What Were These People Smoking?

This Entire Album Can Be Listened To @ Metal Injection

Really, I try not to judge people’s bad decisions. But when you dream something up that is this fucked up you go straight to the top of my Fucktard list. Everyone has an opinion about Michael Jackson, everything from a gifted artist to a pedophilic sexual predator. In my own opinion these guys really crossed the line with this tribute. Therefore, I will show you the album cover and I will provide you the link to the Metal Injection website so you can listen for yourselves. You will never see Michael Jackson anything ever on my blogs ever again, this will be the first and last time. The only reason you get it today is because it is just that fucked up. What in the fuck were these people smoking when they dreamed this bullshit up? That is all, back to what you were doing.

Alien Humor

Rub It Before You Smoke It

Before I actually get started I would just like to remind everyone that y’all will be reading about the butchering, preparation, smoking, and consumption of a pig. So, if eating meat or reading about meat is offensive to someone this would be the place to turn around and exit. For everyone else, follow me and let’s see if I can sort all of this out for you. Doing this post was actually not planned however I was asked to do a post on this subject since I knew what I would be doing this Memorial Day weekend well in advance. Otherwise, this probably would never have happened for you to see. Let me start by saying that the pig involved was butcher house slaughtered and then purchased by my dad somewhere in Katy Texas. My dad is old school when it comes to cooking outdoors, he prefers an open fire pit which no matter where he has lived we have always dug out and built up. Oddly enough, I didn’t actually learn to much of anything about cooking/smoking/grilling from my dad. There is an exception tho, growing up I was exposed to it by him on a regular basis, however, in his words, “smokin’ is for adults” and I was barely allowed to watch anything. So, I learned most of what I know as I traveled the world. However, in the last ten years, my dad and I have gotten kinda close and therefore things we like to do sort of overlap. In the end, we have been able to show each other new tricks and twists in the way we cook. That goes in many directions tho, as y’all have read here before, we build and remodel quite a bit together as well. So, lets get this ball rolling so I can explain what the hell happened.

 

As mentioned, there was a considerable amount of preparation that took place before this pig ever hit the pit. Unfortunately, I don’t have actual recipes for everything I will be discussing, but I have faith in the cooks out there that they will understand and be able to duplicate it if they choose. First of all, there was a two step preparation to the pig, an all over injection and all over rub. What can I say, I like deep, deep flavor, flavor beyond the smoke, flavor that goes down to the bones. We will need to talk about the dehydration of some things first. As always I will let you know you are free to Google things that I tell you to because the process is too long and sidetracks the conversation. With that being said, I had to prepare my personal pork meat rub. It’s tried and true, yet very time consuming to prepare because of dehydrating the tequila. Yes, you heard me, I use a meat (jerky) dehydrator and I essentially “crystallize” or “powder” tequila. I am sure there is a scientific term for it but I have no idea what it is. What I can tell y’all is that I started with two 750ml bottles of Jose Cuervo Silver tequila and after dehydration it yields just under 4 cups. Sounds like allot of work but there is plenty to keep doing for that 5 hour process. Other ingredients in my rub include, but are not limited to, cayenne, habenaro, chiles, lime rind, orange rine, salt, pepper, and some chili powder. All ingredients are ground together with in a pestle until it has the consistency of fine grain sugar or somewhere close. I also do an injectible where pretty much every inch gets a deep flavor injection so there is flavor to the bone. Using four 750ml bottles of Jose Cuervo Silver tequila and a handful of hydrated spices the mixture becomes a slurry about the consistency of cough syrup. Some of the items used are salt, pepper, habenaro, lemon juice, lime juice, orange juice, Tabasco sauce, and some liquid smoke. Before this pig gets the rub down of a lifetime it gets injected with my concoction from head to toe.

After it has been injected and rubbed down it needs to rest for a few days in a refrigerator or in a freezer set in the 50’s F. In my case, I did all the prep work of the injection and rub the weekend before and then prepared the meat Thursday night. After that it sat until early, early Monday morning where it was placed on the open pit for 14 hours. It was cooked at an average temperature between 225F to 255F the entire pre-dawn and well into late morning. Other than flipping this pig every 4 hours nothing else was added as far as seasonings. I used a combination of two woods for this smoke, Hickory and Red Oak. I like allot of rich smoke which in turn penetrates deep into the carcass and makes the meat fall off the bones every time. If you have never open pit smoked anything then you don’t know what you are missing. However, I understand great food isn’t for every person’s taste because that is just life sometimes.

I mentioned this entire ordeal was completed at my parents house for the Memorial Day holiday. In addition to my family, my parents, both sisters with kids, a family my parents are friends with next door to them, we also had some yankees (northerners) that were in town on a break from RV’ing and also friends of my parents. In the area of the United States we live, southeast Texas, sites like this are fairly common. But, as I was informed, the yankees found it to be a ghastly site and in all their years of life and travels  have never seen anybody pit smoke an entire pig in their backyard before. Well, Welcome to Texas you traveling yankees. Their tune changed after they began eating and then the smiles were everywhere. I still don’t know if it were all the margaritas they were drinking or if they actually liked the smoked pig. Matters not to me actually because I really only about one person liking what I cook and that person is me.

 

Overall it was a fabulous weekend and holiday to spend with friends and family. We had allot of great food as well, we could have easily fed 10 more adults. Luckily, we had no injuries and no mishaps occur so that was a total bonus. I got a little sunburned according to my wife but as I looked this morning I didn’t see anything and neither did I because that is just how I tan. I am tired tho, I slept very little this past weekend and I am definitely feeling it today. As summer comes into full play now y’all can expect to see more of me smoking it up and so forth. Anybody wishing to have more details on my methods, ingredients, or additional information can comment on this post or e-mail me and I will see what I can do to accommodate those requests. Until next time……………

 

Bacon Wrapped Kickin’ Smoked Rabbit

I recently found myself wanting rabbit. Rabbit isn’t a complicated meat to cook and there is a variety of ways to prepare and cook it. Since I tend to smoke, roast, or grill any meat cooked at my house, I chose that I wanted to get some rabbit ready for smoking. Before I begin I will tell all of you that the rabbits used to make this meal were killed by me, field dressed by me, later skinned by me, and eventually placed in my freezer by me. The rabbits were killed using a bow and arrow by me and my son on my property in late January this year. I have learned that killing and immediately eating the rabbits causes mass shrinkage to the meat, about 40% is lost due to shrinkage. However, if you dress and skin the rabbit and place it in the refrigerator for 48 hours it lets the muscles relax resulting in very little shrinkage, about 5% or less. I chose to freeze mine since I wasn’t in the mood to eat rabbit at the given time. I will assume if you are interested in preparing this recipe that you have knowledge in prepping whole animals or can adapt to get the end result.

 

With that being said, I will explain the brine I used and how to make that. For those of you who cook game or fresh kill animals I don’t need to explain that the meat must rest for at least 48 hours in the refrigerator before it can be used to reduce the shrinkage of the meat. I used the meat from three rabbits, meaning 6 straps and 6 rear legs, all cut into 6oz pieces or somewhere close.

 

Brine

 

2 cups real maple syrup

2 cups Southern Comfort whiskey

1 cup juice fresh squeezed from oranges

1/4 cup Tabasco Sauce (original)

1/4 cup Habanero peppers (finely chopped)

1/8 cup coarse sea salt

 

Whisk all the ingredients together until it is very smooth. Set aside.

 

 With the next step of preparation you will need slab bacon. I use slab bacon because of the amount of fat it contains because it keeps the meat tender and juicy. Slice the slab of bacon into pieces just under 1/4″ thick. Now, take each piece of rabbit and completely wrap it in bacon and secure the bacon to the rabbit using toothpicks. After all the rabbit has been wrapped in bacon, begin placing it in the brine, making sure to completely cover each piece. Once all the rabbit is in the brine, place in the refrigerator for 2 hours to let the meat rest and absorb the brine. I prepared mine the day before giving it about a 21 hour soak.

I personally used my medium sized smoker. I pre-soaked my wood in a watery mixture that contained salt, pepper, Southern Comfort, lime juice, and some maple syrup. After my fire reached around 480F I let it cool slowly to around 240F and then placed in the wet wood which brought my temperature down to 180F. Place the bacon wrapped rabbit on the smoker with about 1/2″ between the pieces for best smoke penetration. Now, don’t touch it for 2 to 2 1/4 hours. Don’t even look at it. There is no need to open the smoker to check on the progress, it is doing just fine on it’s own. After the time is up the bacon wrapped rabbit should be dark and smokey. Remove it from the smoker and serve with whatever you choose, you had plenty of time to make side dishes.

 

I hope you enjoy this recipe. If you do not have rabbit available, squirrel or chicken can be substituted as the meat choice. Let me know what y’all think. If you have any questions please free to ask me here or e-mail me. Just use something that refers to the rabbit recipe in the subject line.

What Has The World Come To?

Those of y’all know me know that I grill food and smoke food on a regular basis. I take pride in the fact that over the years I have become quite good at it. That’s nog bragging, it’s just the facts based on everyone always comes back for seconds, thirds, or forths and are very disappointed when they find out I will not be cooking. I have a way with meat, it’s an art, even better one might even call it a gift. I have spent the better part of my life perfecting cooking meat on a grill or smoker, I have allot of time and money invested into something I love to do. Which, in the end, is why I generally don’t mind cooking the meat(s) for family get togethers, when we camp, when friends get together, or even at work when we have company parties two or three times a year. What can I say, I trust me when it comes to the preparation, cooking, and final consumption of the meat. Call it vain, call it conceded, one might even consider me kinda anal, but there is a right way to grill or smoke and then there is the wrong way. I pride myself on the simple fact that I have never received a complaint and I always get asked to come back to do it again. But, enough about me. I just thought a little background was in hand before I went on to explain that I was in charge of the grilling this past Saturday for one of my nieces 4th birthday. How could I ever say no to that?

 

After I got my charcoal going, let it burn down, and adding my wood chunks soaked in a secret blend of concontion, I was ready to let it rip. My wife brought me the platters of meat, yes platters, we were feeding some 25 adults and just as many kids, we were going to have a little bit of everything. We had 100% all beef hamburgers, 100% all beef hot dogs, bonless pork chops (thick cut), some of my home made venison sausage, of course we had some gator tail, and some venison flanks I had left over. Yes, it was going to be a small feast. I began laying out my spread of meat, adding a light dust of seasoning, closed the lid and listened to the meat sizzle. Meanwhile, I had to assist in putting up an air inflatable jump castle that the kids (and adults) were begging me to get up so they could all jump and play. I must say that this jump casle was the absolute best $300.00 investment I have ever picked up at a garage sale. Y’all might not understand, it’s a 20 ft x 20 ft jump castle, it’s huge and loads of fun for all ages. When I got done my wife was walking up to me holding the box I have pictured above and wanted me to slap it on the grill when I got a chance. WTF? Who in the hell brings veggie burgers to a meatfeast? I honestly think I broke out in cold sweats for fear that someone was going to see me sneak one of these veggie burgers onto a grill loaded with all of this fine meat. I wanted to cry. I was ashamed of myself that I was actually considering complying with this wacko request. Yes, I was a little emotional, my feelings were actually hurt I think. I couldn’t believe I was about to open my grill and insult all the other meats.

 

Needless to say, I opened the box, I opened the sealed plastic bag, and removed one perfectly formed 2.5 oz oddly colored patty. Now, I know this is supposed to mimic the look of a hamburger patty, but damn, it didn’t even look like meat or anything I would ever put in my mouth, and trust me when I say I have tried many strange things to eat from all over the world. Then, I made a hole on the grill and slapped it down. It didn’t even sizzle! It never sizzed! I am thinking the world has finally come to the absolute end and my grill will never be the same. I feel a power washing coming on in the near future. I have had this particular grill for 25 years and I have never threatened it with the power washer ever before, I should be ashamed of myself I know. I let it “cook” to the desired temperature as it stated on the box, 160 F. To top it all off I was even asked to put this special cheese on it. I know I shouldn’t have been shocked, but there was nothing cheese related about this sad slice of cheese. I know, I shouldn’t bitch about these things, and I am almost done. Amazingly enough, it was all placed on a breadless bun, go figure. The rest of my meat was done at about the same time so I pulled it all off and put that on big platters as well. I took it inside and all the wolves came at me for the first sight of this mega meatfeast. What can I say, I aim to please, and everyone was pleased.

 

One final note. I’m not knocking the vegan lifestyle. It’s just not my style. I respect a person that can change from being a born carnivore into a reborn vegan. Again, I like meat way to much to even attempt to notice the notion that there is meat alternitives out there. I refuse to admit that people are happy not eating meat. Call me wrong, call me bad names, whatever, but y’all will never convince me that I can get the taste of a bloody steak from something artificial. And, no, I am not willing to let you attempt to prove me wrong either. To each his own or “a chacun le sien” as my high school French teacher used to tell me. I have spoke to many family members, people I have worked with, and friends who have given up meat and dairy in my interest to find out more about that lifestyle. I can’t say I am willing to make the change. Why, you ask? It’s just not something I am remotely interested in attempting. I meant what I said, if people wish to live this lifestyle I have no problem and I won’t jusdge, just don’t ask me to ever grill it for you. The thought of that still gives me goose bumps up and down my spine. In the end everything works out I suppose, everyone goes home happy, and I will still look forward to my next time in front of the grill, I can hear the meat sizzling already.

If You’re Smoking….

Thumper, Bambi, Porky, and Rocky

Originally Published To: Hate Mail on 23 March 2013

I find it amazing that people live such sheltered lives. I find it amazing that those people living in their sheltered lives that they feel they must condemn the things which they know nothing about. I’m not going to lie to you, I knew when I started posting about stalking animals, killing animals, skinning animals, and then cooking those animals, that I was going to get allot of flak for it. After posting “Bacon Wrapped Kicken’ Smoked Rabbit” the flood of e-mails and messages began to pour in. It would appear that I’m a cold hearted bastard for killing and eating Thumper, Bambi, Porky, and Rocky. This made me think, this made me wonder what kind of people read my blog, and this made me wonder why people get so upset with the way I get my groceries. Understandably I know that I live in a place where the “wildlife” is hunted and eventually eaten. I also understand that this isn’t the way everybody lives their life for a million and one reasons. Yes, I pick at the “city folks” because it actually humors me that so many people think meat just appears in their local supermarkets and they have absolutely no idea that the animals that end up in the meat department were breed and slaughtered for profit. But, this seems to be okay with them. What seems to not be okay is when a hunter makes a kill and puts that meat on his table. I have made it no secret that over 90% of the meat consumed in my house was killed by me. Why is this a problem?

From what I gather in the babbling e-mails I get about how inhumane what I do to be is that there is an absolute lack of understanding, education, and individuals that have either been brainwashed too much or individuals who have a closed mind which choose to attack that which they know zero about. Yes, I do find it funny and quite humorous that people want to bitch at me because I am cruel to animals in their eyes. Cruel to animals? I have been hunting since I was seven years old. I was taught to hunt by my dad. I was taught never to kill an animal unless I was going to eat it. Granted, it is a nice thought but doesn’t always happen. I have had to kill snakes, bats, and other nuisance critters that I never ate because I wasn’t hunting them, I was defending something or eliminating the nuisance form places I did not want them. I have been clear over the years that I enjoy using Mother Nature’s pantry to put food on my table. This seems to be a problem because I don’t buy everything we eat at the supermarket. It’s bizarre to me that people take such a stance against me and hunting in general. I will never apologize for being a hunter and eating what I stalk and kill. It just happens to be my way of life. If it is not your way of life so be it. I will continue to write about what I do in my life and that will never change.

Now, if I have just enraged you or just totally pissed you off, good, you deserve to be offended and pissed off. It;s high time that the whiny jack asses realize that they do not run my life or what I write on my blog. I will make anyone out there an across the board deal. You provide me with all the meat I provide my family for an entire year and I will not only not hunt that year, I will also not write about how I cook the meat. Deal? I offered this up a few years ago and all the pussy big mouths decided to go all out and shut their mouths. For those of you who think I am a danger because I teach my family how to hunt and survive in the wilderness you too can piss up a rope. I will not expect my kids to learn everything from the television as many of the pussys who read here must do. There is life outside your living room and beyond your couch. Put down the freakin’ remote, your cell phone, and your lap top and just go outside and see what you are missing. Hunting isn’t for everyone, I know this already, but buying everything at the supermarket or at a restaurant isn’t for everyone either. I expect to keep getting bullshit e-mails and post comments about what a bad person I am. It’s fine, I am good with your silly nonsense and ramblings. As always, the best advice I can give to anyone who is offended with the contents of my blog, is just to move along and don’t read what I have written. Our opinions will always differ since we life differently. I am beginning to believe what my wife has been telling me for years and that is that people will always try to shit on a parade they weren’t invited to. It is all beginning to make sense to me know.

Giving Thoughts To Being A Quitter

A few nights ago I had a dream that I am going to have a hard time explaining. I don’t know if it was exactly about quitting my smoking habit I have had since 1985. Some of it had to do with conversations my wife and I have been having about quitting. Why thinking of quitting now? Well, my wife was recently diagnosed with a degenerative heart valve disease that I wont even try to misspell here, I can’t say it much less remember how to spell it. Anyway, part of the protocol is to quit smoking, part of it is now diet, and then of course medication. Surgery is inevitable and will be happening in a few months where they will open her up and replace 2 valves on her heart and repair what appears to be some stroke damage. Now, my wife is in her early 30’s so this all comes as a pretty big surprise and deals a crushing blow to her and and to us.So, since she is in the process of quitting, she thought it would be nice if I went ahead and quit smoking also. Really? I have never attempted to even think about quitting. Come to find out, it is a complex choice to make and I feel quite unmotivated. It was easy for my wife, she as been looking for a reason for years, now she has one with grand motivation. She has gone from a pack a day to just 2 cigarettes a day, sometimes 3. But, she has been doing it and is working on this last little bump. My family is not quiet about what they think about my quitting accomplishments, which are nil. Which makes me feel like shit, because I have pushed my wife hard to stick to her regiment on a daily basis. I was always the cook in the house, and that has not changed, I just cook differently for her now. Sadly, the rest of us have only given up a few things and she has given up everything she has ever known. I need her to succeed.So, back to this dream. I had this dream and then found the picture above by accident while looking for something else. I died in my dream. I watched my own funeral. I watched as the the Air Force funeral detail discharged a 21 gun salute. I watched my children cry, my wife cry, and my family all cry. I listened to the kind words being said by my children. Then, my casket lowered as I watched, different flowers dropped on top, and finally they filled in the hole as everyone walked away. It was never stated what killed me, I only assume it was smoking. I was allowed to watch them for the remainder of the day, and then I started walking down a path in the woods somewhere, which is where I woke up.

I haven’t talked with my wife about this dream, I don’t think I plan on talking about it with her, I think it will be my secret. I fear her dying and leaving me alone, I have never looked at it the other way around. I am sure the doctors will get her heart fixed and she will move on from all of this, for this I hope and put my faith in the doctors to do their job and do it right. My dream deeply disturbed me. Maybe it was my brains way of giving me motivation. I have never dreamed of my own death, nor my own funeral, so after processing I will have to come to some form of conclusions.