A long time friend of my wife contacted me over the weekend to tell me she had an email waiting for me if I wanted to run with it on my blog. She mentioned that it didn’t really “fit” into any of my categories but thought of me when she started writing it all out. Going in blind I told her to go ahead and send it to me. After reading it, my wife tells me to just post it, fuck a particular category, because this was just a great reading experience. She is right, my wife always said she thought Sarah was a little kinky but could never put her finger on why. So, here we go! The material in the following paragraphs is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. In other words, consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you are about read next.
I am 28 years old, very happily married, and I have a successful career. I am also a sex addict. To give some background, I was a virgin until 19. I had ZERO interest in sex or boys or anything all through high school. I also come from a very good, healthy, loving home. I was never abused or raped growing up and have an amazing relationship with my parents – especially my daddy. I have always been daddy’s little girl and I always will be. I was a very good girl growing up, and I always had good grades, took school seriously, and I have never done any drugs. I’m not even a big fan of swearing. A very straight laced girl right?
Well once I lost my virginity at 19, it all changed. I don’t know what it was, but something in me exploded and I knew that I loved sex. I moved away to college soon after high school and studied hard. By day I was in class, earning amazing grades and a near perfect GPA. By night I was having sex with men I met at the clubs.
Now let me be frank about this. I am a self-proclaimed slut. I am really not sure how many men I have slept with for certain, but the number may easily be 100. I have done a lot of wild things. Group sex, public sex, strip shows for fun at parties, sex with much older men (when I was 19 I had an on\off sexual relationship with one of my father’s coworkers who was 51). But the thing is, I am not in any way ashamed of anything I have done in my past. I was always safe, and never put myself in any dangerous situations. I was on birth control, and I always used condoms on top of it. I also got regularly tested as an extra precaution and piece of mind. My friends and family always knew that I was a very level headed and independent woman. But sex was my outlet.
Without sounding like I am being conceited, I am very tall (6 feet) and very attractive (considered one of the pretty girls in high school, even though I was not really into that clique or even cared at that time). Getting male and some female attention was never really a problem for me. Men were quickly drawn to me. I am also openly bisexual and have been romantically involved with both men and women. In my life, the only two times I ever truly fell deeply in love with anyone has been with my, now husband, and a woman that I dated for a while in college.
I am also very obsessed with my sexuality and femininity. I dress incredibly feminine and sexy at all times. Not trashy mind you. I am talking, very tasteful dresses, skirts, a lot of vintage inspired outfits, and always high heels. I am so obsessed with wearing high heels that I wear them around the house at all times. I plan the next day’s heels out in advance and place them by the bed, so that when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is slip my feet into my heels. They are such a crucial extension of my femininity and I feel so naked and uncomfortable without them. I am so triggered by feminine sexuality that I am obsessed with admiring and surrounding myself with beautiful women who embody femininity. I am also attracted to feminine women like myself and my romantic female-female love relationships were with women who were tall, had soft-skin, long beautiful hair, and were feminine like me.
I dress sexy at home and at work and I love it. I am always in a skirt or a dress and obviously I love my high heels, which easily pushes me up to 6’5” tall and turns me into a walking pair of legs that turns a lot of heads. I am obsessed with being a sex icon. While my work attire may be close to the line of inappropriate, I always manage to stay with sexy, sophisticated. I work with all men and they don’t seem to mind and no one has ever sat me down and complained. I am still always professional and they are all very respectful. In fact, if I actually didn’t come in too dressed up, everyone would wonder what was up. On the rare occasion that I change out of my heels, everyone comments on it and is shocked to see me, since they are used to seeing their leggy office girl. I enjoy being the eye candy in the office and I feel that for some of them, I can be the best part of their day. And for the record, none of them treat me with any disrespect or have ever harassed me and I am friendly with all my boys at the office. Plus being the only female makes me queen of my department.
Now on to my marriage: I am in a loving and wonderful marriage and I could not be happier. I am infinitely loyal to him in every way and never have and never will cheat on him. Our marriage is a bit different though, because we are a Dominant\submissive couple. I love being submissive to him. I wear sexy lingerie, or costumes, and other erotic outfits and high heels around the house at all times, and I live under a set of rules that he has for me. Now this is not in any way an abusive relationship. Far from it in fact. I feel the safest ever in his control. He never hurts me and we, of course, talk about bills and finances like equals just as any other couple does. I have input in our relationship, but in all other facets, I am submissive to him. This is a lifestyle I chose to live and I am happy this way. I can’t imagine living a life any other way.
When I have sex, I like it frequent and I like it rough. We often engage in bondage- nothing extreme or that causes injuries, of course, and I like him to dominate me and use me as he pleases. I love being his as he wants me. Submission is my outlet. Its liberating to me. We have been married for 3 years and our marriage is stronger than ever, thanks in part to our lifestyle, which we both enjoy immensely and because we know each other so well. No other man knows my limits for pain as well as he does, and can respect my boundaries without every breaking them. This is the ultimate relationship of trust. We also talk about our lifestyle every week and discuss things as a couple, and we are very serious about always keeping communication going no matter what. We are always checking in with each other.
I know this is all a lot of information, but sooner or later i needed to let some of this out. I seem to be a very rare type of woman. I am into very rough sex, I have slept around with around 100 men, many strangers, and I love exhibitionism. On the other hand, I come from a good home, am a sweet girl to everyone, and I have very high self-esteem and ambition. These things seem to be at odds. I read so many awful stories of how so many women become sexually compulsive because of early childhood abuse, or bad relationships with their parents at home, and are usually miserable and have low self-image. I had an amazing family life growing up, I am still close to my parents who are still married, I am happy with my life and all of my choices in it, and I have very high ambition and high self-esteem. I am happy in my marriage and my job. I love myself. And on top of it, I am not at all ashamed of my past and in fact resent the stigma that being a slut is a bad thing at all as long as you are safe and smart, which I always am.
So what is going on here? I don’t wear panties under my skirt because I masturbate at least three times a day and panties get in the way. There is also the thrill of people potentially getting a peek at me. I’m obsessed with being an object of sexual desire, and I am happy with it. My husband can barely keep up with me, the poor guy, because I just need so much sex but he does his best. I masturbate at work when I am alone. How did I go from never even thinking about sex or even boys up through high school turn into full blown sexual addiction at 19? What makes a good sweet little daddy’s girl with good grades, like me, go out at night and have sex with four men at once at a party? How did I manage to find random men at a club or a bar and so easily feel comfortable having sex with them against a wall around the side of the building or in his or my car? How was I able to have a “no strings attached” long term sexual relationship with my male roommate in college, and not ever develop feelings, but then became clingy and loyal to any boyfriend or girlfriend I became romantically connected with?
On top of everything, why am I so emotionally stable? I have never had depression and have always been a happy and confident woman. So why does “rape role-play” with my husband arouse me so much? How exactly after losing my virginity at 19, did I get so sexually confident that I seduced my dad’s 51 year old coworker at his home and never once had a second thought about doing it? How can I, on one hand, have sex or give oral to nearly any man that was interested and I found half way cute without batting an eye, yet still have enough sense to use birth control, condoms and get frequently tested?
How abnormal is this?
For the record, I do have a therapist who is baffled. He says that one hand I am definitely a sexual compulsive based on many factors, however I am an anomaly in that I somehow manage to avoid putting myself in dangerous situations, or letting it cause any problems in my life or negatively affect my life. Though he isn’t too happy to know that I am masturbating in my office at work, and considers that a bit risky.
Does any of this make sense to you? I am not asking for advice because of shame. I actually feel no shame, and as long as I am happy and confident, then I will continue to live a great life. I am asking for advice, I suppose because I just want to understand myself better. I want to get into my own mind and understand what drives me.
To leave you with just one more recent scenario, my husband and I recently visited and old college friend of mine who I reconnected with online and turned out to live nearby. We both dressed up and had dinner at her place. We had wine and some laughs, but I noticed she was getting flirty with my husband. She’s always been the flirty type, and I’m a bit of the jealous type, so when I saw her finding excuses to touch him, like slowly brushing bread crumbs off his shirt sleeve, the green eyed monster came out and I immediately started doing ownership moves toward him. When we got home he went to the bathroom and when he came out he found me, nearly completely naked, and bondage tape next to me and I told him that I needed him to tie me up and dominate me hard. My jealousy had turned into rabid desire at the thought of my friend wanting him and it made me so insanely horny. While he was aggressively thrusting inside of me, I begged him to spank me, harder, and harder, and harder, until we were way past our usual threshold. I don’t know why, but I wanted it hard that night. After more begging, I had him finish by holding me by my throat and spanking me until my butt was beet red and tears were running down my face. And, by the way, I had one of the most intense orgasms I can recall in probably years. This happened just last night, and my butt is sore to sit on still, and…goodness help me, but I love it, and I loved him spanking me to that needed emotional release. I’m glad he is my husband and knows that crying during rough sex is an emotional outlet for me, where most men would freak out.
How am I so well adjusted as a woman, yet in need of such extreme arousal? How does a confident and independent woman in a great career and a great salary, also feel alive to be a sexual object for man to lust after? Am I weird for wearing high heels everywhere except when I shower or go to bed? Am I weird that I lose a bit of my confidence and femininity if I don’t have high heels on? Where does my obsession with my own sexual femininity come from? And why I am so happy with my life and have such a great, wholesome childhood, yet still become a complete slut in college?
I just need to understand my own mind here. I was thinking of making my own blog one day, I wonder how that would go over.
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