I Should Know Better By Now

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No, really, at my age, I should really know better than to engage in to an argument with a woman I don’t even know.  I’m not saying that an argument with a woman is unwise, or even unwinnable, I’m just saying a person needs to bring a sack lunch because he is going to be there for a while, that’s all. I’m sure there are a few people who know my predicament, or not, that’s really not the intended point. Yes, I’m about to fill y’all in so you can see my innocence in this particular argument. But then again, if only one side is allowed to speak, is it actually an argument? We’ll see I guess.

So, I was at the mall, yes an actual mall, where I was in the process of fulfilling a very specific list given to me by my wife, who figured if I was already going to Sears (in the mall) that I should save her a trip and me some money. Seemed fair enough at the time. I started in Sears, looking specifically for a certain kind of cutting bit for my router. I bought one like 15 years ago and it is just worn out, so I need an exact replacement to continue making the moulding I was making. Standing in front of the bits I took mine out of my pocket to compare it with a new one. When I believed it to be a successful match I put mine back in to my pocket and headed to the cashier. Before I get there I’m cornered by two Loss Prevention Officers who demand to see the contents of my pockets. After show and tell was over I was released to go pay for the bit I came to buy. As I’m leaving and heading into the mall I hear a woman telling someone that the man who was stealing tools is getting away. She jumped out of nowhere and ended up in front of me, pointing and yelling for me to stop. “Bitch, what in the everloving fuck are you doing?” Was about all I got out of my mouth before the manager showed up. Meanwhile, with this bitch still going strong I showed my bag, receipt, and my worn out bit. Finally I was free to leave.

Next I went into Sephora to get make up powder for my wife. Easy enough, I have a picture of what I’m getting and luckily I happened to walk in right where it was being displayed. Boom, bam, done, heading to the register. When I am paying I look up to see the same dumb bitch from Sears staring me down. She was now following me I think, but I could be wrong, maybe. But now she’s creeping me out a bit. So, I leave there and headed over to Bath and Bodyworks.

After a few minutes in this store I look up and this crazy stalking bitch is right in front of me. Me being me, I engaged in a somewhat sarcastically polite conversation about stepping in dog shit and how the smell seems to still be around even after a thorough cleaning. She asked me why I would tell her something so disgusting and I explained that it how I’m feeling right now with the way she just shows up where I’m at, like the stinky shit smell. Well, those would be the last words I ever got in. I waited in line with her explaining what an asshole I was and how I don’t fool her because she watched me steal from Sears. The sales lady even offered to call mall security for me because she just would not shut up, I declined, apparently because I was afraid of being busted.

I walked around the mall for a while, not really looking for anything in particular, just heading back to Sears so I could go home. As I passed the greeting cards store I see her in there so I ended up right beside her. I see she is looking for a condolence style card and I couldn’t help myself when, outloud, I said “I’m not sure if they sell I’m sorry for being a cunt all the time cards here” as I smiled and left. I don’t think I have ever heard such a big sigh in my entire life as I did at that moment in time. And then, wait for it, silence, nothing but silence. In turn, I chose not to poke the beast more and went to my car to go home.

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