Speaking Of People Watching ……..

Okay boys and girls I have a little adventure to tell you about. Very recently I found myself at the mall with my wife, my birthday present to her was not actually a present, it was a trip to her favorite stores to pick out clothes she has wanted. The longer we are married the harder it is to get gifts for special occasions. Some of y’all might actually feel the same way, plus giving someone a gift blindly is very hit or miss, what they liked yesterday may have very well changed overnight. So, I have a bad habit, I don’t buy gifts, we go places or do something or in this case we made a special trip to the mall. In general, my wife was a little confused, for the first time I wasn’t clear about the budget, sure I had one in mind since going over the budget would have cut into the bill paying. Nevertheless, I told her that she had free reign, she knows the bank account and so forth and I knew she would “shop responsibly” in the end. Plus, as a direct bonus to me, I was there to help pick out new summer attire, that is if she actually buys anything. Usually, whether for work or for street clothes, I always get to go because she wants my “opinion”. Oh well, its just the way it is.

The first place she goes into is Victoria’s Secret, a store in my opinion which has gone seriously down hill because everything is geared toward the “teen” and everything has become tame and lame. I understand business, but I remember the Victoria’s Secret from back in the day when I was dating my ex, and it rivaled Fredrick’s of Hollywood at the time. So, the moral of the story is that if you want “trashy” lingerie you need to shop at Zone D Exotica or buy it online. How can a person buy lingerie, in general, online? Anyhow, we go in because she “needs” (wants) new bras and Victoria’s secret has convinced her over the years that she can only wear their brand bras because of her figure. At least that is the line I’ve heard from them and my wife repeat. Ok, she’s 5’2″, about 115#, where’s a size 2, and sports 36DDDs. I joked with her the other day because she was feeling her age, and in a complimentary fashion I mentioned that I haven’t noticed her age because the boobs are still rockin’ all on their own. She tells me one day they won’t be that way, yea, but that day is not today! In the store she picks out a few sets of varying colors, I know this because she tells me as we go along. I don’t personally care what they look like, however I don’t care for the padded ones since she doesn’t need help squishing the boobs out. I can always convince the employees that I need to be in the fitting room with her because she cant come out to show me and model the lingerie. In 17 years I have been told no only once, and that just turned into selfie after selfie after selfie. Other husbands sit outside, looking very uncomfortable sitting in the pink and white striped boudoir chair, holding her purse, and keeping the small children in line. So, we found one bra and panty set that she was happy with, she tried on 14 sets and some more singles. I’m not complaining, I enjoy the show, in fact I love the show, I was just saying. We wait in line, pay the $72.89, and we exit happily.

She wanted some new jean shorts, tank tops, and a new bikini. I don’t know that all of those things can be purchased in one store, but we were going to give it a shot. She likes Hollister so we started there, not my favorite store, clothes are more for the teen with an assload of daddy’s money. But, she likes their jeans and jean shorts. Being familiar with this store as she comes here allot, I know that when its time to try on everything that is there barely enough room for one person, so I know I will be riding the imitation plastic leather couch, holding her purse and the remainder of the clothes. How do you try on clothes in a 2’x2′ closet anyway? She was put in the room right by the end of the couch, I could touch the door handle I was so close. One thing I hate about this store is the over abuse of perfumes and colognes people wear in a confined space. Makes my eyes water, not good when I wear contacts. Reminds me of the VIP rooms at a strip club, mixed perfumes, mixed sweat in the chairs, spilled alcohol on the floor, it generally has such a musk that it reminds me of a funeral parlor where all of the older ladies feel they must bath in their preferred scent as if to compete with all of the others. I like a lite pleasant smell, one you don’t notice until you are close to the nape of the neck, y’all know what I’m talking about. Then, BOOM, she walks out in a pair of these jean shorts that are very tight, very short, yet still tasteful enough because her vagina isn’t eating them and spilling out the leg holes. Impressive! My wife does not get into the whole “if it zips it fits” craze. She prefers comfortably snug. She tries on a few more, same style, different colors, they all look fine enough to me, but that’s not the answer we are looking for and I know it, so I go for the white pair and the blue jean pair, both show off her tanned legs nicely. Holy fuck! Two pair of shorts were $93.89 and we still weren’t done, off to the Guess store, a personal favorite of mine.

The Guess store was an utter clusterfuck with the summer sale going on, shit everywhere it wasn’t supposed to be, employees talking and texting instead of helping people out. Luckily for us, the bathing suit section hadn’t been raped and ransacked yet, well not real bad in my opinion. She picks out three that she likes and one I was fond of because it was different. She hates all of them after trying them on, looking to old ladyish for her taste. At this point in time she talks me into driving to Galveston, about a 50 minute drive for us, to go suit shopping, she wants to go back to a place she bought hers for our trip to Florida a few years back. Sure, why not, I was done with the mall anyway. We load up her bags in the trunk of the Mustang and head to the Strand, a section of Galveston that has existed since the 1800s, now its mostly shops, bars, and restaurants. While driving through Houston in average Houston traffic, meaning it was steady and thick but moving at about 75mph, my wife slips off the jeans she is wearing, surprise for me, and slips on her new white shorts after cutting the tags off. I didn’t even see her bring them into the car. Ever want to make the women in the car next to you on the passenger side blush? Have your wife changing in the car doing 80 mph passing an SUV with the woman and her boys in the back seat gawking. We arrived safely to Galveston, park, pay, and off we are walking.

She spots a few tanks in the window of the surf shop we were walking by and pulls me inside to go check them out. She was looking for the kind one wears sans bra, its a special kind from what she tells me, got a liner in it so the person wearing it isn’t pointing at everyone looking like she is smuggling raisins. I’m good either way. This is a giant store, there are racks after racks after rack of bathing suits, even the female employees were wearing tiny little bikinis. I like this place already. It was amazing to watch the guys in the store that were there with their wives, girlfriends, friends, or significant others. While watching them watching the tiny bikini clad girls walk around, bending over with straight legs, and stretching to the point that the material of their tops was at the point of failing, which would be catastrophic, boobs everywhere if it happens., I noticed that they also were selling margaritas and daiquiris, bonus. Cheap as well, I don’t prefer frozen margaritas but two giant one’s served in a souvenir style cup with a really crazy straw was only eight bucks. I hand my wife hers and away we go to start the hunt. She picked out one style she liked, only one suit too, and without showing it to me on the hanger she disappears into the changing room. I meandered over, giving her time to wiggle out of her closes and wiggle back into the suit she is trying on. She pulls the curtain back far enough for me to tie the strings on the back for her. She closes the curtain, and we know why, she needs the time to “adjust” everything so there is nothing hanging out that shouldn’t be. The curtain rips open! There she stands, my tanned wife in a white bikini, she is looking slick, she spins in the mirrors outside the changing room, and I guess she decides she is not liking it after all. I’m instructed to stand there and guard her “stuff” while she gets another. Remember I was talking about the guys in the store, well, they aren’t shy about staring, not even a little subtle, but then again, I was pleasantly watching her walk away as well. I see an employee, half her age, helping her out, pointing around and so forth, and then my wife returns. I was told she didn’t care for the first one, the bottoms felt like they were sliding inside her and she feared a very revealing cameltoe. So, she explained she was looking for “cunt huggers” not “cunt eaters” like the one she just tried on. She gets a dirty potty mouth at all the appropriate times, but I saw her point, trust me. She finds one that makes her happy, I never got to see it either, I was told it will be a surprise. While doing a secret check out, hiding it all from me, the same employee who was helping her began talking with my wife again. Apparently she is the manager of the store and thinks my wife has some talents that she would like to employ. Yes, she offered her a job on the weekends. The pay wasn’t bad, $20 an hour plus tips, part time, no benefits, but 80% of clothing in the store as long as she was an employee. Also, she would be able to use my veteran’s discount for an additional 10% off. My wife is actually considering it, she thinks it will be fun, she likes the uniform, and she thinks she would be a help to the older crowd who are a bit shyer in their needs. She has to call her by this Friday afternoon if she wants to give it a shot this weekend.

So now we walk around some more, stopping in at many more island shops, drinking many more margaritas, and finally we got back in the car, not to go home, but to head to the seawall to park so we could go walk the beach for a while. There was a beautiful sunset, we watched the sun slowly but surely descend into the depths of the horizon. Feeling hungry we walked over to a seafood place, I cant remember the name tho for some reason, but we went in, it was very laid back, had classic rock playing relatively load, but it was the coziness of it that made it a cool environment. We ordered, we ate, we talked, talked allot about this summer and what we wanted to do, we are going to San Antonio for the 4th of July weekend, which I already knew, since it is going to be my father’s day present from the kids. To sum it all up, it was nice to go out alone with my wife, something that is very rare anymore, but this is something we both committed to change starting right then. Fine with me, that’s why I married her, to spend time with her, to be able to do things together. There are many more reasons of course, but we wanted a life together to do things together. Also, we discussed the upcoming concerts for the rest of the year, told me to pick three or four so we could go. Has my wife received a headwound? She is volunteering to see rock concerts? Nice. I mentioned our vacation to Florida two years ago, I was doing something with the kids and I get a text from my wife with this picture attached, asking me if I would join her on the beach for a walk. What do y’all think my answer was?

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I Do Really Hate Getting Caught

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I do really hate getting caught, especially when what I was doing wasn’t actually wrong or Illegal. But, as it stands, last night I got caught getting my tips from the club last week ready to go to the bank so I could pay some bills today or tomorrow. I will explain the money part of that in a bit because I know someone is going to ask about it. So, yesterday evening all the kids were gone, dinner was on the grill, and I remembered I needed to go to the bank. Now, I don’t keep secrets about money from my wife, she knows I make a decent amount in tips bartending. She knows I also get a paycheck, she knows I’m a 10-99 employee as well which means we save 20% of my earnings to pay Uncle Sam in January. What she has yet to figure out is why a bartender in a full nude strip club is paid what I get paid. But, the money is the reason I am there. I can’t help it I am able to negotiate what my time and services are worth. A while back, when I started back, I agreed to work Wednesday and Thursday nights, roughly 30 hours between the two days, for $1200.00 since I knew I would be paying my own taxes.

Plus, as bartender I keep ALL of my tips, but I also get 5% of the tips to the waitresses, and 1% of the tips from the dancers. Doesn’t sound like much does it? The stack of money on the table represents my tips plus the additional tip outs from the dancers and waitresses. The bundles are $100.00 if you are counting. Since I report and pay taxes on this as well, it all stays well documented. Which, is what I was doing last night when my wife came strolling into the dining room, home early from work. She had a surprised look on her face, like I just showed her a sasquatch body laying on the table after varmint hunting. Needless to say, she wasn’t ever aware that at anytime during the week there is a similar amount of money tucked away in the safe. Then the conversation got ugly. Supposedly I am hiding it from her because she has been unaware. I tried to explain it all goes to our joint checking account, minus what goes to a separate joint savings account for taxes. Still not believing me I had to get my tablet so we could explore the last few months of Wells Fargo deposits. A new bit of information came to light that I was unaware of, she doesn’t pay attention to the account balances. How the hell not? Well, seems that since I have always been the monthly bill payer that I would let her know if there is a problem so she never worried about it.

Yet, I am the one being told I’m hiding money from her. I still can’t wrap my head around it because it seems like a bizarre way of thinking. Then, this morning it hits me, its because I am the man and she is the woman, therefore I am automatically wrong. But, I have a frugal wife, she is not a spend-o-holic, she believes, as I do, that we will want to take trips, pay for college, and still one day retire. So, I have no complaints in that department. No other department either really, perhaps the jumping to conclusions part, but we argue and communicate very well with each other. In the end, we spent a few hours in the hot tub drinking margaritas and not talking about work, money, or our worries. We just sat there butt-ass naked enjoying each other’s company under the partly cloudy sky listening to the hum of the margarita machine churning out the next batch. All and all, after dinner, the hot tub, and the excellent margaritas, we went to bed with smiles on our faces. She mentioned this morning that I’m still an asshole but she still loves me.

On This Day In 1968……….

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…………… there was a baby boy born to a mother who would never see him, never hold him, and never be a part of his life. It was on this day that this baby boy was giving the chance to live a life. It was on this day that a boy took in his first breath and was given the beginning of the rest of his life. I am thankful everyday for that first breath I was granted the opportunity to take. Look at it like this, she could have swallowed, he could have pulled out, or she could have aborted her pregnancy at any time. Luckily, she chose the adoption option and soon after the world was granted the opportunity to witness my presence. You see, we are all equally lucky. So, enough of the heavy shit everyone has heard before. I am here because she made the right choice back in 1968.

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I will be the first person to admit that I’m the person y’all hear about that is so hard to buy birthday presents for. Why? Simply because I don’t ask for anything, ever. Why? Because if I want something I save up for it and go buy it. Generally it isn’t for my self tho, it’s usually for other people. I don’t buy my self much. When I ask for something it is utilitarian, like underwear, socks, and stuff like that. After having the same cell phone for 4 years I finally upgraded and replaced it will a fancy new one. I did this a week or so ago, my own birthday present to myself and I said it just like that. I told my wife and kids that I would buy my own present this year so don’t bother. You know women tho, they rarely listen when the man is talking….. lol.

Somewhere during the course of the last year I mentioned two things “in passing”, meaning it was random and out of the blue, which were that I wanted to pick up the new KISS Monster cd, yes I wrote cd, I like cds. The other thing was a tablet because my laptop crapped out and I don’t want to spend the money to get another one, so a tablet seemed reasonable. But, like life itself, other expenses always come first because the cost of “living” is sometimes more than I bring home. So, as mentioned, they were fleeting comments not really meant to be taken as a hint or anything. But, my wife and kids took note, because like I said, I don’t generally ask for stuff, I just get it when I want it. In the end I was happily surprised and really glad they were paying attention because I had completely forgot about both of them.

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Unfortunately I’m working today (right now to be exact) but I will be heading home later tonight and that will be perfect. I will be cooking my own dinner, grilling actually, since when asked what I wanted I wanted steaks. So, my mother-out-law provided me with steaks, potatoes, and some tequila for me to use tonight. The tequila will be for margaritas by the way. After we eat I plan on soaking my bones in the hot tub, rain or no rain, matters not to me, I like to relax and soak my bones. Today I work (or do this) and when I get off the party will just get kicked off. Hell, what am I saying, I live like it’s my birthday everyday. My kids tell me it is a special day to celebrate. I always reply that I celebrate the start of every day with that first recognizable breath, it’s a beautiful day each time I wake up. I won’t deny I’m lucky to be here, but aren’t we all.

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The Texas Renaissance Festival 2013

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My wife and I were given tickets to go visit “The Texas Renaissance Festival 2013” by my cousin who has been a renaissance enthusiast for over 20 years. In the beginning she a mere fan, but that developed into being at least 6 months of the year preparing the nine weekends the festival runs out in Plantersville Texas. Ellen (my cousin), in my opinion, has let this lifestyle really consume her life. So much so that her twin son and daughter are as heavily involved as she is. But, she is very fun to be around. If you are trying to pick her out of the crowd in the picture above she is the one on the horse.

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Ellen, who is 44 (maybe she won’t kill me for revealing that fact) is the single mother of twins, Eric & Erin. Eric is in the picture above, third one in on the left side (with his hands in his pockets), is part of the all boys choir and has been performing at the Renaissance Festival since he was like 10, he is now 22. Erin, she is a different kind of performer all together (pictured below), she doesn’t a walking performance handling her python. As a note to long time readers, you will recall right at two years ago that my female python gave birth to a good-sized clutch and Erin ended up with five of them. In fact, one of the “babies” is her favorite and is the one she walks around with. She has been doing things with snakes since she was 10 as well, who is coincidently 22 as well now.

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Now, I haven’t been to the Renaissance Festival for many years, in fact I was a senior in high school the last time I had been out there. So, it’s been a few years. When my cousin called me up  and asked if we wanted to go (her treat), my wife was all over the idea because she has never been. We have never been since we have been married because I’m a cheap bastard and never wanted to spend the $26 per person admission (off site price, $36 at the entrance) because in my opinion nothing really stood out to me that I needed to see again. But, free is a good price.  We picked this past weekend for two reasons, first being I felt my foot would be healed enough to walk around and second it was the pirate themed weekend of the festival. No, we did not dress up. Why? long story short, I don’t dress up to go out into public. Strangely enough, we were on the low-end of people making this particular choice as 80% of the people or more did dress up. So, in a way, we were the freaks that got gawked at. I actually took many pictures throughout the day and night but most of them can’t be shown here because they are really racy. My wife would point and I would take the pictures. We made a good team. This was the ideal place to be an avid people watcher without a doubt, especially after the sun went down. After the sun goes down the inhibitions of many of the people also were lowered, which might have had allot to do with alcohol and the different things I saw being passed around, which the nose confirms as a very familiar and distinctive scent. Whoever coined the phrase “the freaks come out at night” was dead on.

Before it got altogether dark we sat to watch a “period band” perform (below) while we enjoyed our giant turkey leg dinner. We weren’t really paying attention until the “tone” of the music changed. Out of the blue we hear their rendition of the song “Jump Around” (Cypress Hill) full on with bag pipes and heavy drums. It was strange to watch and stranger to hear. That song was followed up by “Sail” (Awolnation) which blew away any acoustic version I have ever heard before. Now these boys had my attention for a while. We enjoyed some other songs performed and then it was their break time and oddly enough, it was time for another margarita for me and the wife. After reloading with margaritas we set off walking again. People watching at a freak show is hard for someone like me who suffers from short-term attention span syndrome. We only thought that everyone was scantily clad during the day, we were wrong. by 10pm it was a skinfest competition and there was allot of skin to say the very least. I will leave it there so you can use you own imaginations.

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In the end, we had fun in our own little way. We walked allot, we drank a fair amount of margaritas, we didn’t buy one souvenir (bonus), not even something for the kiddos. We went into every shop they had to offer it seems and we saw some really cool shit to say the least, but nothing I couldn’t live without. I think picking the pirate themed weekend was a good choice on our part, we like pirates. However, my wife did ask if we could go again next year since she really enjoyed our day out together with no kids. Next year, if I were to make a bet on it, will be my wife dressing up to enjoy the day. Should be interesting if it all works out her way. She knows I won’t dress up, I have my own personal hang ups I know. We did see a fair amount of kids out there of all ages, tagging along with the parents, however, I wouldn’t recommend it after dark because the party gets a little dirty. Most parents saw this as the opportunity to head home which I thought was a good choice, and had my kids been with me I would have done the same thing. This is pretty much an adult themed place for adults because once you walk through the gates all the “normal” rules in life get tossed right out the window. Reminded me of being back in college for some reason. For those of y’all who have never been then you should try it out. The weather was perfect in my opinion for a day out at the Texas Renaissance Festival and we are glad we took up my cousin on her generosity, thanks Ellen.

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As a housekeeping note I need to let y’all know that the Texas Renaissance Festival graphic and the pirate flag graphic were borrowed from the Internet using a Google search. Both images are assumed free to use for the public. If otherwise is known please let me know. The other 4 photos were taken by me using my Motorola Droid Maxx, the top three are of people in my family and the last of a band that was playing some pretty cool music. My personal pictures are not for re-use or re-post and were taken for the sole purpose of this particular post. I hope y’all enjoy looking at them but please do NOT share them. I hope y’all have enjoyed my attempt at showing a little bit of the Texas Renaissance Festival.