Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don’t talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don’t work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor – pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That’s MY shit.
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us…
Commercialism: Let’s package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let’s bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit IS.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: >KnockKnock< Shit happens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah’s Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can’t believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Narcisism: I am the shit!
And of course we must add…Alcoholics Anonymous: Where shit happens one day at a time.
On a personal note, I didn’t make up this fantastic list. The above list was shared with me by my father who had it shared to him from my oldest daughter who had it shared to her from one of her cousins. So, you can see shit finally happened, rolled up and down mountains and hills, went to 13 states that I know about, 39 people that I am aware of, and the buck stopped in my inbox. Or did it? I send this shitty list on another shitty trip today as I am releasing it back into the black abyss of the internet where I’m sure it started out long ago. So, please enjoy this shit I share with y’all and each one of y’all has your own opportunity to make shit happen someplace else. (S.S.)
Someone sneaks up behind someone trying to be quiet so they don’t get startled while operating a table saw. This picture was taken roughly 4 hours ago after 30 minutes of a great bleed. So what happened? Well, I was trimming a piece of oak that is being used on a cabinet project, on my table saw. My family knows not to interrupt me when power tools are in operations. Just come in, sit down, and wait til I am done. However, this morning, my wife, who was on her way to work, chose to stand behind me and peek at what I was doing. Well, you know the creepy feeling you get when you sense a presence behind you? Mine kicked into hyperdrive to say the very least. When I jumped slightly, the tip of my thumb grazed the blade. Yes, I am lucky I didn’t lose a finger.
So, now I turn to my wife as I turn off the saw, unaware I cut my thumb yet, as my wife has a very horrified look in her face because its squirting blood all over the floor. She just pointed, she was in shock, all she could do is just point while she stood there with her mouth wide open. I grabbed a towel and wrapped my thumb in it, unaware of what was going on, just wanted to get pressure on it to stop the bleeding. At this point my wife, very apologetic like, tells me she is very sorry, and she just knew I was about to come completely unglued because she broke a very important shop safety rule. Did I? Nope. She said she was just looking at what I was doing and didn’t want any saw dust in her, so she stood behind me quietly. After a few minutes I took a peak, I already knew it wasn’t that bad, in fact it didn’t actually hurt, just had a weird tingling feeling. But, it was still dripping blood pretty heavy. I gave my wife a kiss and sent her to work. Once the bleeding stopped, as y’all can see, it just took a very small chunk out of the tip.
The only reason I can guess I bled so much is because my blood pressure medication has a blood thinner in it. Who knows. I do know that it is my texting/typing thumb and it has a numbish feeling I noticed as I am pecking away right now. My wife has called a dozen or so times today, checking in on me, apologing repeatedly, telling me she will never make the same mistake ever again. Just chock this one up in the shit happens category because that is just what it is. It could have been worse so I am just thankful it was just a graze. Anyway, just wanted to share my little funny ha ha y’all and let you see that all it takes is a slight distraction for all hell to break loose. Y’all are now free to carry on with your day.
Not the way you remember hearing the old saying? It’s my twist because it makes more sense to me, plus I could really give a shit if I have good neighbors or not. Mine know I don’t want them in or around my yard. For the newbies reading here today, my house sits on 11.93 acres of land somewhere way outside the city of Houston. Now, we live in what’s called an “acreage neighborhood” where all the homes sit on a few acres. Just so happens that when I bought my “lot” that I bought the two lots available to the left and the one lot available to the right. Why? Because I wanted my neighbors to have to put some work into it when they would choose to be nosey. After almost 10 years I would say the experimental theory has been a success because I barely know my neighbors, just the damn way I like it. Within the almost 12 acres there is a roughly 4 acre pond which was dug so I could build up where my house would be built, as well as level out what would become my yard. Also, there is 3ish acres of a densely wooded area which butts up to a feeder creek off of the San Jacinto river. Everything else is mowed as my yard and has a wooden fence around it.
Well, after the storm last night I found a tree had fallen on a section of my wooden fence way in the backyard. This explained why the breaker for the electric circuit had been tripped. Yes, it’s a partially electrified fence. Why? To keep the criiters, varmints, and the neighbors dogs from digging under the fence and getting into my yard. Don’t worry, out in this area its only putting out about 2000 volts. But, the tree seems to have damaged the line by completing the circuit, hence tripping the breaker. At least the mystery is solved, I figured I would find a dead animal of sorts out in the back, not a tree on the fence. Since I located this so late in the afternoon all I really felt like doing was exactly what I did, take a picture of it, well, actually about a dozen. Why? I needed them to show to the insurance company to show the damage. The adjustor will be out Monday morning to make a report so I can’t touch it until afterwards. If it were endangering life or property then I can, but its just a fence so I was told to wait. Waiting is not something I am good at, especially when there is so much work to do. Meanwhile, the neighbor on that side figured out I was back there and decided he wanted to have a 30 minute chat about absolutely nothing, in fact I don’t even remember as I sit here writing this.
When I tell my wife what had happened and what went on with the insurance she went off on one of her tangents and wants me to look into having the tree removed by someone and the fence repaired by someone. She didn’t ask when I would be taking care of it, she wanted to know when someone else was going to do it. There will be nobody else doing any of it because I want to do it. Plus, I have the kids to help me out, so it will be fine. On top of that, I finally got my favorite tool on the planet running again after it died on me back in March, I thought it was really dead, but it runs like a screaming chainsaw banshee now. So I’m good to go. Y’all were aware that every man has his favorite tool? My dad’s is a 50 year old flathead screwdriver, my son’s is an old roofing hammer, mine is, well, mine is the fine machine pictured below, its probably the most useful and versatile tool I have ever owned. Next week I put it to the test, next week I will see if bringing it back to life was worth it, next week the chips will fly. Fuck calling a tree removal company, fuck someone else fixing my fence, I will do it my way. My wife knows this already, she was just trying to be cute and see if she could ruffle a few feathers. The adventure never ends in our marriage, but that is life as well, shit happens, we could cry about it or take care of it. Some of us know the right answer, the others call a tree removal company.