Why So Fucking Serious?


If you ever want trouble, come between an addict and her coffee. If you ever want to witness a coffee meltdown, fuck up my wife’s order at the local coffee chain outlet near our home. Oh yes, it happened, and I write today to maybe help myself understand why coffee zombies, my wife included,  go from zero to ballistic in .000001 seconds when their overpriced coffee crack is not prepared in a manner of perfection fitting for their standards. But, before I tell you a little story, let me just re-address the fact that there are a handful of places I absolutely refuse to go because I can’t fucking stand the mere thought of going inside. I don’t go with my wife or for my wife, hell no, fuck that shit, the people that work in these places are fucking rude, anal, and have lost their damn minds. I tend not to promote things or places I detest, so we not say the names of a national chain of make-up stores, the mall, or the national chain of coffee stores be written about today. Y’all are smart, figure it out. Let’s just say I have almost been divorced twice for my refusal to enter particular places of business.

Anyway, my wife has a ritual, on paydays each month, she pays the coffee monsters big bucks so her cravings can be satisfied. This means she gets high dollar coffee crack four times a month and on other special occasions. The rest of the month she fakes it with the little brew cups and different flavoured creamers. So, I get looking forward to something. We all have things we like and look forward to having, but coffee drinkers are fucking different, very different. I know the week is drawing to a close because her claws and fangs become more pronounced. So, let me explain what almost sparked the spring skirmish of 2017.

Yesterday my wife is on her way to work, making the ritual pitstop to get her blah blah blah mocha fucked up size name coffee. After waiting behind 12 or so cars she tells the speaker box the kind of coffee she wants. She says it in a fashion to which one would believe he is witnessing a line from a foreign film being spoken. It’s almost erotic in a way, especially coming from a person who lives in southeast Texas and can neither speak or understood one word in Spanish. Needless to say, after money has exchanged hands and she goes to take her first sip, it the wrong coffee. These fools have given her a cup of coffee with another person’s name written on the side. Bastards! How dare they do this inconsiderate and uncaring thing to her. Instantaneously​ mad now, she wants the blood, the balls, and this motherfucker’s first born for this fuck up. The nerve!

Of course this has to be resolved in a lady like, very polite manner, and she is in such a big hurry that she returns to the line of cars which is twice as long now. It’s the principal I’m told, she should not have to go inside to unfuck their overpriced coffee mistake. I’m, okay then. Here’s the kicker, when she finally arrived at the window, the spoiled little cunt sees the cup with my wife’s name on it sitting there all lonely and actually tried to hand it to her. How dare this bitch try to give her a coffee that was carefully crafted a mere 23 minutes ago, I mean, really bitch? All sarcasm aside, that girl is lucky their hands never touched because my wife would have dragged her out of the little window and gave her a stern talking to. Now a manager has arrived on scene to diffuse the “altercation”. She solves this entire thing buy re-making her coffee, up-sizing it for her, even adding sprinkles and whipped cream, and the refunding her $6 plus dollars. To top it off, since she knows my wife is a long time loyal patron, she gives he a gift card in equivalence to 30 days of free coffee made in the manner she prefers. That’s the equivalent to just shy of a $200 value for those of y’all counting at home.

So, it’s all been taken care of, right? Wrong! Why? Because I get to hear about the whole fucking thing for a second time once she got home. Also, had to listen to her talk and angry text on her phone the rest of the night. Now, I know it seems as though I am petty and don’t care about her problems, but it’s just fucking coffee. Don’t ever try to tell a coffee person it’s just “coffee” and expect to survive. Now I get to fight with my wife because I failed to take all of this bullshit serious one little bit. Oh, trust me when I tell y’all that it has escalated beyond an “I’m sorry” at this point, there may be big trouble brewing now. I know I’m a bastard for not taking this seriously, but how can I?

The image above was borrowed from the internet, a Google search more specifically, and do not have permission to use it today, tomorrow, or any other day. Oddly enough, I Googled “coffee zombie” and it was one of the results. I liked the look and decided to use it. If it belongs to you and you can prove it in writing I will gladly give you credit or remove it upon your request.


Sometimes……………Life Gives You A Flat Tire

0000 flat-tireThe last thing I thought I would be doing this morning was changing a flat tire. I guess that is why it is such a surprise because one doesn’t expect it to happen. Well, it may always be in the back of our minds but we hope that it never happens. I would have to assume that most drivers aren’t thinking about it directly. Any way, while I was getting dressed to go to physical therapy this morning I get a panic phone call from my wife who is kind of hysterical. After getting her to take a few breathes she was able to calmly tell me she has a flat tire. I asked if she was off the road and in a safe place so she doesn’t get hit. She answered by telling me that she got the flat when she pulled into Starbucks to get a coffee. Which is ironic in a way because six months or so ago she got a flat at the exact same place doing the exact same thing. I should send Starbucks my bills. She tells me that she has not called USAA Roadside Assistance because I am much closer. Which, is a very true statement, I was less than five minutes away, if that. So, I finished dressing and headed over to change the tire. When I arrived I was surprised to see she had parked in a space pretty much out of the way. Luckily for me there were two spots on the her left side so I just parked in the middle of them to give myself some room to work since it was her driver’s side front tire which got the flat. Now, I don’t claim to be as fast as a NASCAR pit crew, in fact I am just the opposite, I like to do the task at a speed which is comfortable to me. I have learned that if a person rushes then they usually forget to do something or put something back. Since this is the second flat on her car and the last time was not too long ago I was familiar with where everything was and the whole drill.

0000 Starbucks_ZombiesAs I was getting the spare tire from the rear of the car, she has one that is on the back with a plastic protective cover, this man walked by and asked if I had a flat. I turned to him and said “nope, just checking out if this was a spare tire or not”. He gave me a snotty ass look and walked away. My wife gave me the “WHY” look and I told her he asked a stupid  question. So, I continue to go about getting the spare off and getting the jack and tools out to get started. After I loosened the lug nuts I began to jack the car up. To the side of me I hear “hey……you know you are in two spaces?’ I turned to her and told her “yes, I do know I am in two spaces, thanks for noticing” and then I turned back to jacking the car up. Before driving off she said “well, now I have to find a different spot farther away and surely it will make me late. I hope you happy!” Happy? Indeed. Your happiness is why I am here changing this tire. I mean, what a bitch. Don’t worry that I am here changing a flat. After a few minutes this 20’s something girl wearing a Starbucks shirt walks up to me to ask me how much longer I will be because she is getting complaints because I am parked across two spots and they have very limited spaces to begin with. The she asked if I knew what time of the morning it is and how busy they are. I’ve about had it. I looked at her and told her “That when I was done with my fucking picnic I would be sure to leave” and she turned to walk away. She mumbled some shit about her calling the cops. Okay, call the cops, why do I care. I carried on to remove the other tire and get the spare on. After I got it on I pulled the jack and went to the back of the car to put the flat in the spare tire’s spot. By now, I’m sweaty and my hands are dirty. I told my wife to wait for me because I was going inside to get washed up.

0000 starbucks_zombie

When I went into Starbucks I asked where the restroom was. I had it explained to me that the restrooms were for paying customers. At this point in time it was everything I could muster up not to come unglued on this bitch. Instead, I turned and went back out to the cars. I told my wife to follow me to the gas station so I could air up her spare. When we were done we both drove off, her to go to work and me to go to physical therapy. The whole drive I thought about this little tire changing episode and how much I actually hate the Starbucks Zombies. I understand having a habit since I smoke, but damn you don’t want to get in between a junkie and his coffee fix. Overall, I laugh at it all because it is pathetic that people flock to this mecca of coffee and don’t want any delays. Delays? I remind everyone I’m in a “boot” because I have to fractures in my left ankle, my whole life is a freaking delay because of it. Want to know what humors me the most? Not only did the people talk to me or bitch at me as well as drive by real slow gawking at what I was doing in “their” Starbucks parking lot, but not one damn person asked if I needed or wanted any help. I would have declined the help because I have zero problems changing a damn tire, but damn, nobody even asked. Is their fucking coffee that important that they can’t be human to another person without taking offense. Screw it all. What is done is done. As far as I am concerned it is all over. I just wanted to let y’all know I lost a little bit more faith in my fellow human beings today. I wake up every morning hoping my overall opinion of mankind will change for the better on that day and then bullshit attitudes like the ones I experienced today slap me in the face to tell me that kindness and thinking beyond yourself is too much to ask.

As a small housekeeping note, the pictures, graphics, and artwork were snatched from the internet using a Google search on the subject matter. I have no idea who they belong to so I can’t give credit. I am, however, grateful that they were available for download or else this post would be pretty boring to look at. Plus, it proves my theory and others in the world see the same thing I do when looking a Starbucks Zombie dead in the eye.