As Requested By My Oldest Daughter

Before I really get into this post and the nature of my oldest daughter’s request, let me just say that this is quite possibly the strangest request I have ever been asked by anyone, ever. As many of y’all know, my oldest daughter lives in the state of South Dakota and will be getting married in the summer. Over the years we have maintained a very close relationship which allows us to talk about just about anything under the sun. Most times our conversation stays on the pretty straight and narrow, but last night I was asked to do something completely from out in left field. I don’t say that negatively, let’s just say it was a complete shock to me. It all started because we were talking about her wedding planning, more specifically what the dress code for me was going to be as the father of the bride. The reason for asking is this will be an outside wedding and the wedding party will be dressed really casual, not shorts and flip flops, but pretty casual to say the least. I was told how I dressed is up to me, now let me explain why.

The one thing that has troubled or plagued these wedding plans has been finding the “right” person to officiate the ceremony. It has been my understanding that they didn’t want a Justice of the Peace or a minister, no minister simply because they don’t exactly want it to be too religious. Now, I don’t think it will be a pagan wedding with a live sacrifice of a virgin, but something more free spirited. My daughter was born in the wrong era, being born in 1990, because she lives her life more like she was growing up in the late 60s, a modern day version of the flower child if one was to ask me. In the end, they claim no religious preference, knowing only there is a greater power out there that is bigger than all of the rest of us. Anyway, after discussing things in their own home they decided to ask me a “giant favor” and to see what my opinions were on something they believed would make their wedding very special. By now I will assume that y’all have looked at and read the picture, if not this would be a good time to do so. Once y’all do that then perhaps it will be easier to explain what was asked of me and, as of today, what I have “become”. Looking at my blogs and the way I live my life in the real world I would have never guessed that I would ever be witness to this event ever happening. I wonder if she remembers we have tickets to see Slipknot and Marilyn Manson the end of June.

And that is that, in a matter of a few minutes I’m legal to marry couples in every state in the Union. Yes, this was the question I was asked. I was asked to be the one to preform the wedding ceremony. I know, weird, right? For right now, we are set, especially now that I made numerous phone calls this morning to find out if this is actually legal and legit. It was surprising to me to find out that my scenario is very common, especially in States recognizing same sex marriage. I did allot of digging, allot of calling, and allot of research, and I found that my signature on their license will be legal in all states and recognized in all states. Which is what my concern was, I wanted to be sure that this wasn’t wasting anyone’s time or getting anyone in legal trouble. I will post again on this topic later this summer after the wedding. I think I know what I’m wearing now, can we say tuxedo t-shirt?

Being The Father Of The Bride

One would think that the title, “father of the bride”, is to be dealt with lightly, but I’m here to tell you that the weight the title carries buckles the knees of the strongest men. Even I, a simple man, a man who only wants his children to be happy and healthy, has a hard time holding it all together on the ” big day”. Yes, it has finally happened, my 19 y/o daughter tied the knot this past weekend. After months of preparing, the day came and went like a gentle breeze. I’ve been to a few weddings in my life, been married twice of course, but nothing prepared me for giving my baby girl away in marriage, nothing. I’m sure at least a few of y’all are shaking your head in agreement, because you know I’m right.

I’m not going to talk much about the wedding ceremony itself, I think we all pretty much know how those go, and this wedding was no different, but this time it was my daughter who was the beautiful bride. I would, however, like to talk about the reception, because this is the place I learned how much my daughter really knew me, like deep down to my soul knew me, because she found the ways to make a normally emotionless man shed tears not only in sadness but in joy as well. I personally didn’t think I would break down in front of hundreds of people, but it happened. Let’s go back a while first, where it actually started hitting me. It was time now, after she was dressed in her gown, for me to place her garter, a garter she had not seen yet, a garter I searched high and low to find, the perfect garter for my little girl. Little did I know this was to be such a huge event, so many people were there, and the photographer catching every meaningful moment. I had no idea my special gift, my personal touch, and the beautiful garter of lace and satin would be such a “moment” for everyone. But it was, and it was a hard moment for me, it was when I realized that when the garter is finally removed she will be married. Let that sink in a moment, it hit me like a ton and a half of bricks, I was not prepared for the emotions or the brief moments of flashbacks to her childhood, or me as the proudest dad ever.

Soon, the ceremony was over, my little girl was now officially a married woman, and the next chapter of her life is beginning. I had thought I was keeping it together, remaining stoic in my composure, being the happy dad on the outside, hiding the even sadder dad on the inside. I was doing a damn fine job of it too, until my daughter decided it was time for her to give a toast. She raised her glass of sparkling grape and announced she would like to give a toast to her dad, her dad who was and always will be there for her, no matter what. There was more, much more, it grabbed my heart and began to ring out tears and emotion I didn’t even know was inside me. When she was done, when the clapping stopped, I made my way to the front of the room, going behind the table where she stood in happy tears, and we had the second biggest hug we ever had. Then it was announced that the father and daughter dance was going to commence momentarily so we needed to make our way to the dance floor. I was prepared for this once in a lifetime dance, I really was, but I was not prepared for the song she selected. Imagine being in the fellowship hall of the church your daughter was just married in and hear the first musical notes of the song “Changes” by Ozzy Osbourne sung with his daughter Kelly Osbourne, a song that I joked was about us, a song about letting go, and a song about daddy’s little girl growing up. To increase the emotional tug of our song, she had prepared a slideshow of many moments of her growing up, of her and I in the good times and bad, and our dance became the hug that I never wanted to end. So, if you were wondering why that was included at the beginning of this post you now have your answer, I hope you enjoyed it.

I close this post now trying to understand the pain and joy of one’s daughter getting married, remembering that in June of 2016 my oldest daughter will be getting married, and I wonder if I’m strong enough to do it twice. Eventhough I’ve said it a trillion times, I want to tell my daughter that she is truly loved and I wish her one thousand years of happiness. To all my readers, thanks for taking the time to share in some of my personal moments and memories today.

Even I Get Shocked Occasionally

As a parent there are just things I don’t worry about my children doing. As a parent there are things that I would be shocked if I knew my children are doing it. We live in a much different time than when I was 19, it was “simple” then, social media and texting consisted of passing notes, gossiping, and telephone calls from the living room family phone. Today everything is digital, as fast as hitting the send/post button. Yes, it makes “sharing” life’s little details quick and effortless, but at what cost to us personally, because once it’s on the internet it is there forever, and forever is a fucking long time. So, where am I getting with all of this information? Well, quite honestly, I got the shock of a lifetime a few weeks ago and I’m just getting the time (making the time) to tell this little story that hits real close to home.

My social media circle of “friends” differs a great deal from my kids, eventhough they follow me, I do not follow them, I don’t even look at their pages unless I get forwarded something one of them thinks I need to know for the humor aspect or ideas for me to write about here, it’s rare, trust me. But, a few weeks ago I get an invitation to see a friend of my 19 year old daughter’s page with a all caps OMG added in for good measure. I actually didn’t look at it the same day, I was asked if I saw it a few days later, so I went and checked it out, and yes, OMG fit, more like OMFG I don’t believe what I’m seeing was more appropriate. I was full on shocked, no doubt about it, my fucking jaw dropped in one second flat because I never expected to see what I was looking at. Of course, Facebook has strict rules, so I saw only some blurred out images, but I followed the link, something I still regret to this day, since there are things, as a parent, I don’t need or want to see, ever.

We have lived in basically the name area for the last 16 years, meaning my kids have had friends for a long time that all spent a great deal of time at my house, I’ve watched most of them grow into young adults. For many years my middle daughter (19) had a best friend, more like sister, she was raised by her aunt and uncle since age 5 when her parents were hit by a drunk driver and killed instantly. She spent allot of time at my house as the years went by and when she wasn’t, she was dearly missed. About a year ago, she moved away to North Carolina and the distance really caused a falling out in their friendship, reduced mostly to stalking each other’s life on Facebook. Which is where I got dragged into it. It was her wall I got the link to, it was what I saw there that shocked me, I mean really, really shocked. As I mentioned, there are things left better unseen. I know, ok, let’s get to it.

Upon arrival at her wall I see pictures of her, in the nude, blurred out of course, but one could still get the jist of the obscured pictures. Like a dumbass I followed the link to the full sets of pictures. It would appear that she had posed for a very popular men’s magazine, which I won’t name by name, hope ol’ Hef won’t be pissed, a few months ago. Now, with that being said, who am I to judge her for her own personal decisions? She’s an adult and entitled to make her own mind up what she will do in her life. It really caught me by surprise though, it was not what I was expecting to be seeing. What will make life interesting is the fact that she will be in town visiting her family in late September and I was recently informed that she will be stopping by to say “hi”.

Now, as a father, I have many questions and/or statements to make. Taking my past experiences into consideration we can all say I’m not necessarily innocent when it comes to the adult entertainment industry and lifestyle, I’ve been around the block more than once. My wife asked me how it would make me feel if that was either one of my daughters. Honestly, I don’t know the answer. I really don’t. I would be shocked, of course, but hopefully I would be supporting of the decisions. How does one answer that question under hypothetical conditions? I know one thing for sure, as I mentioned before, as soon as it is on the internet it’s going to be on the internet forever. Of course, what she has done is also available in print, still being sold in a local store near you and I. This is all I know, we make choices, we make changes, and we live our lives as we see fit. In more ways than I will lay out here, I’m proud of her and support her, not just because she’s like family, but because she deserves to have what she wants in life. So many people don’t follow dreams and aspirations, they jump into the line with the rest of the conformists and just muddle through life, not knowing if they are happy or not unless someone tells them so. And, like so many other things, this post is over. Hopefully it has given y’all something to think about, to consider, and that you realize that EVERY picture of a naked female you ever see is somebody’s daughter, think about it.

Retired Resort Employee Explains

I can personally relate to the information that, if you so choose to do so, you’ll read in a few moments. I have traveled a bit in my life, either professionally or personally, and I have always had questions about how “friendly” the resort staff really is and why it is that way. I will use our last vacation to Florida to visit Disney World where we stayed in a Disney resort. Lets just say the behavior of certain staff member was a little strange, although appreciated. I’ll tell y’all what, I will make my next post about that vacation adventure. I wrote allot about it in the past, but never explored this aspect of it all. It was happening all around us as well as to us, read the next post and you’ll understand better.

Anyway, this email comes in to me to explain the sexual side of everyday resorts. It was mentioned that he worked at the same resort for 20 years, starting out at 16, and has since retired from the tourist industry. I won’t ruin it for him, I’ll let him tell it as it was emailed to me. All I ask is that you think long and hard about all your past resort vacations and probably what to look for on your next resort vacation.

—————— Begin Email Message ————–

Greeting Mr. Scorpion~

I would like to share things about resorts and the people who work there as well as the people who stay at them. I worked at the same one since I was 16 and now 20 years later I have fully retired. Resort guests are the absolute reason I retired, the tips, other money, and the sex made my tenure there very appreciated. So, let’s explain why shall we.

Your daughters, your girlfriends, your fiancées, your wives, and other members of staff ALL tend to pay with sex. Resort workers put up serious weekly numbers. Exotic beaches trigger single women from around the globe slut’s instincts. If she arrives alone its almost too easy. If she arrives with a partner it takes shockingly little effort to get her separated, naked, and on her back. Not to worry, the men have the same opportunities as the women, but most men are usually looking for it anyway, resort workers just make it easy.

Resort pay typically ranges from poor to abysmal so access to a continual stream of cute guests is seen as a crucial benefit if indeed not the main one. This arrangement is fully condoned by management; resorts know they can get away with lower salaries if workers are “wifey-ing up” and happy about their overall working conditions.

All guests, male or female, are for our benefit. During activities and excursions I have guests introduce themselves to each other with names and backgrounds. Innocent questions like hometown and favorite Disney movie are interspersed with more ulterior ones like stop light color (relationship status), celebrity crush (mate preference) and tattoo ownership (slut indicator). We use this information to more efficiently select targets. Kickball, volleyball, red rover and something called “the beach game” turn X-rated quickly. We’ll make up rules that may seem spontaneous but rest assured they aren’t—they’re designed to get women naked and fucking in the shortest time possible.

I know one particularly well-endowed co-worker who had an effective tactic with couples and large groups. First, he would take them out on the boat to play a few drinking games. After the women were sufficiently inebriated he would institute a clothing-off policy in order to continue playing. Since the men were out on a boat with nowhere to go they had little choice but to play along or be deemed pussies by the rest of the boat. They would stand around timidly with their comparatively small penises while the women swooned over his massive member. One or more women would always come find him later that night.

As mentioned previously the financial component of our compensation is rarely much above poverty wages thus rendering us childishly appreciative for laughably meager sums. I still remember my first tip: two friendly Canadian guys handed me the equivalent of 5 dollars after a guest activity. I proceeded to introduce them to every cute girl in the hotel until they clicked with some hotties. I had the bartender send them free bottom shelf shots at the first lull in conversation. They didn’t sleep alone for the rest of their stay.

Bartenders write ad nauseam about the wisdom of taking care of servers; I would argue resort staff are a better allocation of resources because it takes a much smaller sum to impress and our ability to enable a bang is better (we have a more fun and intimate relationship with guests and we’re free to wander the resort to introduce people and take groups up to rooms, secluded balconies, staff quarters, etc.).

We can ruin your vacation in any number of ways. This is sound advice for all customer-employee interactions but nowhere else have I experienced such a profound influence over customer experience. If you are a dickhead I can make sure you won’t get laid. If you are an entitled little princess I will go out of my way to make you feel unwanted and humiliated. This can range from the morally neutral (unfavorable seating/pairings during meals and activities) to the morally wrong (subtly letting it be known to the other guests that you are a creep) to the technically illegal (fighting you when I am drunk enough to not be held responsible).

Because pay is so low, management has little weight to reprimand its workers so more often than not complaints will fall on deaf ears. By accepting the unusual payment arrangement management has acquiesced a degree of authority over worker-guest interactions. Unless what I do is blatant, unambiguous and against the rules, management will most likely turn a blind eye to my behavior. They’d rather keep me hidden until you leave and let me continue unhindered then find and train a new employee. Because 99% of customers leave satisfied this is a deal they are more than happy to accept.

I can only speak for employees typically in positions like hotel reception, surf instructors, tour guides, and housekeepers. The guests are the reason we’re here. People at beach resorts are unsurprisingly a congenial lot and it’s impossible to dislike such a pleasant demographic. I’ve helped many hundreds of cool guests get laid, both guys and girls. In my estimate 90% of guests are great, 9% are neutral and maybe 1% are assholes. It’s only that 1% that would ever get detrimental treatment.

Sharks. Dolphins. Boppers. Cherries. Obviously many professions use code to describe customers: car salesmen have “tire-kickers” (non-serious buyers) and flight attendants have “spinners” (people who can’t find their seats), but due to close customer proximity and our relative youthfulness it’s more prevalent in this profession than others. It would be useless to explain actual terms because they vary from place to place but if you happen to overhear a worker speaking cryptically pay attention. It’s really not hard to decipher and you will benefit from their seasoned assessment. Also useful for locations: “nowhere,” “the dungeon,” “the bat cave.” If you know where we’re talking about then you will know where the party will be.

We get to meet large numbers of women from all over the world and develop fairly accurate mosaics of slutiness based on where she’s from and where she chooses to travel. There are a few combinations that consistently produce rates at  the high end of the bell curve:

American women studying abroad (bonus points for those who choose South America) Southeast Asian girls who choose tourist hotspots (Bangkok, Phuket, Bali, Boracay) American women who frequent the Caribbean.

It should come as no surprise that America is ground zero for whores and sluts who vacation with a constant wetspot in their g-string, and it becomes easy to see why Caribbean guys are so laid back—they have a never-ending supply of rich white girls flying down for sex. Side note: I only know one girl who studied abroad in Africa and she was almost a school-wide joke for the amount of dick she took. With such a small sample I can’t draw conclusions but if you have wider experience with this demographic please get in touch, I’m curious if my suspicions are true.

Planeloads of cute little jaw-dropping sluts from all over the world arrive weekly during the season and if you only speak English you are at a major disadvantage. Being American is not impressive in any way to many foreigners and is in fact often detrimental. Europeans, Asians and South Americans have seen too many of our drunken frat boys and whoring, slutty co-eds to have any respect for us just off the bat. That is until you tell them about the drink specials and ask them how their flight was in their own language. Then suddenly the table of pouty, teenage dreamboats straight off the plane from Madrid is at your full attention. Your value has just increased tenfold and eight eager little smiles greet you whenever you walk up to them. Virginities will be taken before the trip home.

The model quality Prada-toting 18-year-olds from Paris open up her legs pretty wide after you drop some French and wine knowledge on her. And by open up I mean they open it all for the taking. You now are in control of every orifice she claimed to own. If I could do college all over again I would opt for the highest-level language courses available and switch out my electives for a second language.

Not every resort is like this but the crazier ones certainly are. If you haven’t worked in one I would recommend you give it a try for a season. Also, I wouldn’t advise guys to allow their girlfriends to go to these places alone. If you do accompany her, don’t go to bed early if she’s staying up because odds are she is having her cage rattled a few times.

—- Rolando

————— End Of Email Message ———–

Next time you go to a resort somewhere in the world pay attention to the people around you, especially the employees of the resort. They just might be trying to tell you something and you might even like it. This is a fun game for me no matter where I’m at, people watching gets better the older I get. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this tiny inside peek from one of thousands of resort employees. Having a few friends in the cruise ship industry I need to get ahold of them and ask them if the same things are going on, which I can be very positive it is. So, that’s it for now, get busy and plan your next resort vacation, remember me because you know we want to hear about your adventures and see all your great pictures.

Struggling With Dueling Personalities

As my 18 year old daughter pushes through her second semester in college to become a RN she has come face to face with the fact that there are many psychology and sociology classes to attend. She knows the human brain really fascinates me and she knows I have my own out of the normal box way of thinking, meaning I question everything. Because of my age and personal experiences I tend to have a jaded opinion about my fellow human beings. It makes me hard to talk to at times because I don’t want to talk about “how” I got where I stand today because much of my personal past is still unknown to even the closest people in my life. Simply put, there are things I choose not to discuss, its just the way it is.

Anyway, she had a paper to write about personality disorders versus mental disorders. She didn’t know the “line” between them is often blurred, often confused, often misidentified, and very often a person gets mislabeled. Now, she is familiar with bipolar disorder since her brother struggles daily with it. She had to learn the “disorder” in order to live in peace with her brother in a comfortable manner for both of them. She thought she had this paper nailed until she asked me to review it. Its not that she had it all wrong, because she didn’t. But, because the terms are confusing, it makes the information available confusing. Jokingly, I told her that the specialists who study these and other disorders make it difficult to learn for job security, which is both true and false in every conceivable way. So, I gave her my interpretation, whether it helped or not we will have to see when she gets her grade. Below is how I see it.

Sometimes people confuse two mental disorders, only one of which could be referred to as “common” within the population which is bipolar disorder and then schizophrenia. This confusion has largely resulted from the common use of some of these names in popular media, and as short-hand by people referring to someone who is grappling with a mental health issue. The disorders, however, have little in common other than the fact that many who have them are still stigmatized by society.

Bipolar disorder is a fairly common mental disorder compared with the other two disorders. Bipolar disorder is also well-understood and readily treated by a combination of medications and psychotherapy. It is characterized by alternating moods of mania and depression, both of which usually last weeks or even months in most people who have the disorder. People who are manic have a high energy level and often irrational beliefs about the amount of work they can accomplish in a short amount of time. They sometimes take on a million different projects at once and finish none of them. Some people with mania talk at a faster rate and seem to the people around them to be constantly in motion.

After a manic mood, a person with bipolar disorder will often “crash” into a depressive mood, which is characterized by sadness, lethargy, and by a feeling that there’s not much point in doing anything. Problems with sleep occur during both types of mood. Bipolar disorder affects both men and women equally and can be first diagnosed throughout a person’s life.

Bipolar disorder can be challenging to treat because, while a person will take an antidepressant medication to help alleviate a depressed mood, they are less likely to remain on the medications which help reign in the manic mood. Those medications tend to make a person feel “like a zombie” or “emotionless,” which are feelings most people wouldn’t want to experience. So many people with bipolar disorder find it difficult to maintain treatment while in their manic phase. However, most people with bipolar disorder function relatively well in normal society and manage to cope with their mood swings, even if they don’t always keep on their prescribed medications.

However, schizophrenia is less common than bipolar disorder and is usually first diagnosed in a person’s late teens or early to late 20’s. More men than women receive a diagnosis of schizophrenia, which is characterized by having both hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions are the belief in something that isn’t true. People who have delusions will continue with their delusions even when shown evidence that contradicts the delusion. That’s because, like hallucinations, delusions are “irrational”, the opposite of logic and reason. Since reason doesn’t apply to someone who has a schizophrenic delusion, arguing with it logically gets a person nowhere.

Schizophrenia is also challenging to treat mainly because people with this disorder don’t function as well in society and have difficulty maintaining the treatment regimen. Such treatment usually involves medications and psychotherapy, but can also involve a day program for people who have more severe or treatment-resistant forms of the disorder.

Because of the nature of the symptoms of schizophrenia, people with this disorder often find it difficult to interact with others, and conduct normal life activities, such as holding down a job. Many people with schizophrenia go off of treatment (sometimes, for instance, because a hallucination may tell them to do so), and end up homeless, without friends or family, and sometimes end their life as a plausible solution.

All people suffer, period. No person wants or needs to be a “lab rat” in the discovery of what ails them mentally. But, society dictates we label and judge others based on our opinions, ignorance, lack of understanding, and the pure lack of compassion. I know what y’all are thinking, and yes I do judge people myself in regards to stupidity and the utter lack of common sense. So, I do live the double standard in many ways, I ride that double edge sword like the evil bitch she is. Its one of many of my personal faults. I’m definitely not an expert on this topic, but in my defense I have read about and studied this topic for many, many years because the subject is very near and dear to me. Nor do I claim that what I have interpreted or formed my own opinion on is dead nuts accurate. As with all things, interpretation is the ultimate devil in the woodpile.

We can learn allot by paying attention and observing our fellow humans, but more often than not we choose to just ignore the people around us. We have become dependent on others to guide us in life for some fucked up reason. However, I do know two doctors, y’all know who you are, who take a different approach to medicine, they look at the person first, not the diagnosis. They take into consideration that we a people with feelings, emotions, and look at alternative ways to treat the various symptoms of life. I appreciate my two friends a great deal, one day I would like to shake the hands of Kris and Rexi because they have taken time out of their lives to include me into their lives. They are both amazing women in my opinion and anyone who has them in their daily lives are truly lucky.

Anyway, in closing, helping my daughter helps me more often than not because it gives me a chance to reevaluate the things I think I know well and opens my mind to the possibilities that there are other options. I get pretty set in my damn ways sometimes but my thirst for knowledge will never be quenched as long as I’m still breathing. My dad once told me, the summer he died, that people prey on the closed mind, they prey because the closed mind is that of a victim, and they begin with the upper hand because they know how defenseless a victim is. Is it true? I still challenge myself to this very day not to be a victim with a closed mind. Do you?

Fathers Of Teenage Dauaghters Know

Bring Daddy’s Little Girl Home Late?

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk your fucking horn you’d better be delivering a package or a pizza, because you’re sure not picking anyone up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them permanently and mail them to your mother.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their asses. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete fucking idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Remember, I own guns and a backhoe.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my untouched daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be an older man who has a few miles on him and look very mild mannered. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I can disassemble, reassemble, and reload my Desert Eagles faster than you can ever run. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I remind you I own guns, a backhoe, and 10 acres of partially wooded property behind this very house. Do not ever fucking lie to me because I will end you and any memory of you.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a common criminal looking for an easy score. When my bullshit meter starts pegging out, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged presence you might feel will be mine.

Reminder: We live on an enormous piece of wooded property surrounding a good sized pond, I’m a gun owner, and the owner of a rather nice backhoe. Make good choices when with my daughter because I have already made my choices about you.

Posted From Scorpion Sting’s Motorola Droid Maxx!

Thieves Are True Assholes

Yesterday was a busy day for me as I spent most of it putting out the fires a thief started while cleaning up the mess this asshole has now created. Most of y’all have heard me mention before that I do not possess any credit cards with the exception of a gas card which I use once to twice a month just to keep it active. Otherwise, as a household we operate and function with either cash or either one if our debit cards. Yesterday morning I was looking at my bank account on-line and noticed three odd charges. After speaking with my wife, who was at work, it was determined that these transactions were not made by either one of us. However, they listed my card as the card used. So I call the 1-800 number for the bank we use and since my cell phone is linked with my account I was automatically switched to the fraud prevention dept as soon as I entered my account information. An automated message comes on with instructions on how to use the following information. It begins to list what turns out to be twelve transactions which nine of them were questionable and immediately declined. After the automated version I was able to speak with a fraud prevention banking agent.

She began with my spending habits and how I use my card each month to pay the same things for basically the same amount of funds and then I have PayPal payments which are also explainable. Then she listed the nine which were declined which equaled just shy of $3,000.00 and the nature of the attempted purchases. Here is the shocker, they all happened in a small 25 mile radius in a city she could not release in fucking Canada. Want stranger? The three “pending” charges equalling less than $10.00 were also in the same city in Canada. The end result is that all the charges have now been declined, my card has been killed, and my wife’s card and my daughter’s card have both been put on fraud watch for suspicious activity. Problems solved, right? I suppose only time will tell. She explained that this is being investigated and I will be informed if the person(s) is caught because I will be able to press charges based on the international agreements and both countries fraud laws. But still, how does this help me sleep at night.

My wife and I spent the better part of yesterday evening going over the possibilities of where my card specifically was targeted and then compromised. We came up with nothing, as we both pointed out, we did just spend 12 days in South Dakota where my card was used predominantly for 95% of the purchases we made. But there is still no actual answer. It was interesting to me to look at the list of places this asshole was declined. I remind you, all attempts were made in person, meaning the asshole had to swipe a card in a credit card reading machine if some sorts. The best one was that the asshole attempted to pay his/her wireless bill in the store. Why is this good news? To begin with the fraud department now has an account number, a cell phone number, and the name and address on the account. Great, right? Probably not because it is most likely all fake or stolen. For now this is resolved and the wannabe thief has been stopped. Well, my card is no good to the asshole, but who knows how many more stolen cards/numbers he/she possesses or how they are obtained. Now I don’t know if this asshole is Canadian, nor do I know if this asshole lives in Canada, but I would have to suspect the answers to be yes since the asshole was attempting to pay personal bills which are Canadian.

Before we start jumping in my ass for something I have said I will remind everyone I am not calling all Canadians assholes, just the asshole(s) fucking with my money. Everything having to do with Canada is purely circumstantial based on the information provided to me. So I don’t need no angry yankees busting my ass and filling up my comments or email with bullshit. Agreed? Still friends? Also, in a way this post should serve as a PSA for everyone. Keep an active eye on your money and your accounts. No, I did not mention which bank I use and no I will not divulge that information. Wasn’t it a rapper, many moon ago, who had a line that went something like “keep your money on your mind and your mind on your money” or something like that? His name eludes me at this time. I think it was Snoop Dogg or what ever he calls himself. Yes, I am very out of touch, I know. I really don’t know what to say, none of us are safe because none of us really live off the grid of society. Shit happens and now we live to fight another day a little wiser. Again, Canadians, I wasn’t trying to anger y’all. Unless you are the slimey asshole thief, then yes, by all means, be very offended.

The Time Is Now

Taking the time to do something right now seems to be more of a luxury than a necessity. I can’t speak for everyone but that is how it usually is for me personally. There are times I truly don’t have time and there are times where I don’t feel like making the time. I am sure many of us treat “time” in the same fashion. Recently I noticed that I was getting into a very bad habit which I chose to correct before it did any substantial damage that I couldn’t reverse. I consider myself to be pretty self reliant capable of making the big boy decisions when I need and following through with the things I begin. I look to others to be able to do the exact same thing, without question and without excuses. However, I must admit that being unemployed has changed my perspective on my day to day events because now I have the time that once eluded me for so many years. Time to do what? Good question. When I was young, having too much time on my hands would prove to be a very negative thing because I could easily find trouble. Somewhere in time I out grew that and started to cherish a little free time. Move forward many years to the present and I definitely know that having the time just to breathe is very valuable. I know time will not stand still for me, I may stand still but everything around me moves at the speed of light, and I do not like that feeling. So, I have been up to some different things. Like what?

We have lived in our 3400 square foot house since the day it was finished being built close to ten years ago. It is a house that I designed personally years before with high hopes that one day I could live in it with my family. The one thing I never considered was taking better care of all the woodwork that I wanted. There is not one single piece of painted wood in the interior of this house. Everything was stained and sealed with a high gloss clear coat. I made an observation a few weeks ago which alarmed me a bit to say the very least. I was asked to dust, a task I have never done in this house because it is a chore split between my children still living at home. I never considered it to be a monumental task before attempting it myself. Before you hand me a tissue to wipe me tears just know that I do maintain, once a week all of the wood and tile floors. Did I mention there isn’t a stitch of carpet in the entire house? Besides, I was asked to dust the stuff that out of reach therefore out of sight. Example, the whole house is done with crown molding in every room including the pantries and all closets. It took some time cleaning all of that because I don’t think any of it has ever been touched since it was installed. I saw some sun damage to many pieces that get direct sunlight so I carefully removed them, taking them to my shop to be refinished. Once I was done I replaced each of the 46 pieces of crown molding in its original spot in the house. In between finishing the molding I continued cleaning. Once all the wood was cleaned, a task that took me a few days, about 30 hours total, I cleaned all of the 14 ceiling fans since their dust was standing out to me. I did take special time in the kitchen because oils from cooking tend to build up where one least suspects. And then, all of a sudden, I was done, it was over. After inspecting my work I decided to make me a big glass of ice water and have a rest in the hot tub outside. This was drained and cleaned last week so I was ready for a soak.

I think since I did not mention starting and/or finishing the cleaning to my wife she assumed it hadn’t been done yet. Yesterday she asked me ifni was going ton take care of it before this weekend. I am sure I had a bewildered look on my face after she asked. I explained, simply, that it was already done. She had a somewhat embarrassed look on her face when she said she didn’t know because I didn’t say anything. I explained I didn’t think there was anything to say. But that is the way things are, some are too busy to see their immediate surroundings unless something stands out irregularly. After a tour we sat at the bar in the kitchen where I showed her my “to-do” list and asked if there was anything she wanted to add. I got a grin and was told that it looks like I had it under control. She mentioned it would be nice if I did laundry as she giggled, reminding me that she would be damned if she would let a color-blind man anywhere near the laundry. Smart choice. So, anyway, when I woke up this morning and realized that my list was complete with the exception of “chores” around the house. It felt good knowing I took the time and accomplished what I had set out to do. As I sit here in my shop writing this I look around wondering when this place became such a wreck. Its on the list now. I will probably be working on the shop for a few days and when I am done it will be ready for the next project. No idea what it will be but since I have the time now it will probably be something off of that list. I have always wanted my own smokehouse out by the pond at the edge of the trees so maybe I will start that. I have allot of old oak planks I took from a barn demolition so I should be able to do it almost expense free. A project like this might be waiting another month or so until my son get about for the summer from school since he likes doing these kinds of things with me. He wants to learn “everything” I know so he can one day have a cool hobby too. He is great to work with and his brain is like a sponge. Usually it is shown or tell him once and that’s all it takes. So, always take time to take time because you never known when you might have the time once again.