Where Not To Find Relationship Advice

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No, I am not a relationship expert. No, I am not going to give y’all relationship advice. No, I am not trying to confuse you. I personally hate hearing relationship advice and I don’t give it because I don’t know what is rattling around in another fucker’s skull. With that being said, I got a rather lengthy e-mail from my #1 hater (fan/stalker) explaining how I can have a better relationship with my wife since I’m such an asshole. I won’t glorify her ignorance of my marriage by sitting examples but it made me sit down and think of the top five (5) people nobody should take serious relationship advice from. Finding people to give you advice on relationships is like finding people who want a free lunch; everyone has something to say about relationships just like everyone likes a great free lunch. Some of this advice is good and should be filed away in your subconscious for safekeeping, but most relationship advice isn’t so fucking good and should be taken the same way you’d take an article written for international woman’s magazines, with an enormous grain of salt. I don’t think it’s not that people intend to give shitty advice on relationships, rather, the advice is poor because the people who are giving it are either not qualified or they have ulterior motives. With that being said, there are five people (or types of people) you should stay away from when the advice on relationships starts flying.

1. Any and all television personalities. It’s important to remember that they are, above all, entertainerss with that being their number one goal, to enyertain. Entertainers care about their ratings, not about your relationship. If you’re looking at these shows as a model of relationship behavior, you’re barking up the wrong tree so much that you’re not even in the right forest. So while these shows and these people may occasionally offer a pearl of wisdom, remember that it’s Hollywood.

2. Your never-married aunt is another person whose advice on relationships is best to avoid at all costs. People who have never married often can’t help but harbor a certain essence of bitterness or misplaced desires. This isn’t to say that every single person in the world is bitter, but many who have dated for years and never gotten the ultimate reward are like professional athletes who have never won a championship: they are bitter about their lack of a ring.

3. Your seven-times married aunt is one more person you should avoid getting relationship advice from. On the opposite side of those who’ve never married are those who change spouses like most people change cars; when their husband gets too many miles, they trade him in for a younger model. These people can also be bitter because even though they have married, they haven’t done it successfully. But the biggest reason not to seek out their advice for relationships has to do with them not really knowing how to make a relationship actually work.

4. Your ex, never trust your ex to give sound relationship advice. Logic tells us that an ex might have insightful advice that you can truly use. They know you, they know what went wrong, and they know what you could have done to make your relationship work. Logic tells us this, but human behavior tells us the opposite. If you and your ex are truly friends (and don’t just pretend to be in front of the children), no longer harboring any feelings for one another, then an ex might actually be your relationship guru. But if your ex has feelings for you at all, be it love, anger, or hatred, they may purposely sabotage you instead of helping you. Sometimes, it’s just too big of a risk to take. Plus, isn’t that person you ex for one or more reasons?

5. And for the love of whatever diety you pray to, do not take relationship advuce from any comment sections of the internet or from unsolicited e-mails. I was once told that the internet can be a wonderful place for advice on relationships, but it has to be the right area of the internet. What is the “right” area of the internet? Should we just Google it?  The comment section of web articles is not a good place to get advice on relationships or anything else. These sections are filled with baiters whose main goal is to get a rise out of people. They do this through racist, sexist, homophobic, religious,  and other offensive comments. They cause people to do two things, lose faith in the happily ever after, and lose faith in humanity in general.

Which is why y’all are here, right? Expecting me to drop a pearl of wisdom by accident? Well, don’t feel fucking stupid or misled, I mentioned at the beginning this was to help shed light (both serious & funny) on some of the people we might have in our lives. Want my advice? Do whatever works for you and piss on everything else. The end, that’s all the advice I have. As well, that is the only advice I will ever need. My relationship may not look perfect to you but it works perfectly for us.

Where Is The Best Friend Line Drawn?

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Greetings Scorpion Sting –

I hope you can use this story somewhere on your blog. I have been wanting to send you my story for sometime now, pretty much since I stumbled onto your blog a few long months ago. Mine is a lifetime story which I will tell in a short version because it all cumulates into one weekend which has changed my life personally forever. I will start with the two gorgeous women in the pictures I sent you. We, the three of us, have been friends since we were thrown together to play in diapers at daycare. We are all three generally the same age, all birthdays are in the same month, August, and we all just recently turned 21 at one giant birthday party out in the country by a local lake. I will use our nicknames we have always went by as I describe who we are to you. The blonde has always been known as Thing One and the brunette as Thing Two, and as you may be thinking, that leaves me as The Cat (as in The Cat In The Hat). Why? As toddlers we would get into mischievous troubles and since I was the boy in the madness I was always blamed somehow for orchestrating it all. We would continue to be this threesome throughout our school years, except our mischievous nature grew much more intense. Especially in high school where Thing One and Two decided to really blossom. They would get both wanted and unwanted attention from quite a few of the high school boys. We grew up like brothers and sisters for the most part. All of doing our own stuff but always being involved in each others stuff. It was a weird relationship I never realized was that way until we got older. All I can tell you is this, we did most everything together because we were always together. In fact, we all started working at the same place right out of high school up until just recently for me as I have quit, we’ll get to that.

Now, for the purpose of this story to you and your readers, our 21st birthday party. Thing Two’s parents have been in the process of clearing some land at a local lake so they could build their retirement home since all of their children are out and on their own. They wanted to downsize but still have the room for everyone to get together. Since there was now access to the lake they thought it was the perfect place for is to gather for the birthday party with all of our friends. Now, I have seen them in bikinis before, I have seen them naked their entire lives, hell when we were younger we bathed together, but when they came slinking out of the tent together on that fateful day my jaw absolutely dropped to the dirt. I was experiencing rushes of blood allover my body that I have never felt before with Thing One and Thing Two. As the day drew on we all drank way to much and many things got out of hand, things were said that maybe should have never been said out loud, much less even thought of. As day turned into night my lust for them grew in intensity and finally the awkwardness broke for all three of us. I was standing alone watching them dance, shake, and party for some time now, finally it took its toll. These two slinked over to me and pointed down to my shorts and asked if that was for them. Embarrassed, I tried to walk away in silence but they grabbed my arms and told me we needed to have a serious talk about what was happening. Talk? There was nothing to say. After a bit of embarrassment I was escorted by them out to have a seat by the raging campfire. While we sat there drinking, eating s’mores, and cussing like sailors I noticed they were acting differently, they were full on flirting with me in front of everyone there. It increased in intensity once they began touching me places in ways that, until that day, never considered, but was enjoying it more than I tried to let on. Before long the party would break up and everybody except us three left. We laid out a they laid out a blanket in front of the logs we had been sitting on around the fire and had a seat where I was instructed to follow suit. Sitting between them now, I was being bombarded with questions, mostly they wanted to know how many times before I watched them in the shadows with an erection. Then, out of the wild blue came the confession from them that changed our friendship forever. They explained that for years they have been attracted to me me but always felt I didn’t feel the same way so they never acted on their feelings. What? I was in total disbelief. To this day I do not believe it went down the way it did. It wasn’t possible.

Then Thing Two said she had a plan and announced to me how things were about to happen. I could not believe my ears and certainly was not believing my eyes. First they both helped me stand where one pulled my shirt off and the other pulled my shorts off. I was harder than I had ever been in my entire life, it was almost painful. They sat me down, kissing on me as I sat, and then told me to get ready. Before my eyes they began stripping each other, caressing each other, and kissing each other all over their bodies. I could not believe what I was witnessing. After what seemed a lifetime they came over to me, slid me down so I was laying on my back. I was to told to close my eyes because we we going to play a game now. Then I felt something being wrapped around my head, I was being blind folded. Then, in the came of the night, I felt the warmth and wetness of one of them sliding down my erection. After a few up and down deep glides I was asked who I thought it was, Thing One or Thing Two. I don’t know, how in the fuck am I supposed to know. Then, I was released from her clutches and I felt the tender warmth of a tongue licking away all of the juices left behind. Again, I was asked, who did I think it was. Again, I have no idea in the world. As great as this should be I am becoming very frustrated with both of them. Then it began, in silence one mounted me again, this was the other one, I could tell. Just as soon as she began motioning up and down the other decided to sit on my face and grind until I gave in and enjoyed both rides. They would switch back and forth, each time it got more violent and more aggressive. Before long I was ready, somehow they knew, the both quickly jumped off and began to suck me, I could feel both mouths, both sets of teeth, band north of the hands. Then, with out warning I exploded, it was like a volcano you see erupting on TV, I just kept going for what seemed to be an eternity. Moments later my blindfold was removed and when I got them into focus I saw that both of them had been covered in the eruption. I giggled at first and then they asked, in unison, if it was worth the wait. Well, fuck yeah. Except I didn’t know I was waiting form this day to come. After a quick dip in the lake to clean up we all returned to the fire to get dressed. The sun was coming up, and I can see now why Thing Two’s  parents chose this spot, it is beautiful.

Nothing was really said while we cleaned up so we could leave. The drive back to drop them off bat their apartment was creepy quiet. We said our goodbyes and mentioned we would see each other on Monday for work. I never showed up to work. I have not returned calls or texts. I haven’t been answering the door either. After about a month I broke down and went over to their place. I wanted to talk and I was told there wasn’t anything to say, things will be as they always have been, we will all three be and remain absolute best friends forever. What happened did because it needed to happen I was told, I can live with that.

A note from Scorpion Sting. As moderator of the content on this bog this is normally where I would add my own commentary but I have made the choice to just leave this one be. I will ask tho, where does the best friend line get drawn?

Dealing With Difficult People In Your Life

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I have spent a considerable amount of time, which I sort of consider to be wasted time now, either dealing with difficult people or wondering what is the best way(s) to actually deal with the difficult people I encounter in my daily life. I have spent much quality time being a “people watcher” for many reasons. No, I do not have aspirations of being a great “people whisperer” but I have found that observation and silence are tools that give proven results in my life. Maybe you experience them as well. First, I had to be able to recognize the different kinds of difficult people. Second, I had to develop questions to ask myself about how I wanted to best deal with the difficult people I have in my life. Third, I had to learn different strategies to help me interact with the difficult people in my life. So, I was reading some things I wrote over time which have really been just “notes to self”. I started writing my questions, methods, answers, and strategies down back when I was in the Air Force since I learned that just because I perceived a person as difficult didn’t actually mean that person was difficult. These observations have grown year to year, job to job, marriage to marriage, and as I have aged or matured. So lets begin.

Do you recognize any of these 9 types of people?

  • The Know-It-Alls – They are the arrogant and always have an opinion on every single subject. When they are wrong they get very defensive.
  • The Passives – These are the people who never have an opinion and never offer a clue to where they stand.
  • The Dictators – These people are constantly demanding and are overly brutally critical of others. They enjoy being the intimidating bully.
  • The “Yes” People – These people will agree to everything and rarely follow through with any commitment they make. You learn fast that you cannot trust them.
  • The “No” People – These are the inflexible people who are very quick to point out why something is wrong and show negativity towards making something work,
  • The Gripers – They prefer complaining instead of finding solution because nothing is ever “right” for them to begin with.
  • The Extremely Religious – This person has an extreme and unconditional approach with life and people. These are the people who fear their God(s) in such a way they feel they must spread the fear with every word they speak to anyone that will listen.
  • The Bullshitter – They are the habitual liars who are habitually undependable in every aspect of their own being.
  • The Fucktard – This is an extraordinarily stupid individual who is so willing to disregard all common sense. They are obviously oblivious to everything about everything in every way. This is a person of unbelievable, inexcusable and indescribable stupidity.

Now, I know damn well you recognize each and every one of the people listed above. I know, also, that this is a pretty short list, more “types” can be added of course, as well as sub-categorized. Being able to notice people is the key. These are the people you live with, work with, rely on, and communicate with on a daily basis. Once you recognize what kind of person they are you can develop a strategy to quickly, confidently, and effectively deal with every kind of difficult person. It’s actually easier than it sounds.

Ask yourself the following 20 questions:

  1. Do you want to be able to understand the difficult people in your life?
  2. Do you want to learn how they think, what they fear, and why they do what they do?
  3. Do you want the ability to understand how to make dealing with them less frustrating?
  4. Would you like to know specifically what to do and say in every difficult situation?
  5. Would you like to be less of a target for the difficult people in your life?
  6. Would you like to be able to derail difficult people and teach them to treat you with respect?
  7. Do you want to bring out the best or worst in people?
  8. Did you know that difficult people are not difficult people all the time?
  9. Do you want to know what makes a difficult person tick?
  10. Do you want to know why complainers are complaining?
  11. Would you like to know how to get people to keep their word to you?
  12. Would you like to be able to respond to those who practice one-upmanship?
  13. Want to react better when you are being yelled at?
  14. Is it possible to be in sync with a difficult person and get along?
  15. Do you wish you reacted better when you are criticized unfairly?
  16. Do you know when to back down or to hold your ground?
  17. What do you do with excuse makers and blamers in your life?
  18. Do you wish people didn’t or couldn’t push your “buttons”?
  19. Can you give an aggressive person an alternative direction to the aggression and conflict?
  20. Did you know that specific “body language” is a more powerful tool than actual words.

In the end I think everyone gets tired of over-blown promises that turn out to just be an empty bucket. You can take control. You can be in charge. You can own what you think and break out of the bad habits that you have created or that have been created by others. Are you one of the 9 types of people I listed? Oddly enough most people are a collective of many types based on the people that surround them. Over time your actions, voice, and personality will become contagious to those who are around you. Toxic people become less of a threat once you understand what makes them the way they are. There are many factors to understanding others and most often begins with understanding oneself first. It is hard to heal a wound that cannot be seen. Now, I know you are waiting for the “punch-line” or the “answer” and unfortunately I don’t have either to offer. I can, however, offer unsolicited advice which shows that tact and skill in handling difficult people become very enviable traits in a person. Changing your ways will be something that is noticed immediately and at that point you have balanced the playing field. Once you realize your own person power over difficult people your confidence in any situation will become one of your best traits. If you take nothing more away from this information just remember to just smile at a difficult person because it will throw them off guard because they will spend endless amounts of time wondering why you are smiling at them. Meanwhile they tend to forget why they were being difficult and often dismiss themselves from the conversation or situation. Personally, I know I can defuse any difficult person by doing two simple things, being silent and smiling. It works.