Just Slide It In Slowly

Wait, wait, wait motherfuckers, it’s not at all what your dirty damn minds are thinking. Or is it? Is it? It’s actually quite innocent, but, there’s more, it goes much deeper than that, because a conversation with a tech services department really left me questioning the number I dialed when seeking assistance. But now I have jumped to the middle of the story, so let me back track a bit and tell you a story, a true story, a story which happened to me this past weekend. In the end, no matter what, I’m very innocent, my entire conversation reminded me, quite a bit, about the commercial where the guy is talking to his insurance agent at three in the morning when his wife slips in, turning on the light wanting to know what in the fuck he is doing and who in the fuck he is talking to. The difference is I was not getting insurance information from Jake, I was getting information from, wait, nevermind, you have to wait til that part of the story. So, I sense your confusion, so perhaps I need to just start.

A few weeks ago I ordered a set of replacement headlights for my daughter’s older Nissan Sentra because both of the headlights had a crack in them which in turn was letting in moisture which in turn was creating its own set of problems. I try not to plug companies for free here, but JC Whitney was a great help in finding the product I needed. In fact, when I was having problems on line I did call them to request help, the guy I spoke with at that time was Jack, he helped me place my order and I was on my merry little way while I waited patiently for my box to arrive. Within a few days the box did arrive that contained the headlight replacement kit. From the look of it I assumed it was all correct and as soon as I had a day without rain I was going to be all over it. I had a long wait, but this past Sunday was the magic day. I got out my trusty orange bucket to use as a chair, my toolbox, a frosty cold beverage, and the box of headlights. I was ready to go. Home alone, the breeze blowing nicely, and my music playing out of her car loudly. Is 7 in the morning too early to listen to Crazy Train? I didn’t think so either.

Removing the old ones was a bit of a challenge, the manual that was provided mentioned it was the “typical” way to disassemble the existing light housings. But, and this is a general complaint to translated 3 times over instructions, something that I need is always lost in translation, literally. After finding the remaining 2 screws, the housing popped right out into my lap. It was like magic, presto, its out. I felt as though I had beat the car which challenged me with the tiny hidden screws. I need more “victories” like this in my life, they are simple but they are still mine. After completely cleaning both sides out, spider webs and debris caked up over the years, I was ready to begin. Meanwhile my wife is calling me to check up on me, see if I’m bleeding or not, and to inform me that if I need an extra set of hands she will be home in ten minutes. Sure, why not, I can wait, help is help. After fifteen minutes and no wife I decided to brave it all alone and just finish. Within ten minutes the new light housings were installed. That was the easy part. Then I find myself getting just a wee bit pissed. The electrical connection from the car is rectangular in shape, the new lights come with a more square connection. Needless to say I would have been extremely mad, but I found a harness kit in the box, one for each side. I had two choices, use the adapter to crossover or cut the cars wires and install the female ends so it all works. I chose the adapters. Here’s the catch, they still don’t fit. Thinking I’m stupid some how, I redo the same steps multiple times.

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Having no luck, I roll back on my bucket, light a cigarette, have a drink of Dew, and re-read the instructions thinking this shit shouldn’t be so hard. Unable to figure it out I call the 1-800 # for the manufacturer who claims to be open 24/7. I call regretting having to make the call, these things never end well, I’m not looking to speak to someone in a call center halfway around the world. After navigating the rather simple menu I’m on hold for less than 30 seconds and speaking to a woman who speaks fluent English, my guess is that it might even be her native tongue. She has a very pleasant voice, she guided me through finding all the product information she required to find the proper spec sheet and instructions. After reading though them she comments that the way they are written is pretty confusing, a statement which I agreed to quickly. So, now its time to begin, I put my phone on speaker, turn up the volume, and set the phone on the radiator housing. She commented that she liked Ozzy, old school Ozzy like she hears in the background, and she wishes she was alive back in his glory days because she would have been at all of his concerts rocking out. So, we go through the plugging and unplugging routine, still no go, still not working. Then, she asks me if I put on the protective gel on the connectors to inhibit corrosion. Nope. So, this is where it got fun, because my wife comes up behind me quietly and kisses me on the cheek. The operator tells me to hold the male section (I’m still on speaker) in one hand and squeeze generous amounts of lube on the protruding prongs, assuring to push into the crevices with my fingers. My wife is just looking at me with that look, y’all know the look, hands on the hips, ect. I’m asked to put the male part down and pick up the female plug, she tells me to just fill up the entire cavity with the gel because she wants me to see it oozing out when the connection is finally made. Now, I’m instructed to grab each plug, male and female and gently make the connection.

Excuse me ma’am, but how much force do I need to apply, the male section will not go in easy. She tells me to grip both ends firmly and just slide it in slowly with steady straight pressure. Bingo! the parts clicked together. She asked if I needed assistance with the other side. Out of the blue my wife says, “it’s safe to say that I can help him slip his male part into the proper female part now that he knows he was in the wrong position to make the connection”. She looked at me, hit end call, and told me I wasn’t holding my tongue right in the first place. She was a bit confused to whom I was talking to in the first place. So, after I explained to my wife who I called for help we just started laughing our asses off, because this shit was hilarious as hell. Indeed, the other side went in without a hitch. I watched my wife walk off, I hated to see her leave but I do enjoy the show. As I cleaned up, I started thinking that the operator (Amanda) reminded me of that insurance commercial as well as those new erection deficiency commercials that are on the television nowadays, the one with the porn star telling you that you should buy their shit if you are over forty. HA! I’m pushing fifty and still function like a teeanaged boy. It’s like a genie in a bottle, think about it, if you don’t get the relation then you got problems.

In the end, with the aid of some great technical support, I was able to tame the beast and finish the challenge of exchanging the light housings. I’m grateful for Amanda’s assistance and that she was able to have a little fun with me. Now, to explain it better to y’all, it was not my dirty mind who took that into the gutter, it was my wife’s, who needed to share  the story with her sister and her friend, and while I was listening to her version she made it sound I was on the phone with a 1-900 call girl or something. All I can say is I liked Amanda’s approach, more often than not we call the service centers and are left in utter disappointment. Amanda left me with the impression that she knew her fucking job and she was customer friendly. All call center employees need to take notes because it never hurts (to at least act) to like your job. It projects across to your customers fast. Anyway, I just thought you would have fun hearing this story.

Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

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Under normal circumstances I would not be writing about the Bible. However, due to a project given to my son by his Bible study instructor this past Sunday, I found myself helping my son with some research. So, because I found the information very questionable and interesting at the same time I decided to make a post so I might discuss why the all loving Christian God would make such an apocalyptic decision. Perhaps this will lead me to write another one on the Seven Seals as well before long.  As a refresher, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse describes the four horsemen who, according to the New Testament in the Christian Bible, represent Conquest, War, Famine and Death. They are summoned and empowered by God as part of the opening of the Seven Seals. There are four separate horsemen, each representing something different. Each rides a different color horse, wields a different weapon and has a different power.

THE WHITE HORSE: The white horse is the first of the four horsemen to arrive. He represents Conquest and his power is “to go forth in conquest; to kill with the beasts of the Earth.” He Yields a Crown and a Bow. From the Bible, Revelation 6:1-2: “I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, “Come!” I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.”

THE RED HORSE:  The rider of the second horse is often taken to represent War. His horse’s color is red, or, in some translations, specifically a “fiery” red. This color, as well as the rider’s possession of a large sword, suggests blood to be spilled on the battlefield. The second horseman may represent civil war as opposed to the war of conquest that the first horseman brings. From the Bible: Revelation 6:3-4: “When the Lamb opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come!” Then another horse came out, a fiery red one. Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth and to make men slay each other. To him was given a huge sword.”

THE BLACK HORSE: The third horseman rides a black horse and is generally understood as Famine. The black color of the horse could be a symbol of the dead. The horseman carries a pair of balances or weighing scales, indicating the way that bread would have been weighed during a famine. Of the four horsemen, the black horse and its rider are the only ones whose appearance is accompanied by a vocal pronunciation. John hears a voice, unidentified but coming from among the four living creatures, that speaks of the prices of wheat and barley, also saying “and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.” This suggests that the black horse’s famine is to drive up the price of grain but leave oil and wine supplies unaffected. One explanation for this is that grain crops would have been more naturally susceptible to famine years than olive trees and grapevines, which root more deeply; the statement might also suggest a continuing abundance of luxuries for the wealthy while staples such as bread are scarce, though not totally depleted. Alternatively, the preservation of oil and wine could symbolize the preservation of the Christian faithful, who used oil and wine in their sacraments. From the Bible: Revelation 6:5-6: “When the Lamb opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come!” I looked, and there before me was a black horse! Its rider was holding a pair of scales in his hand. Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying, “A quart of wheat for a day’s wages, and three quarts of barley for a day’s wages, and do not damage the oil and the wine!”

THE PALE HORSE: The fourth and final horseman is named Death. Of all the riders, he is the only one to whom the text itself gives a name. Unlike the other three, he carries no weapon or other object (but some versions say that Death carries the scythe, symbolizing that he is the Grim Reaper); instead he is followed by Hades. The color of Death’s horse is written as khlômos (χλωμóς) in the original Koine Greek, which is often translated as “pale”, though “ashen”, “pale green”, and “yellowish-green” are other possible interpretations. The color suggests the sickly pallor of a corpse. The natural colors of horse coats that could be indicated include dun, Palomino, buckskin, or one of several color variants with dilution genes. The verse beginning “they were given power over the fourth of the earth” may refer solely to Death and Hades, or it may summarize the roles of all four horsemen; scholars disagree on this point. From the Bible, Revelation 6:7-8: “When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.”

Since the prophecy of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse is written in the Bible and taught by Christians, how does this all apply to the rest of us? As a person who was raised as a Catholic and later found the strength to pull away from the collective sheeple thinking it is things like The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse which make me wonder if we are ALL still waiting to die a fiery death. When I consider my remaining days on planet dirt (Earth) I look forward to each day I wake up taking my first breath. I don’t want to worry about when, if, or how, in the terms of Christian belief taught in the bible. I consider my son innocent, a sponge for knowledge, and I find he is conflicted in his beliefs in both God and science. He is very scientifically minded, meaning he does not ever accept that there isn’t a definitive answer. We have talked about both the Bible and science, he finds as he gets older, gets more experience in life, that he has began to question many of the lessons in the bible because they are open-ended questions that no attempt has been made to answer.

Now, don’t even get me started with evolution, a subject that is forbidden to be spoke out loud in our house. The rule was established many years ago, before my son was even born, that evolution is a theory produced by “people” who do not have God in their lives. I learned this the hard way many moons ago. But, since it is never spoke about in my house, my son has never had the opportunity to have the discussion with my wife. I won’t say she scolded my son for asking questions, but she re-directed him to the teachings in the Bible to point him to the answers he is seeking. Hating to see him struggle, hating to see his young mind shut down to other possibilities, I ended that conversation with a big fat “anything is possible if we believe in it being possible”. I got a dirty look from my wife which translated into me not supporting her, which is bullshit in itself.

It is opportunities like these that I hate being the one who disagrees with Christianity and the Bible because I must hold in my own opinions to appease others so my opinion does not influence choices my children may later make. I agree, every person needs to find their own path in life, no matter what it may be, no matter what the beliefs are, as long as they follow this path because that is what they want to do on their own. Eventhough I think the followers of Christianity are being misled and have been misled throughout history, I find myself intrigued by some of the stories written in the bible, like The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, because it seems to always be some form of wrath if Christians get off the path or get out of line. I wonder, occasionally, what the end of times will look like through my eyes because I don’t have a giant fear of fire and brimstone as my end.

Y’all are probably looking for some credits here, the artwork was found doing a Google image search using the term “The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse”, and the text was taken from what my son had printed, written, and from his notes, the origins are unknown to me. Anyway, in the end, this entire post was written as food for thought in a world where individual thought is often frowned upon, so I had to write it. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

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Why Did I Get This Ad As Spam?

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“THE BLACK FLAG means that there is no accountability. A fight to the end. THE BLACK FLAG is the symbol of the struggle against tyranny, to been trotted out by the oppressed against the oppressors throughout history. Today we hoist THE BLACK FLAG. “This will be my flag” we will fight against the corrupt politicians, of whatever party they may be.”

The above is a rough translation of the message about the black flag provided by a co-worker of Mexican heritage, fluent in both Spanish and English. He then provided me further information from a Facebook page to help explain it to me. “The black flag has the opposite meaning of the white flag, which is to surrender, the black flag represents disobedience and rebellion amongst the oppressed. It is the anti-flag, represents not belonging to  internationalism that denies any limits, symbolizes the denial of all ideology, philosophy, religion, tradition in it’s name enslave or seeks to enslave the human. The black flag represents equality and above all freedom for all races and people”. Now, that was also written in Spanish so he translated it for me as well. In the end, as it was explained to me, this is a movement to collectively stand together and fight corrupt government. When I asked what government he referred to, he said the government of the United States, as well as a world-wide movement to bring equality to all humans.

The entire conversation has left me a little confused and equally disturbed. Why? Because someone spammed a post of mine recently and this is way off the topic and subject matter. It goes right back to other things I’ve written about spammers, they don’t care about anything except their message. Yes, I reported it as spam. When I clicked the representative link associated with the comment I was redirected some 60+ times before the server here at work had enough and just denied further access to it, shutting it down for me. When I did the same on my phone I had the same results, it opened 50+ browsers fast before the antipiracy and anti-phishing protection just turned my phone off for my own safety. So, where am I going with all of this? It’s simple, it’s beyond the spamming comment, it’s beyond the black flag, but it reminds me how much some people lack in courtesy. What did he/she expect, that I would jump on the black flag band wagon with my bells and whistles to spread the word? Why would I? Did he/she expect I would do a post about the black flag, that I would take time to involve others to fulfill my own curiosities? Probably not. But, this is what I do, according to my haters out there, exploit the innocence of an innocent comment and twist it around into something that is slanted and call it worthy of writing about, and do a little bitching and moaning.

I see the opposite. He is your free space, call it a rent free real estate deal, you don’t owe me shit, but this is the only time it will be talked about here. Take it or leave it, I could care less. I wrote about it because the translation intrigued me enough to do so. I don’t endorse the movement or condemn the movement, it’s just an interesting subject to write about.