Fucking People Make It Complicated

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The first question I fucking have is why do fucking people make it complicated? It’s easy to not fuck up the food you cook, it’s easy as hell if you just pay fucking attention. Y’all know I spend a great deal of time reading other people’s blogs. Y’all know I usually don’t fucking comment because people have said I drop too many fucking f-bombs. Probably some truth in there some where I’m sure. I visit a few handfuls of what I will call cooking lifestyle blogs, they range from gourmet to trashcan grilling and most things in between. I noticed a fucking trend I really don’t fucking like, across the board, but I saved my bitching and moaning for my own fucking blog because, well, that’s how I fucking am. If y’all have taken the time to read my last post you’ll see I demonstrated the right way to pan sear a fucking steak, but it goes deeper than that, much much deeper. I had read a few posts about doing a fucking gourmet pan seared steak. I must ask, what in the fuck are you people trying to do to me? Putting all this bullshit on your meat and you’ll never fucking taste the meat, just your bullshit. So, I got to thinking, eventhough I can be considered nothing more than an average cook who learned to cook by standing next to real humans, I still know that one needs practice. Food is judged by it’s fucking taste morons, even if it looks like a pile of shit, if it tastes good I’m going to eat it. But it seems like everyone is in some kind of fucking cooking competition, got to Tweet that shit, got to Pin that shit, and even Share that shit. Looks can be very deceiving, anyone can polish a turd for a fucking picture, but will you eat it?

Okay, I’ll agree there are many fantastic cooks out in the world, and your food is making people fat and happy. But, who are these motherfuckers who watch the cable food channels and surf the internet who all of a sudden are culinary experts? Y’all know who I’m talking about, we all have them in our families and lives, hell I’m probably pissing one of them off right now. With two big cooking holidays coming up fast we all know there are those people’s food we won’t fucking touch because it fucking sucks. Why? Because they can’t cook that’s why! Oh, but they try, right? Wrong! Copying something from Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, or wherever the fuck else does NOT make you a fucking cook, really it doesn’t. But does this stop them from posting on their blogs? No. Does this stop them from inflicting their unimaginable culinary disasters on friends and family? No. If you can’t cook just own the shit out of that, you can never fake fucking steak, never.

So, what am I doing here? I’m trying to tug at your heart strings in hopes that one day soon we will be rid of the wannabe cooks. I pride myself self on the fact that I cook what I know how to cook, I grill in a way that food is edible, and I smoke meats in ways that will make you want to dry hump my leg with excitement. However, I’m a down home simple ingredients kind of cook. I do NOT bury the flavor of what I’m cooking in other bullshit, I’m simple in my methods. I have taught an ex-wife to cook, my wife to cook (in different ways, she’s a bad ass cook already), and all three of my kids to cook. Why? Because if we’re going to eat we might as well fucking enjoy the way it tastes. Right or wrong? But, my soon to be married 19 year old daughter has been exploring the cooking shows and scouring the internet for recipes to try. She can’t figure out why she doesn’t like the way the food tastes. My answer? You need to fucking practice, practice allot, make changes, own that shit until you can do it blindfolded, without the recipe card, and where it comes out delicious every single time. Me, I don’t have any recipes written down anywhere, but I do try to accurately share proportions when prompted, but I doubt it’s ever exact. An example, search my blog for details, I make what I call Diablo Scorpion Chili on a regular basis because my wife, her friends at work, and family can’t ever get enough of this high heat colon cleansing chili. It has been made the same way since I dreamed that shit up some 25 years ago to enter into a chili cook off. Not to brag, but best in heat, best in flavor, and best appearance tells me it might be good, don’t change a fucking thing.

But I do more, I even share with pictures here on occasion, people actually write to me thanking me because it all tasted as described. Why? Because I don’t do all the bullshit, basic is the best flavoring. Anyway, my question still remains, why do people try to “fake it” on the internet? People try their recipes I’m sure, as I have, and most times I’m not impressed. I’m no expert when it comes to cooking, but I don’t get complaints either. My fucking wish I have for people learning to cook or wanting to learn something new is to spend time with other humans, whether it is family or friends, and be shown in person how to make a recipe work. Let’s face it, if it looks pretty but tastes like shit then you have failed. My family knows I don’t mind eating the ugly mistakes if they taste great. Our daily food consumption should be eating simple meals, inexpensive meals, and meals we want to eat. I like to try new things too, but some science experiments are best left to the experts and that for fucking sure is not me. So the next time you get a wild hair up your ass, try making something new, posting it online, just make sure it fucking tastes awesome. If not, its pretty hard to fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just keep that in mind. I hope we all learned something today, if so there is hope for us humans, if not we’re all fucking doomed.

Try Not Fucking All Of This Shit Up

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I keep seeing all these fucking cooking posts where people try too fucking hard to pan sear fucking steaks but fuck it all up, it’s fucking simple, so fucking pay close attention. Go to the fucking grocery store and buy fucking steak. Yes, the fucking grocery store, a little ammonia isn’t going to kill you, don’t be a pussy. You want to be all fucking fancy, fucking grass fed, and environmentally conscious, go the fuck ahead. I really don’t give two shits about it. Just be sure to get fucking ribeye steak, it fucking turns out the best. Be sure and buy it with the fucking bone in, don’t be a dumbfuck. Now, take the fucking steak home. Get a bigass fucking frying pan out and put that shit on the stovetop, crank up the fucking heat as high as that motherfucker will go. Take a shit-ton of rocksalt, yes rocksalt you dumbfuck, none of that fine ground table bullshit salt, and toss that shit all over the bottom of the fucking frying pan. When the frying pan is hot as all fuck, it should scortch the the shit out of your fucking finger if you were stupid enough to touch it, put the fucking steak in the fucking pan right now. You can crack some fucking pepper on top of the steak as you hear the sizzle of the fucking bottom of the steak searing. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT even attempt to sprinkle onion powder or garlic powder or immafuckingtation butter flavoring on this fucking steak assholes, just keep it the fuck away, trust me. This is a fucking steak assholes, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a short bit, 2 1/2 minutes for good and pink or 5 minutes for cooked the fuck through, flip that shit over and do the exact fucking thing you just did to the other fucking side. I.e. just sit on your fucking ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, try not to be a useless assbag and fuck this up. When you’re fucking done just slap that shit on a plate. And, hopefully you weren’t so stupid you didn’t make some kind of potatoes, any kind of fucking potatoes, because fucking steak gets eaten with fucking potatoes. If you want to be frisky, pour yourself a Jack straight the fuck up, nice and fucking neat. Now eat your perfectly seared fucking steak while it’s still hot. Don’t piss me off again and make me come and smack the fucking shit out of you! Hopefully you learned how NOT to ever fuck up steak ever again. Remember this fucking way and you’ll never be disappointed ever again.

Even More Goodies From My Daughter

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Also included in my little care package were two packs of pepper seeds, she says I can grow these alongside the rest of my “heat” and thinks they will be a fine addition to my Ghost Peppers, Habaneros, Tobascos, and Jalapeños that I already successfully grow. So, my new ones to try are the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Pepper and the Trinidad Scorpion Pepper. I’ve looked into these peppers, they pack a little heat to say the least. Well, I am always looking for more heat to add to my chili, my salsa, and my own version of hot sauce. We’ll talk about those another time. Anyway, I need to successfully grow these two new peppers first, the we can decide how I will cook with them.

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Bulleit Bourbon Bleu Cheese Overly Stuffed Burger Insanity

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Every once in a while I like to share the preparation of something I really enjoy making, and in my own opinion, tastes great. Tonight I made what I call “Bulleit Bourbon Bleu Cheese Overly Stuffed Burger Insanity” and here is what is involved. Just remember, y’all will always have the choice to use your own imagination to stuff your own meat mountains like y’all want. My method is simple here and actually results in something to eat on a bun or on it’s own, your choice entirely.

To begin with, line 9″ X 13″ cookie sheet with wax or parchment paper and then spread 5 pounds of uncooked lean ground beef across the span of cookie sheet.  Spread the meat as thick or thin as you like, keeping in mind that this thickness will more than double once stuffed and folded.

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Spread stuffing ingredients over 1/2 of the pressed out slab of beef. In this case, I used a sauce I created using Bulleit Bourbon, bleu cheese and green olives. See the end of the post for the sauce ingredients if y’all are interested.

From the end with no ingredients, carefully lift wax paper and burger to fold over the top of the ingredient side. Once folded, pinch edges to hold ingredients into the loaf.  With a pizza cutter, square out portions as desired.  Depending on your ingredients, you may or may not want to pinch off edges of each patty.  Personally, I like the dripping edge on the burgers but that’s just the choice I have always made.

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Get creative with your stuffing ingredients and try different combinations over time. Use different cheese, add vegetables, hash browns, pizza style stuffings, taco style stuffings, BBQ style, Asian style, breakfast style. This ain’t BK, make it YOUR way!

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Here we have the stuffed burgers still on the grill.  Nice, big plump, and very juicy burgers that never made it into a bun!  These came out very huge, like a kind of stuffed meatloaf of sorts. As y’all can see, portioning the ingredients while setting the ingredients would make a cleaner burger but I like this wall to wall stuffed burger way. I chose to top the well stuffed burgers with bacon and baby swiss cheese to bring all the vast and tasty flavors together in unity.

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As far as the sauce goes, put 1/5 of the bottle of bourbon with 1 1/2 cup diced fresh tomatoes, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 tbsp Tabasco sauce, 1 tbsp worchestershire sauce, 1 cup fresh orange juice, 1 tbsp lime juice, 1 whole medium jalapeño, salt and black pepper to taste into the blender and puree until creamy. Remaining sauce can be used to glaze while grilling or dipping when dining.

Does This Information Help Y’all?

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Beef Stew: Scorpion Sting’s Way

 

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I know when we are heading into summer that most of us are not thinking about a hearty bowl of beef stew. However, for myself, it sounded like a meal I was craving. I only make this a few times a year, this is a bonus time. Plus, I needed to make some room in my deep freezer and when I did I found a beautiful 4 pound rump roast. I knew what I was making right then and there. The particular recipe I am sharing today will feed 5 comfortably with left overs of about 2-3 servings. I have no doubt that the cooks reading this post can reduce or increase the serving size based on the mouths they are feeding. As y’all can see, mine is being cooked in a large size slow cooker.

Now, I do something special just with my meat that I have not heard of others doing. After I dice or cube the meat I put it in a bowl and pour in enough red wine to cover the meat completely. I mix it up in the wine assuring total coverage, then cover, and place it in the refrigerator for 24 hours. After 24 hours 90% of the liquid will absord into the meat. Why? Because it makes the meat tender and I like tender meat. Note, one can skip this step but it really makes a difference in the taste and texture of the meat. Now, the recipe.

Beef Stew

  • 4 lbs of beef rump roast, 1″ cubes
  • 3 tsp Worcestershire sauce
  • 3/4 cup flour
  • 3 tsp salt
  • 1 1/2 tsp pepper
  • 2 tsp paprika
  • 3 cups beef broth
  • 1 minced garlic clove
  • 3 bay leaves
  • 1 lbs carrot chips
  • 4 lbs potatoes, peeled, 1″ cubes
  • 1 tbs onion powder
  • 1 tbs celery salt

Drain the meat, catch the fluid in a large mixing bowl. Place meat in slow cooker. Mix everything except bay leaves and vegetables into the fluid you drained from the meat. After mixing well it should look like a smooth very thin brown gravy. Pour entire mixture over the meat, add potatoes and carrots, stir well coating everything. Even out to sitting level in the slow cooker, place in 3 bay leaves, place on lid, turn on low for 10-12 hours. Avoid removing lid to sniff or stir for the first 8 hours minimum. In a rush? Then this stew is not for you. Got the time to set it and forget it? Then you have found a winning recipe in my opinion. The 10-12 hour cooking time is tried and true with me and has never let me down.

The only thing left to do is serve it and enjoy.

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The Man Behind Colorblind Eyes

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This morning I was doing something I rarely like doing myself because there is always a risk of mistakes being made. Typically I try to never attempt to identify colors unless I have someone close to confirm or deny my observations. However, today I about screwed the pooch because I forget I am one impatient son of a bitch. I sit here now, outside my shop, smoking a few cigarettes, reflecting on my mistake. Mistake? What mistake? Well, let’s start from the beginning, that will probably be the easiest for y’all to follow. The other day I fried (cooked off) the circuit board which controlled the propane release actuators for my pit smoker. Meaning, it developed an electrical short which resulted in catching the electronic starter box to burst into flames. As a result, the controls were literally fried. Since I built it originally I decided to start over and make it again. I had a few ideas that would improve its functions by updating the style if relays and timers being used. I had all the parts, all recycled from other things which have been recently scrapped, such as an old deep fryer and thermostat. I had already removed the steel box from the smoker and gutted everything that was charred, which was absolutely everything.

I was supposed to wait til tonite to have my 12 y/o son help me out because he wanted yo learn how to soder circuit boards and make permenant wire connections. But……………. I am an impatient man. I don’t like waiting. Plus, I needed to test out my new design to see if it will work and function. Then tonight I would let him make me a pretty box. So, that was the plan anyway. The layout took about ten minutes, the assembly took about ten minutes, and soldering took about ten minutes. This is a 12 volt system using a deep cycle marine battery. It also required heavier gauged wire to carry the load but also serves as better insulation against the high heat the assembly is exposed to. Time to test. Ready. Set. Go. Press the button. Nothing happened. Its dead to the world. Then I notice the assembly wasn’t grounded so I grab the wire and attached it to my metal table which is earth grounded outside. Take two. Now leaning on the table to view the operation I push the button once again. Then, instant pain. FUCK THAT HURTS! After I stopped jumping around in pure pain, after I could focus my vision again, after I wiped away my tears, I see I use a live wire to ground it all out resulting in an electrical charge being applied to the metal table which I was meaning on with bare skin. Did I mention how bad that fucking hurts?

After some minor wire changes it was retested and now works flawlessly. Later I will tweak the arrangement a little and let it sit until my son gets home from school. Because now I think I will just sit here. Its nice the tingling has stopped or I may have had problems writing all of this down. Its a nice day too, so maybe I will have a swim in the pond, or maybe just sit here in my old blue rocker where its safe.