Sometimes The Gift Bites Back

My recently married daughter and her husband have a habit of just picking up trinkets and t-shirts from gift shops when they are out tooling around in different places. Last night being no different, after a day spent in Old Town Spring, Texas going to shops and finally to dinner they returned knocking on the door to give me a surprise. Knowing I will try just about anything with some heat they believed they found the perfect gift for me.

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So now that you have looked at the picture I’m going to write out the label that can’t really be seen in it’s entirety. I warn you now that the language is quite colorful and might offend those of y’all who are sensitive to this kind of thing. But you know me, I like to share the things I find somewhat twisted and very interesting. The label reads as follows.

“We warned you. This is a seriously fuckin’ hot sauce. That’s right we said it — because we had to. There is no other way to describe just how hot this sauce is. I suppose we could have said “it’s like the fiery depths of Hell” or “that it’s ass-burning” and even “keep away from pets and small children and avoid contact with sensitive areas”, but that just seems so wordy. The sauce is hot as fuck! Succinct, to the point — no beating around the bush! Honesty is always the best policy, isn’t it? If this sauce burns intensely, don’t be afraid to let it out. Scream fuck at the top of your lungs. You’ll feel better. There is no better verbal therapy.”

Let me also include the short list of ingredients in case y’all can’t see them that great. They include habanero peppers, african oleoresin, scotch bonnet peppers, salt, onion, vegetable oil, acetic acid, garlic, and xanthan gum.

Here’s the big question y’all are begging to ask me, is it fucking hot? Not to deter from the awesome label and product description, but it was an average heat for a hot sauce. With that being said, I must admit I’m a bit jaded when it comes to heat. I grow, process, and consume a variety of insanely hot peppers down to the common pepper for flavoring bland food. What I really liked was it’s bold flavoring and the way it cinged my nose hair a bit when taking a deep sniff. However, for the rookies and amateurs it just might be a bit over the top. The average Joe might not want to toss the wings in this sauce and serve it up to family, I’m just saying.

My question to all of y’all out there would be, what do you find to be too fucking hot to consume?

My Battle With The Dartmoor Devil

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Last night the time finally came to do the deed of tasting the Dartmoor Devil white chocolate. I waited until everyone was home so we could all have a sample of what the Devil white chocolate had to offer. After close examination of the packaging I realized it was sealed very tight. Normally one can smell chocolate through the wrapper but this wrapper was different, it was sealed plastic. With my family watching I was able to open the packaging with out destroying it all. We were, however, not going to consume the entire candy bar. After I opened the wrapper I became very worried, the chocolate still had no smell. At first I was hesitant when breaking off pieces for everyone to sample. I broke off four pieces, all about the size of my pinkie finger nail.

I gave everyone their piece, counted down from three, and in our mouths the chocolate went. The chocolate gives you just enough time to realize it has really good flavor and the stinging began which was followed by the burn and before we knew it we had broke out into a full blown sweat. Noticeably my eyes began to tear up as I watched the reactions of everyone else. We all were feeling the same pain. As the burn sets in your nose begins to drip a bit as well. I think the aftermath was the funniest. My daughter and son grabbed ice cold bottled water to extinguish their flames which worked about as well as putting water on a grease fire, it just spreads it. My wife went for trusty glass of sweat tea and it had little impact for her as well. I poured a glass of milk, drank it, problem solved.

To answer the question if it is hot or not because I know that is the burning question would be too easy, but the answer is yes, yes it is hot, yes it stings, and yes the flavor of the chocolate was fantastic. For me the chocolate stood out because as a diabetic I steer away from chocolate, yet chocolate is still my favorite, especially white chocolate. I am in no way immune to the heat of the Bhut Jolokia peppers in this chocolate bar, however it isn’t my first rodeo dance with the Bhut Jolokia either. Those of y’all that have been around for a while know I cook and how I cook, so I have grown accustomed to a certain factor in what I eat. Eventhough my wife and daughter enjoyed the chocolate, they want to never have anything to do with it again. My son enjoyed it, he wanted more, so we shared another chunk. What the hell, our tongues were already numb.

Was it really that damn hot? In my opinion, to the pepper virgin or pepper amateur, it is hot. Even for myself it had a serious kick in the heat department as well as a really wicked bite that truly left a stinging sensation in your mouth. This is round one of my battle with the Dartmoor Devil as I fully intend to incorporate it into my version of the Crown Royal cookies we will be making real soon, maybe even as soon as today, who knows.

So, once again, I would like to thank RPD for providing my family and I with an experience and I am sure a story that will be told many times down the road. I see myself offering tidbits of this chocolate to other family members and I will probably forget to mention that the chocolate bites back. Stick around boys and girls, the fun is just beginning so see y’all the next time.

Published by Scorpion Sting from his Droid!