Suddenlink: Those Evil Fuckers

Suddenlink Complaints Department
1 Shiny Happy Street of Fluff
Fiery Depths of Soulless Hell, TX 66666

Dear Sir, Madam or Other Miscellaneous Corporate Child-eater:

I write today with a great burden upon me, for a mountain of regret threatens to press the very trust in humanity from the depths of my consumer drone lungs. For thou hast slain me – not by any tangible measure but in a way far more malicious … a way that stains my metaphysical blood deep into the scaly flesh of your greed-mangled claws. Oh Captain, my Captain… My King of Kings… Please smite me not, for I present to thee … a complaint to inquire what form of fuckery is going here in your twisted little world.

“Just sign the contract,” he crooned with great seduction, the brim of his heavenly blue cap perched upon the gnarled horns of a goat-hearted demon-agent of the great Satan himself. Oh, how I should have known.

I remember the day as if it were yesterday: the air thick with potential, honeysuckle and sulfur. He knew exactly where to hit me – knew my softest of soft spots. I fell powerless against the call of the multitude of Discovery channels and History channels I have always loved … drunk on the promise of having it every bit of it, all on-call at the press of a single button. And, oh shit, did you just say the Military channel is included? The palpitations, they did thus commence…

“Just hand me a pen!” I shouted with glee, as he delved deep into his pocket to retrieve a lump of black avarice with which to etch my mark. Oh, how I should have known…

For a time, I must confess, things could not have been grander. For I had entered into a contract with Corporate America for the provision of services… And Corporate America had contracted back. On a day such as this, fortune shone oh so bright.

And then, the skies darkened – metaphorically, of course, for this is still Texas and the welcome relief of cloud cover remains a taunting mistress indeed. Eagerly, I bound before the Altar of Truth, igniting its wisdom in a blaze of electric glory. But where were my favorite channels I have grown so fond of over the past several years?

Needless to say, vexation consumed me as I reached for my phone to call the caring harbingers of customer service. There must be some mistake. For I had contracted with Corporate America… And Corporate America had contracted back.

The gauntlet I faced was cold and lonely, populated with talking heads and mindless mouths, eerily chanting pre-programmed responses to inquiries not yet made. But through toil and diligence, I found my way, sweeping aside a final thicket of thistle to bask in the grandeur that is Caroline (in Billing).

Oh, hello Caroline… I was referred by Mouthbreathing Bob in your scheming sales department of demonic manipulators.

Humility descended upon me with the stifling calm of a warm blanket. I was in Her presence: the presence of Greatness. Caroline had no need to boast of Her own importance, for the brevity of Her tone spoke volumes in Her stead.

“But I have contracted with Corporate America,” I pled before Her almighty gavel of justice, “and Corporate America contracted back.”

“Channel changes happen,” Her heavenly voice rang down.

“Yes,” I cried with futility, “but did I not pay for said service? Have I somehow angered the Altar of Satan the Beast with my most benevolent of intent?”

“Channel changes happen,” She said once again.

“And yet, I pay all the same, sans the services withdrawn?”

“And you shall continue to do so, lest ye wish to face the fiery trials of The Penalty.”

I recoiled in dread. Had my brazen bravado cost me more than I had bargained for? But wait, that which I had bargained for now itself hung in limbo. The shower of confusion intensified…

My beloved was gone, never to return – held captive by a premium of superior rank than the premium with which I had acquired her.

But what of the contract with Corporate America, you likely ask? Needn’t even a Master of the Universe abide by the Cosmic Code of Law and Common Sense? Should not the unilateral rescission of services without recompense of consideration constitute breach and fraud, every bit as much as it would were the tables turned?

Or do you stand by your General, the Almighty Caroline (in Billing), shouting stalwart down the mountainside to we minion in the valley, “Screw you, walking wallets, we’ve already got your money. For you are bound by a contract with Corporate America … and channel changes happen”!

And there’s not a one single motherfucking thing you can do about it either, so quit your bitching and moaning, and just suck it up princess!

Is A Deal With Satan Very Practical?

Wait! Before we start reading and thinking thoughts for yourselves, let me take a few moments to explain. I was reminded of this post, which I wrote some six years ago in response to some Christian heckling and badgering I was being abused with and with what I was being accused of. It became personal, real personal because at the time I operated using my real identity, something I no longer choose to do. What was what I was being accused of? Since I don’t align myself with Christianity, Atheism, or any form of religion in my life, I must just be a straightup Satan worshipper who was put here on planet dirt to walk eternally without rest while I rape, pillage, and steal, to include soul snatching. I found out after the fact that it was a senior member of a local Catholic church trying to make a point with his flock of sheeple, nothing personal of course. Well, the very last post that I wrote on my angelfire blog and the introductory post when I started at blogspot is the one you will eventually read below because I just wanted to share.

Why bring it back from the dead know? Excellent question. Earlier today, while I was sitting at the bank pleading my case for a line if credit cash advance I was asked to fill out and sign many forms, guaranteeing repayment in a timely manner or they would be forced to close on title and deed which would be securing the loan. After reading the fine print and the print in bold, I chose to cancel the deal, which pissed off the banker because I wasted her precious time. It was at that moment I recalled this post about cutting deals with Satan and couldn’t wait to see if I could retrieve it from angelfire. So, no loan in exchange for my soul today, maybe I can pimp myself out, I’d fuck me for a couple of bucks for sure. But enough about me, enjoy the rest of the post, just remember it was written for fun, to spark a laugh, and to get people to think about what is actually important in their lives. Let this be the prime example of what can happen when, as a Catholic student, you are forced to read, memorize, and recite all things Christian and biblical because you can regurgitate it at will many years later with little to no effort at all. If y’all are ready, let’s proceed. By the way, the graphic at the end of the post, remains today the most “clicked” picture I have ever posted out of all three blogs. Do you dare click it? Do you roll the dice? I wonder what happens when you do. Happy reading.

C’mon, do it! Everybody’s doing it.

Welcome to the Sell Your Soul To Satan Online Portal. One of the most delightful facets of the internet is it’s commercial aspect, which allows consumers and vendors to easily link up in cyberspace to form any kind of desirable transaction. Previously, selling one’s soul to Satan has been a ridiculously inconvenient process, fraught with all varieties of difficulty. Now, with online vending, we are able to swiftly provide premium services to that lucky mortal seeking diabolic servitude. Today, we are able to provide more for less, due to the ingenious designs of our infernal president and CEO, Satan himself.

In past decades, merely trying to sell one’s soul was a prickly deal. Firstly, the complex technical knowledge of sorcery sufficient to elicit the attention of Satan has been so forbidding, that anyone capable of summoning Satan had very little need to actually do so, being able to obtain virtually everything else via dark magic. Secondly, pacts formed with, (unbeknownst to the mortal in question), unlicensed demonic tempters, often resulted in highly unsatisfactory pacts by both mortal and infernal standards. Thirdly, even demonic tempters licensed for seduction and glamour by Satan took a heavy cut out of the profit of the operation. So little was left over for Satan himself, that the miracles being offered became progressively flimsier, until finally it took three entire souls and a goat sacrifice to afford a night of sex with the celebrity of your choice. Fourthly, in this age of numerous contagious blood diseases, it was considered a potential violation of contract if for some reason an individual became ill by a chance contact with an infernal pact. Red ink was used very briefly, but it was deemed wise to let go of some traditions in order to capitalize on a rapidly expanding and forward-looking marketplace. Lastly, one can buy and sell anything on the internet for the right price.

These problems are no longer, because with online vending, Satan has cut out the middle entity and deals with you directly a few clicks of a mouse.

Damn good!

A great deal of misconception needs to be dealt with, as financial and spiritual dealings with Satan have gotten an undeserved bad rap. We suspect Christian infiltration at the highest levels. Firstly; temporarily laid off though he is, Satan is an Archangel and as such is totally incapable of lying. Secondly; Satan is largely responsible for the expulsion from Eden, which though fairly inconvenient for our distant ancestors, has since paved the way for our entire textile and fashion industries, among others. Thirdly; Satan did Fall because of the sin of Pride, and as such he is proud to serve you with unblemished professionalism and zeal. Fourthly; Satan understands the meaning of commitment, as he has continually provided his services and his institutions, with incomparable reliability for an ongoing two billion years. Few others have such impressive credentials.

Damned if you do.

Satan, being something of an expert in all of the reasonably well known vices, and well versed in the generalities of the more obscure ones, can provide your strangest fantasies at your merest whim. Nevertheless, tradition being what it is, one must be legally bound to Satan before the downpour of goodies begins. Over the years, a fairly straightforward (read: no fine print!) introductory pact has been developed to get one going down the road to happiness, fulfillment and eternal damnation, right away.

Introductory Pact

I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.

This Pact, binds me to the Eternal Darkness that is Satan in a manner as irrevocable as his fall into the realms of perdition. There, with my new master, I shall remain in torment and unforgiven until the end of the world.

In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.

I fully understand the consequences of the signing of this most unholy pact; I proceed willfully, cognizant of my coming privileges and debts. I furthermore promise to fulfill my debt punctually and without resistance, nor will I pray nor plead for my soul in any way, nor attempt to have others plead in my behalf. I confirm this in this covenant more tightly knit than the bonds of life and death. May the Prince of Darkness take pleasure in my gift and my betrayal, and use such to spread his reign further throughout the phenomenal world by annihilating the spiritual.

Optional Packages:

Satan takes great pleasure in serving his customers the most tempting delights imaginable. Though much is included in the Standard Pact, some customers will want something uncommon and specific. After all, not everyone can be President of the United States at the same time and this particular items does need to be regulated for the maintenence of good relationships with other merchants and corporations. Satan keeps a database of people in line for some of these privileged options, and provides them for individuals who have proven valuable, loyal customers.

Other packages are available to current customers merely for the asking, as the Beast (an affectionate term for our CEO we bandy about down here) is generous and loves giving perks to his minions. We find that his bestowal of perks, particularly those which extend the customers’ capacity to sin more emphatically and with greater pride, strengthens the client-vendor relationship in unparalleled ways.

Here is a sampler of the most common “freebie” packages:

A Night of Play and Fantasy: Compensating for scheduling constraints of providing movie stars and fashion models as playthings, the demonologists at Inferno Industries have developed a succubus (and incubus) able to accurately simulate the olfactory, visual, auditory, tactile and gustatory sensations of any person living or dead. Now, without the embarassing smalltalk, you can live out your fantasies with famous actors, actresses, models, artists, historical figures, porn stars, fictional characters, and even people from your own life.

Tickets to the Annual International Black Mass and Satanic Orgy: You can be a celebrity guest at the most exclusive and fun party in the world. Movie stars, rock musicians, champions of industry, religious leaders, witches, vampires, and politicians mingle with famous (and fascinating) demons like Astaroth, Baal, Lilith, Belial, Azazel, Marchosias,  Gumby, and Oprah. At midnight, the throats of thirteen virgins from a diversity of third world countries are slit, and the participants disrobe to fornicate amidst oceans of silk pillows and goblets of wine mixed with virgins blood.

Membership to the Secret Vatican Council: Many individuals are still unaware that Satan’s holding corporations have had a major controlling interest in the Vatican bank since 1946; fairly easy to do since Satan can produce pure gold and precious minerals at a breathtaking speed. What even fewer are aware of is that in the race to form a worldwide conspiracy to match the imaginations of pulp horror authors, Satan was shrewd and bought out someone else’s. This was done entirely behind the scenes, as an alteration in the name or logo of the Roman Catholic Church might slightly interfere with customer loyalty, and thus revenues.

The Roman Catholic Church, partially responsible for the dark ages, instigating the mass executions and torture of countless dissenters, fomenting wars of all varieties, and bent on worldwide religious monopoly, is also a highly aggressive financial institution; having allowed the purchasing of indulgences, and both encouraged and coerced hefty donations from the most seriously impovershed peoples of the world. Its tradition of deceit, brutality and corruption goes back for nearly two millennia, making its transition to diabolic managment policies fairly painless. They are a fine addition to our family of companies.

Now, you can help define the fanatical, reactionary and idolatrous ideologies of the oldest theocratic conspiracy in the western world. Membership in the Secret Vatican Council gives you a brand new identity as a high ranking official in the Vatican heirarchy, with vague and easy-to-abuse powers, and a fearsome reputation. Our fostering of the spurious doctrine of the divine buggery has become a great success story, as thousands of previously celibate officials and religious leaders have found Heaven in each other’s body cavities and those of perplexed choirboys. If you are inventive, have a sadistic streak a mile wide, and enjoy costumes, this option may just be for you.

The Power of Mind Control: You too can join the ranks of Svengali, Rasputin, Mesmer, and the Reverend Jim Jones by becoming a master of telepathic mind control. Fun at parties, but most intriguing for soliciting one night stands and commanding enemies to dry hump the third rail on subway tracks, this freebie option is as potent as the imagination of its possessor.

Black Toad Abortifacients: The one true “morning after pill”, Black Toad has been bringing to consumers the most sophisticated and diabolically correct contraception since 803 A.D.! By applying a pair of attractive skin patches one week (or more) after union, you or your female companion will destroy the embryo and send its soul to Hell for transformation into a familiar spirit for aspiring witches.

Always recycle.

Pollution kills vegitation and wildlife, and Satan is ecologically minded; particularly so when it comes to serpents, spiders, apple trees, belladonna, black cats, goats, sharks, fire ants, hornets, locusts, wolverines, wolves, rats, blood flukes, killer bees, leeches, feral dogs, scorpions, and komodo dragons.

So, click the link below (graphic) to get the ball rolling so you can swiftly become everything you ever desired or lusted for. Go ahead, click it now.

These Creatures Stalk The Nights

Just when I thought I had been away long enough that it wouldn’t make a difference any longer I was quickly proven dead wrong. I went ahead and accepted a temporary bartending position at Club X while the management attempts to fill the vacancy. As much as I didn’t want to I bit the bullet and went in last night. This time I had terms because I had no intention of making this permanent again. As my 10-99 was already on file with Club X all I really needed to do early yesterday afternoon was go in and sign some paperwork and give them a current copy of my contractors liability insurance policy. The contract is for 60 days and states I will only be required to work 10 hours a night for two nights a week, Wednesdays and Thursdays, beginning on 11 June 2014. Employee will be paid at the end of his shift each Thursday at the agreed rate of $900.00 per day equalling, but not limited to $1800.00 per pay period. Employee will not tip out 35% of tip proceeds to the bar or the house, employee will keep all tip proceeds, paid out in cash, each night. In the event employee exceeds the agreed 20 hours weekly the employee will be compensated at the rate of $135.00 per additional hour. Employee is required to provide his own transportation and will be compensated at the rate of $1.61 per mile to include the distance traveled in each direction to fulfill the terms of this contract. After reviewing the contract I signed and dated it, made me copy, and headed home for a nap because it was going to be a long fucking night.

All of this was discussed with my wife over the weekend and we agreed that I could do it for the next 8 weeks but “prefers” I do not accept anything permanent afterwards. The money will be nice and it will help but I wondered if it was all worth doing over again. I remember clearly why I chose to stop being a bartender at a full nude strip club and as I rode into “work” I almost talked myself out of even going. Plus, it was a nice evening to ride and I was enjoying my tour through Houston. I did go, I followed through with the obligation I agreed to, what the hell, just roll the dice. After parking my Goldwing in the back of the club I smoked a quick cigarette while I stripped off my leathers in preparations to go inside. Ready. Set. Go. I had a part of a song stuck in my head that was so fitting to me walking through the doors of Club X, “you’re a crazy bitch but I like the way you fuck me so I’m on top of it”. Exactly. This was like I imagine it would feel if I were ever to have taken my psycho cunt ex-wife back when we were just separated. She tried hard, in the end, to fuck me ways I never dreamt she was capable of. Because for 12 years I always got the impression it was a ” obligatory chore” she performed. In the end it was actually like she wanted to be there and actually liked me a little. But, it was a game I was not going to play, the end. Similar to my leaving the club, I was tired of the lies, the drama, and the bullshit that came with being a bartender there.

I quickly was reminded that the “scenery” inside the club was always fantastic and generally could make a man forget his problems outside the walls of the club. But I don’t have problems outside I am trying to forget or drown, all if mine, all of my fears, were inside the club, and as I walked to the bar I tried not to focus in the past. Instead, I was greeted by Grace, a friend I had here who remembered me quite well. Nothing beats being greeted but a completely nude 5’11” stunning brunette with sweat dripping off her glistening body. All I am saying is it was a very pleasant surprise which actually was a great distraction. She was assigned to be my assistant at the bar, meaning she was assigned to the stage that also is my bartop and will entire customers to not only try new drinks but to enjoy them served in a different way, something that disappeared when I did. If you are new, curious, or can’t remember, you can search this blog’s bartender stories which some explain in graphic detail the way shots/drinks get served some times. But, because it plays into this night I will explain it some. Imagine Grace on her back, laid across the bar, legs spread while her ass is propped up with her hands, providing me with the perfect “cavity” to pour the ingredients of a Texas Tea, topped off with a orange slice, drink umbrella, a a straw for sipping. That is a $75.00 drink ensemble (interactive drink with personal show) and it began an onslaught of repeats. We did 73 of these drinks with a variety of drinks. Which means money for me and Grace, $13.00 goes to the bar, $50.00 goes to Grace, and the remaining $12.00 goes to me. Which means I picked up an additional $876.00 in tips I wasn’t expecting and she got over $3600.00 for letting drinks be sipped out of her tiny little vagina.

Eventhough these ensemble drinks keep me busy I also had to do my actual job. It was a fast paced night, I hope the rest of the nights I will be working fly by so fast. Plus, the extra money in tips will work out nicely as well. Maybe my fears are because I left on a bad note before, being burnt out has a negative effect on my attitude, but I think I might be able to tolerate this all the way through. We’ll see, since only time can really tell. Anyway, I’m going to be fishing for a while longer. After 2 hours of sitting here I have had two bites, maybe they are playing hide and seek today.

Why Not A Red Solo Cup?

Hours before the federal government was shut down and 800,000 federal employees were furloughed over the budget impasse, the State Department awarded a $5 million, multi-year contract to Simon Pearce, a Vermont-based specialty glassmaker, for the production of custom, hand-blown crystal stemware and barware for its embassies. The State Department’s solicitation for its fancy new glasses claims that the “United States international relations, national interest and success are, in part, built upon the ability of our ambassadors to entertain host country nationals in our embassies and residences abroad”.

And so the State Department is very particular about its glassware standards—in addition to glassware that is “free of imperfections” and sold in “high end retail department stores” like “Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue, Bergdorf Goldman,” the winning glassware was required to produce “a sharp high-pitched resonant sound when tapped with a metal object, such as a fork or spoon” and be emblazoned with the Department of State seal. If only the State Department was as particular about the performance of its programs as it is about entertaining dignitaries and diplomats.

Yes, Vermont residents can be proud of their Democratic Senator who supported wasteful spending by a federal department in Washington; taxpayer money these Vermont residents contributed to the federal waste pot along with the rest of us. While I understand it is important to have nice stemware and china at our embassies in order to host diplomats and dignitaries from other countries, $5 million dollars for custom crystals and barware is very extravagant.  It boils down to an average of $416.67 for each piece.

I’m sure my simple economic solution to their extravagance would be laughed at as kings and nobles tend to view any idea or opinion by a simple redneck as unworthy of contemplation.  Such is the state of our government at the present time.  Refreshments and drinks must taste better when served in custom stemware and barware.  I, personally, would not know since being a redneck from southeast Texas, we sometimes partake in our drinking indulgences using red Solo cups.

Information found for this “Your Tax Dollars @ Work” post was done by using a Google search. Information compiled from multiple public websites & media outlets.