Try Not Fucking All Of This Shit Up


I keep seeing all these fucking cooking posts where people try too fucking hard to pan sear fucking steaks but fuck it all up, it’s fucking simple, so fucking pay close attention. Go to the fucking grocery store and buy fucking steak. Yes, the fucking grocery store, a little ammonia isn’t going to kill you, don’t be a pussy. You want to be all fucking fancy, fucking grass fed, and environmentally conscious, go the fuck ahead. I really don’t give two shits about it. Just be sure to get fucking ribeye steak, it fucking turns out the best. Be sure and buy it with the fucking bone in, don’t be a dumbfuck. Now, take the fucking steak home. Get a bigass fucking frying pan out and put that shit on the stovetop, crank up the fucking heat as high as that motherfucker will go. Take a shit-ton of rocksalt, yes rocksalt you dumbfuck, none of that fine ground table bullshit salt, and toss that shit all over the bottom of the fucking frying pan. When the frying pan is hot as all fuck, it should scortch the the shit out of your fucking finger if you were stupid enough to touch it, put the fucking steak in the fucking pan right now. You can crack some fucking pepper on top of the steak as you hear the sizzle of the fucking bottom of the steak searing. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT even attempt to sprinkle onion powder or garlic powder or immafuckingtation butter flavoring on this fucking steak assholes, just keep it the fuck away, trust me. This is a fucking steak assholes, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a short bit, 2 1/2 minutes for good and pink or 5 minutes for cooked the fuck through, flip that shit over and do the exact fucking thing you just did to the other fucking side. I.e. just sit on your fucking ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, try not to be a useless assbag and fuck this up. When you’re fucking done just slap that shit on a plate. And, hopefully you weren’t so stupid you didn’t make some kind of potatoes, any kind of fucking potatoes, because fucking steak gets eaten with fucking potatoes. If you want to be frisky, pour yourself a Jack straight the fuck up, nice and fucking neat. Now eat your perfectly seared fucking steak while it’s still hot. Don’t piss me off again and make me come and smack the fucking shit out of you! Hopefully you learned how NOT to ever fuck up steak ever again. Remember this fucking way and you’ll never be disappointed ever again.