpkin Spice K-Cups
05. Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms
06. Wrigley’s Extra Pumpkin spice gum
07. Lifeway Pumpkin Spice Kefir
08. Hershey’s Pumpkin Spice Kisses
09. Nonni’s Pumpkin Spice Biscotti
10. Eggo Pumpkin Spice Waffles
11. Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Spice Milano cookies
12. Spiced Pumpkin Pie Clif Bar
13. Pumpkin Spice Quaker Instant Oatmeal
14. Ghirardelli Pumpkin Spice Caramel Squares
15. Nestlé Toll House Pumpkin Spice Morsels
16. Philadelphia Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese
17. Pumpkin Spice Kahlua
18. Bailey’s Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer
19. Jet-Puffed Pumpkin Spice Marshmallows
20. Blue Diamond Pumpkin Spice Almonds
21. Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Spice Swirl Bread
22. Pumpkin Spice Oreos
23. Williams-Sonoma Spiced Pumpkin Seed Brittle
24. Republic of Tea Pumpkin Spice Black Tea
25. Siggi’s Pumpkin & Spice Skyr
26. Kashi Crunchy Pumpkin Spice Flax Granola Bars
27. Thomas’s Pumpkin Spice Bagels
28. Coffee-Mate Pumpkin Spice Creamer
29. Cedar’s Pumpkin Spice Hummus
30. So Delicious Dairy Free Pumpkin Spice Coconut Milk
31. Keebler Pumpkin Spice Fudge Stripes Cookies
32. Cosmos Creations Pumpkin Spice Popcorn
33. Pillsbury Pumpkin Spice Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls
34. Hostess Pumpkin Spice Cup Cakes
35. Kellogg’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats
36. JIF Pumpkin Pie Spice Peanut Butter Whipped Spread
37. Pumpkin Spice Peeps
38. Boom Chicka Pop Pumpkin Spice Kettle Corn
39. Nestle Toll House Pumpkin Spice Cookie Dough
40. Pumpkin Spice Pringles
41. Pumpkin Spice Jell-O Pudding
42. Pumpkin Spice Four Loko
43. Pumpkin Spice Country Crock Butter
44. Burnett’s Pumpkin Spice Vodka
45. Corsair Pumpkin Spice Moonshine
46. Silk Pumpkin Spice Soy Milk
47. Belvita Pumpkin Spice Cookies
48. Nature’s Promise Pumpkin Spice Chicken Sausage
49. Creative Snacks Co. Pumpkin Spice Yogurt Pretzels
50. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

As y’all can see y’all are some fucked up individuals if anything on this list looks appetizing. If y’all haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not a fan of pumpkin spiced anything! Use to be that I couldn’t wait for homemade pumpkin pie, but now the fucking smell gives me the dry heaves, thanks pumpkin spiced crazy ass motherfuckers for ruining a very fond childhood memory. Let this be just one additional reason I really hate fucking Starbucks! Those of y’all thinking this is a big list haven’t even seen the worst of this shit because I didn’t even include restaurant menu items or other retail goods. In the end, fuck pumpkin spice and all of you crazy motherfuckers who crave it like little crack addicts.