This Squirrel Needs A Caption

First of all I would like to thank every single person who submitted a caption or ten in the last captioning contest. As everyone saw with that one, a real living, breathing person came up with a truly unique caption and won the grand prize. Thank you Jayme for being our latest winner!

_20150929_154742

What is the prize for the winning caption you ask? It’s nothing, there is no actual prize for you to hold in your hands. However, the winning caption will be put on the picture shown here, then a winning post will be created here displaying your name, your blog’s name, and a link to your blog. What do you have to do to play? Simply leave your caption and your and a way to contact you if you are the winner in the comments below. The winning caption will be chosen next Friday morning, 02 October 2015.

Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel

Man oh fucking man where do I even begin to describe what has been happening? There has been a major influx of ranting and raving about something I made up supposedly but never actually made up except to have some fun. I won’t self gratify in front of others by posting links to past posts which are referenced to quite a bit in these messages from people with allot of butthurt recently. It would seem that many who read the posts here on this blog have got the wrong impression. I have written my fair share posts about religion here on this blog, that’s a true statement, and the reader is always left to assume what my true motive of doing so really is, also a true statement. But, make one single fucking reference to the Church of Scorpion, and it was a single one time small reference, along with joining The Scorpion Army (fan club), and all of a sudden I am the leader of a non-existent cult religion that needs to be overthrown by all the government recognized religions. When did this fucking happen. Yes, I made a sign on the computer at a sign generator web site in the likeness of a very recognizable kind of sign, a sign not too different from the marquee signs seen out in front of many churches which are filled with upcoming events and even quoted scripture. But never, not even once have I said I started a religion or this is the actual marquee for the building we would worship in.

But, like always, lets take it to the next level, lets take it to the extreme, lets make things into something they are not to fit your pathetic needs. Is the fact that I discuss religion in the light that I do a threat to who you believe in or how you choose to believe? The answer you seek is no, don’t be such a butthurt dumb fuck. As you will read, and fans of this blog will need to brace yourselves, because you are being attacked and called names as well. True readers of this blog know I post about many topics, from A to Z, but seriously, how can someone ever gather I have started my very own religion. I post the picture again for the purpose of reminding you what was posted originally. I assure y’all it was done in sarcastic humor, there isn’t a secret underground church somewhere in my backyard or even in my dark, twisted imagination. Below you will see/read a few of the emails I received lately, they remain untitled and anonymous for a reason. They are unedited and unfiltered, so make sure you are wearing your rose colored glasses. If you make it to the end of this post you will be able to read some follow up which might just help you make sense of it all, or not, your choice.

_20150604_143846

———— Beginning Of Messages —————————————

You are the most sick, fucked up, twisted, inbreed, stupid son of a fucking whore bitch I have ever seen in my entire life. You need to seek mental help. I think you have smoked to much crack and done to much acid. Although you do have a right to start a new religion, BUT, your religion is not recognized by the government simply because it is purely fucking stupid. You will burn in fucking hell the rest of your god damn life you piece of shit fucking inbreed fuck!

—————————————————————————–

I’m ont going to go all ape shit on you because I’m a firm beliver of people chosing their own religions or lack of one. HOWEVER I do find if ofencive when you make a mockery of other religions, be it christianity, buddhism, judaism, etc. so I think it fair that you respect other people’s belifes and not posting material that INTENTIONALY offends other people,

——————————————————————————

What exactly do you think you are going to prove? it’s just disrespectful to other human being’s faiths and beliefs, and I’m sure all people should know u can’t put any sense into say a devout christian. Honestly, what your doing is the equivalant of making a rude, sarcastic joke to a child that doesn’t understand humor. u cant tell a christian thats been raised from birth to believe that there’s a magic man in the clouds that he’s wrong. you’ll just get what uve been getting, hate mail, and death threats. God is the equivalant of santa exept the child is never told he isn’t real until it’s to late. and u think your doing a good thing by making up this church of scorpion crap to prove how absurd the idea of god is. what i don’t think u understand is that u cant argue with idiots about this stuff as most christians are dont know a thing about science. (I apoligize to all respectable christian scientists). As an athiest, im disgusted what youre doing. (yes ive read your blog). Really, did it ever, or does it ever occur to you that these people are actually human being’s with family’s and feeling’s, and just because they think the world was created  differantly than you, you have to mock them,  that’s kind of a dick move you asshole. Your being no better than they are (religious people) by making fun of and disrespecting other people just ’cause they think differantly than you. What do you worship, satan himself? Which means I have the right to ridicule you on how stupid your dumb-fucking religion is and don’t deny that you worship the all mighty satan king, because your the leader of the church of scorpion. With the true words of your religion written cryptically throughout your blog. It’s ironic that you, by trying to prove how bad religion is, go about it by you yourself inbodying everything that is wrong with human beliefs. You are everything that is wrong with religion. You go around acting all superior and pompus, like you know better than everyone else and tell them why there wrong mockingly. The world would be a better place if you took all your “followers” (scorpion minions) got on a pirate ship and ate scorpion shit until you all died of overeating. Have you ever heard the term live and let live? I love it how  you post all the hate mail you get on your page to be ridiculed by your cronies ( who by the way need to get off the internet and do something productive). Yes we the the bible huggars are gonna say dumb stuff because they’re uneducated. But that doesn’t mean you have to be immature and make fun of their faults so just lay the fuck off. Even though this message sounds hostile just know I agree with what your’e trying to do (i think) educating people, I just wholly disagree with how you are going about it.

My personal response was as follows: It’s not my intention to mock or offend anyone. But I realize people sometimes feel mocked or offended and I’m okay with that fully. It might be fair to say that I am disrespectful.  I would agree that I don’t respect the notion that religion should sit on a pedestal.  I don’t think that because an action is explained in the context of religion it is exempt from the scrutiny it otherwise would have been subjected to.  Religion is not a free pass for crazy fucking fairy tale ideas and crazy actions. I would agree that it’s not my place to pass judgment on those who see the world through a lens of religion.  But neither is it my place to ignore when personal belief becomes public action.  I can accept that some choose to teach their kids the earth is only 6000 years old and that dinosaurs are a myth.  But if they push for those ideas to be taught in our schools, it’s no longer a question of respecting personal belief. The idea that rational minded people must be anti-religion is a wrong one, I think. If we must draw a line to divide ourselves, I’d prefer the line be positioned between reasonable and unreasonable people, rather than religious and non-religious people. It’s one thing to see the world through a lens, and another thing to act as if it’s the only lens that can exist.

——————————————————————————

I spent a while thinking of a good reply, in general in concern of your blog, without sounding like some sort of inbred hick or perhaps maybe to get your attention. However, I realize that there pretty much is no way for that to happen, if you put this in your hate-mail section, I’ll probably be mocked just as much as the next guy who chooses to criticize your new religion. I’m OK with that, I just wish people will actually think about what I have to say rather then ignorantly mocking what I believe personally. Whatever may happen, I don’t really mind, except that I cannot bring myself to be silent on this issue.

I am a Christian, whatever you may think about me, or absurd assumptions you may have about what I look like, think like, or speak like, realize this, I think all beliefs should be treated with equality. Atheism, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Agonist, Voodoo, The Church of Scorpion, whatever, I don’t care, if you believe that you are correct, then you have every right in the world to believe that with all your heart, and nobody should force you to believe what they believe. Now I also believe in open criticism of any of these religions, meaning your Church of Scorpion view that openly mocks religion. However, it is also my right to criticize the criticism, meaning though while I believe it is your right to mock, harass, and generally make religious persons miserable, I don’t believe it is morally right.

Atheism is a belief just as much as Christianity. Say whatever you want about facts and how religion is stupid and all those who practice it are all idiots, but it still comes down to the fundamental truth that you must believe this to be more true over the other option. I am again, completely fine with that, and that is why I love America so much, because we CAN believe differently then one another, and still live peacefully (to a degree) together. However, mocking is not the right way to go about arguing your belief.

    By the way, here is the definition of mocking:

1. Tease or laugh at in a scornful or contemptuous manner.

2. Make (something) seem laughably unreal or impossible.

To laugh at someone else’s belief that they dedicate their lives to is not funny or humorous, but I believe is rather childish and immature. This is the main reason why I would much rather sit down calmly with someone and have a rational discussion about each other’s beliefs, instead of smacking them in the face with a bible, and shouting how they are going to hell for not believing the undeniable truth that is the bible, or worse, calling their belief idiotic and getting my group of friends together and laughing and pointing in his face.

Of course there are people that do this, hence, you, and there will always be people like you. My job is try to convince you to be rational and discuss each others view points. I could never put myself in your mindset and read this the same way through your eyes. To you, I just look like another idiot who took this too seriously and decided to write a concerned letter and waste his time trying to teach you to be respectful, but the truth is, writing this helps me put my thoughts in order anyways. If you do have one ounce of thought for my beliefs, at least view this email with respect, and try to think about what I am thinking.

What I am thinking is that the joke has gone too far. Of course this email asks for intelligent discussion, and that seems to have never existed on your blog, so before I go, let my put it into a language you might understand.

Fuck you, and lay off religion asshole.

—————————————————————————–

You are a sick twisted motherfucker and you are an absolute fraud to the highest degree. It’s obvious to me that you don’t give a shit about you’re so-called religion. I am not even that christian but this blog makes me sick. You have no right to start a religion or should I say cult.  People need to think for themselves they don’t need to listen to your bullshit nonsense. I am not even that christian but at least they are trying to help people. What are you trying to do, make money and fill your church with alcohol and with full nude strippers? Do you charge a cover to get it? What is the price, what remains of their souls? That is the most stupid thing I ever heard. I hope the government shuts you down and takes you’re money. Suck it jackass motherfucker cult bitch.

My response was simple. I stated I have started nothing and never claimed to start anything. Nothing has made the grand total of zero dollars because nothing exists because it was a fucking figure of speech giving an example.

——————————————————————————

You sicken me with the fact that you now have my best friend believing in your stupid, sick, blasphemous crap you call a religion! I can tell you what it really is, BLASPHEMOUS, MADE DURING A DRUG BINGE, IDOLATRY THAT WILL HAVE YOU BURNING IN HELL OR ON THE TABLE AFTER THE LAST WAR!!!! I am furious about the fact that there is a religion DEVOTED to SIN OF ALL THINGS! If you don’t change you and all your followers will be in a special place in hell just for IDOL WORSHIPPING, SIN LOVERS LIKE YOURSELF!!! You disgust me and I hope you see the truth before it’s too late.

——————————————————————————

While I am not of your “religion”. I will not trash your blog like the majority of the blundering baboons around here, instead I am here to support not your religion, but your attempt to keep religion honest. The constitution gives the people not only of freedom of religion but freedom from it.

I am a Hindu and have an open mind to virtually all religions. I know that this religion is not a real religion; but an attempt to show the errors and flaws of most organized religion and those who support it’s full integration into state affairs. I support your attempt to show how religion has become very commercial and corrupt in its mere existence. The majority of people ranting on your blog are not venting against the concept of religion, but against your satire and blatant disrespect of their religion.

Yet, I must warn you not to take this to far. It might push some maniac over the edge and cause them to grab a gun and go after you. This has happened in the past throughout history. Thus, I propose that you put somewhere on your front page of the blog that this is not an actual religion but an attempt to keep religion honest from corruption. That is all, thank you.

My response: I take issue with the idea of so calledreal religion, as if such a thing can be defined and agreed upon.  I’ve said it in the past and I still believe strongly that there is no classification of religion without agenda.  I don’t expect mainstream religion (or a government influenced by mainstream religion) to see my words to be anything more than a joke, a way to get them to look at the reality behind their beliefs. As always, my blog will be seen in terms that serve their purpose and not my own. I comment the way I do because I am rational and reasonable and I’m not driven by any particular dogmatic thinking.  I’m an individual who rejects the concept of faith-over-reason, or indoctrination. Why does humor invalidate your beliefs?  I see this argument all the time and don’t understand it. Not everyone gets it, but again, that is the point. I tend to reject the lowest common denominators about organized and commercial religions in favor of common sense thinking. Is it just that mainstream religion is so utterly humorless?  Most religious people I know have a great sense of humor but I think they would agree that the institution of religion is rigid and stifling.  There are obvious areas where it’s not ok to make a joke.  One of the creepiest things I find about religion is that feeling that everyone is trying to act very serious. While I understand that not everyone will get what I’m doing here and why I do it, it’s not my intention to offend, but everyone takes offense so easily, it’s you’re and their choice.

——————————————————————————-

I saw your blog and it just amazes me how delusional you are, you are trying to create a delusion around the world. A sick joke gone wrong really, its really sad that you are so completely obsessed with brainwashing. This whole religion is of hate and defies all logic, rational thought, and it shatters common sense completely. You’re lousy evidence doesn’t cut it either. Its not even slightly sane that you write what you write. I bet if a Scientologist and a mutated Christian extremist had sex, the offspring would be a YOU.

——————————————————————————

I can appreciate a good joke as much as any other guy.  But there’s a difference between making a joke and insulting other people.  When you begin to bring in specific religious practice or condemnations for not doing as the religion “requires,” that becomes an insult.  Think of it this way: your blog is actually great, but what’s the point of bashing on religions?  It directly says to others that if you don’t believe what I tell you, you’re wrong. Yes, I’m a Christian, no I don’t believe most of the things in the church’s past were okay.  I simply choose to believe that there is a God, and if anybody has any questions about my faith, I’ll be happy to answer and guide them if that’s what they want.  If they believe otherwise, I’ll allow them to stay that way, because there’s nothing I can do to force their belief.  All I’m really saying is, think about what purpose each thing you say serves, and whether it’s taking it a step too far, which I think you have personally.

So, I replied with saying the point of this blog is not to offend, but understand it is bound to happen.  I’m really not anti-religion and many readers here are active members in mainstream religions. Part of what I do here is question ideas considered rude to question. I think it’s a dangerous situation for institutions and ideas to be above scrutiny.  Christians often threaten nonbelievers with THEIR hell-place for various sins or sinful lifestyles – either explicitly, or indirectly, or in a judging veiled-friendliness sort of way.  But nonbelievers DON’T BELIEVE IN YOUR HELL.  Aside from the fact that I find it offensive the idea that I need a rulebook to define my morality, it is a strange proposition to be invited to believe in scripture in order to be saved from a consequence of it.  So, understand that around here there is an effort not to offend people, but at the same take a hard look at the strange business of religion.

—————————————————————————–

I saw your retarded fuck of a bastard blog and asked myself “why?” but then, there are a lot of crackheads in the world, and you seem to be one of the more insane ones. This is a joke blog, right? Can you honestly tell yourself that you truly believe in this load of shit you spew regularly? For your own health, I ask you to stop whatever the fuck you’re smoking.

——————————————————————————

Wow, what a scam you have used to set yourself up with money and Im guessing fame and all the stupid bimbos and other trappings it all brings. Just remember, since there is no god or religion there is nothing wrong with killing some low life, “educated” or not (or any other act). As an exemplar of life without a God, there is nothing keeping people from acting out against others in any capacity other than the relatively obscure chance of being caught. I personally believe in God. I like to think that I am held responsible at a higher level than what man does. I do like to think there’s more. I hope you pay for your actions sooner or later in life. I’m sure you will at some point.

So, I replied….    The majority of Christians who email understand general purpose here and the purpose is not to mock them as individuals. Most Christians who I’ve talked to see problems with organized religion and the abuses and fraud that get tied up with faith and power. For the most part I think I do a good job of turning down the volume of what I really think, and I think that’s a healthy thing. Just as Christians have a few members who will be riled enough to write nasty emails to me, there will times I get riled enough to respond in kind. But the majority of the time I’m pretty reasonable and rational.

——————————————————————————–

This is the most fucking pathetic excuse for a blog I think I’ve ever encountered. Why do you have to make fun of my religion, and others? Seriously, stop making fun of other religions. Okay, you are the most twisted, racist fucking bastard on the planet. Why, do you have to make fun of other religions? Probably because you want to just kick back and laugh at other people, and bash them. That’s why. Your version of heaven sucks huge fucking dicks. I don’t want strippers in heaven because they are all nasty as fuck. You aren’t even trying, and your version of Hell is the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard of. When you’re already DEAD it doesn’t FUCKING MATTER. Fuck you sir, don’t be suprised when you die if you burn in Hell, because I am a solid Christian and I am praying for you, and I really hate that you have to MOCK other religions. You are very sick, and I hope that you burn in Hell. Don’t be suprised if you get sued for being such a TWISTED FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!

——————————————————————————–

It is disheartening at least and sickening at worst that you sought to make a blog solely to promote your foolish beliefs, serious or not. Let’s see your lack of deity save your soul and work miracles. I am sincerely concerned for your sanity, but I don’t give a damn if God strikes you dead. How dare you mock the Father in such a manner? To be atheistic is expected, as humans have little faith for what cannot be seen. But to mock the religions of others? That is to stoop lower, into the depths of Hell itself. You are hardly worthy of being Satan’s pet pig. Swine. Nothing more than something to be sneered at for smelliness. You and your so-called followers sicken me.

—————————————————————————–

After reading some of the posts on your blog, I have come to the conclusion that you aren’t so concerned with the question of why you are here but rather in proving that your existence is without meaning and therefore does not qualify itself to be questioned. Congratulations! You are meaningless. So what do we do now that we’ve settled that little philosophical debate? Are you up for a drinks and strippers or should we just stand still still until the next random event pushes us in some direction?

—————————————————————————–

You poke fun at God and are a disgrace to him and religion. You need to repent and ask for his forgiveness. You should be ashamed of the trash you write and your completely unfunny sarcasm. God has reserved a special place for people like you and it is in a very warm climate, and you will be on vacation for eternity. You will have allot of company with you and that is your so called fans. May God have mercy on all of your souls !

———— End Of Messages ———————————————

And here is where I make the choice to end it all, well not all, but this small sampling is the fun shit that has been emailed or sent as comments to different posts I have presented over the last few weeks. There are 196 more that generally all say the same thing, these just stood out in their originality so I decided to share. Such a small percentage of posts here are religion related but those are the ones that people get butthurt about. As far as my so called religion or my so called church, I don’t get how idiots can get that idea in the first place. My writing is, at most, pretty fucking sarcastic, I just write about my opinions, and bullshit like this makes me question my own motives as well as the motives of the people who read this blog. Perhaps we should try reading the non religious themed posts to get a better idea of what I really think. This blog is an illusional mirror of life, not just mine, but yours too. All I’m saying is we all make choices, some people come here with the intent to complain and others come here to see what they know I offer, which isn’t much, but at times can be very revealing, no pun intended. So, my message to the haters is to lighten up or piss up a rope in a south wind.

And for the final time, I have formed NO religion, NO cult, and NO church. You have misinformed your self looking through life with that single lens. I don’t hate your religion, I just want to be a part of your religion and I want it to be outside of my life in general. But, by all means, twist that around as well, because that is what I’ve come to expect. If you made it to this part of the post, thanks for hanging in there, I hope you didn’t choke on anything on your way down to the bottom here. Until next time, be safe and be kind. Or, just do whatever it is you fucking do.

Twas The Weekend Before Christmas

Over the years we, meaning my wife and I, have found that Christmas shopping, as we know it, is usually done well before black Friday ever arrives. This year, being no different, we (she) was done, but then again, we don’t buy much for too many people, usually just the kids and my granddaughter. So, for fun, keeping with our little “family tradition”, we always go to the Katie Mills Outlet Mall the last weekend before Christmas. Why? If we have no need to go why go, is that what y’all are asking? Its easy, since we don’t have a “need” to be there or go there it makes it “fun” for a people watcher like me. My wife, on the other hand, likes to go be amongst her people, shoppers in a frantic, and just see if there are any five for one specials at Bath & Bodyworks. It also gives us a chance to go into Fredrick’s of Hollywood, since Victoria’s Secret has been sucking hind tit for the last ten years or so, because she loves to buy lingerie even though it ends up on the floor in a heap after five minutes, but it does keep things interesting wondering what she is wearing under her hoodie footies this time of year. Have I ever mentioned we don’t buy each other presents, we never have. But, she always buys some very interesting lingerie and then gives me a fashion show of sorts. Its all good clean fun. Every year, since the beginning, we go out, I give her my ideas, say ten to a dozen, then she buys what she wants, then I’m surprised. The cool thing about the Fredrick’s of Hollywood out there is that it does not make them (employees) uncomfortable when I’m in the changing room, try that at a Victoria’s Secret, it isn’t going to happen.

_20141223_154108

So, we unleash our kids on the mall, giving them a rally time, and my wife and I go to all her favorite stores, this is the perfect time to try on clothes, especially because we both know we’re just “window shopping”. We hit about fifteen of the big brand name places, you know the ones, they are jam packed with crazies that are only at number two on their list of many. Its fun to watch the feeding frenzy knowing that we are only really there to run interference and give grief to those ladies trying to just get through one more day. You would think at our age we could find better ways to spend our time or have better things to do, but we don’t, this is what we do for fun, free entertainment is always a great deal in my book. Hell, we even wait in line to see Santa Claus, kidless of course, where we both sit on Santa’s lap at the same time. And, no, we don’t spend the $39.89 for the cheesy picture either. This year I think ol’ Santa was trying to cop a feel on my wife, his hands weren’t always in view, and my wife isn’t talking. Anyway, this year’s wait was only 38 minutes. Again, its just something we do, and we have never been told NO by Santa either. We cannot say the same about the Easter Bunny, this year she was a bitch and told us she didn’t take pictures with adults. She wouldn’t even just let my wife, all 109 lbs of her, sit on her precious lap. Hey, we take it when we can get it. I have always wondered what kind of person wants, therefore makes a choice to do so, to dress up as a seasonal character for the sole purpose of have kids ride your lap. Seems kinda creepy to me, but I’m just saying.

Eventually we wound up at Fredrick’s of Hollywood. I determined this year that their goal was to make slutty lingerie available to everyone, I don’t remember seeing any 5X sizes last year. Which was a bitch this year because we were having a difficult time finding anything in a small/medium. My wife has an issue you see, petite 5’2″ body but 34DDD chest. Yes, I’m lucky, I get that, but it is a pain in the ass as well because sizes which should fit her don’t without blowing the buttons off. Anyway, the shame of what I’m trying to say is it would appear the market for lingerie has changed. No, I don’t have a problem with that fact, but places should remember that there are still some petite women out there in the real world who need to buy clothes for work and play. And no, so just keep your comments to yourself, I don’t have an issue with plus size women, that wasn’t the point I was making, I was merely mentioning that in this store particularly, I have never seen anything above the XL size. So, to sum up, its the same small ass store, but their inventory for people my wife’s size has dropped considerably. Yes, everyone should have the same shopping opportunities when shopping for slutty lingerie, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of reducing the quantity of smaller sizes in all their options. Anyway, I could go on and on and on but there are other things to talk about. I will say one thing about women knowing what size they wear, most of them don’t. How can that be? Why does a person who wears 3X clothing normally think that because its lingerie she could maybe make a medium fit? Yes, I did witness this first hand, because she stepped out of the changing room in the medium to ask her significant other if he thought she needed a large. Guess what his answer was. I don’t know personally, because we were gone shortly afterwards.

We had some jean shopping to go do, yes to actually buy if they had her style and size, again, we have found many places don’t carry size “0” anymore unless you order it online. However, lucky for us we did get instant purchase gratification at her two favorite stores. My wife is simple when it comes to jeans, she wears two brands, one being Guess and the other being Rockies. The hard part for her is picking what color and/or shade that tickles her fancy this year. Lucky for me, she doesn’t mind wearing the tight jeans, nothing against baggie jeans, but her preference is wearing them tight. I tell her either way is fine, I have for years, but in the end she always goes for the tight look because she likes it and she knows I like it as well. The western store has an interesting flow of customers, it goes in every direction. This is where our afternoon got interesting. We had made our way through the herds of people, we made our way through the racks, and we waited in line for her to get a changing room. Fucking place has 25 changing rooms for the women, 8 for the men, out of the 25 changing rooms they were only using 11 for the women and 2 for the men. When her turn came after 28 minutes she begins her ritual, try on a pair, step out to look in the octagonal surround mirrors, come give me a good look, and slink away back into the changing room for the next round, each round takes 7 to 8 minutes for her. On her second trip out she caught this kid, I say kid, early twenties, checking her out, game on, now she turned up the heat, now its time to fuck with the punk. Although she will never admit to doing it, I can see it, I’ve been checking out my wife’s ass for 16 plus years, I know when she is strutting a little harder than normal. About the time he had his tongue down on the carpet I watched his wife/girlfriend/significant other (so hard to tell these days, nobody wears wedding rings anymore) slap him across the face and asked what in the holy fuck did he think he was doing checking someone else out. Ok, sure, there’s some insecurities in that relationship, that’s obvious as hell, but she wants to make a scene.

My wife is cruel to other women, and men alike, she just turned 40 (now I’m probably dead) and works hard to keep her body the way it looks. She made a choice long ago that she wasn’t going to be one of those wives that just say fuck it and not care how she looks. And no, I honestly don’t think its for me, she has been like this before I met her, I do benefit of course, but in my opinion it is her pride that keeps her motivated. She sees people (especially family) and does not want to be those women. I stay out of it, I have no room to say anything, I’m in my mid-40s and haven’t exactly taken the best care of myself. I could do better, but I’ll admit I’m lazy. But, we do walk every night, we do our five miles, of course I do five and hers ends up being like 8 because she laps me so many times. She is one of those women who is proud of the curves she does have and proud as well for the curves she does not. Her downfall, really, if y’all asked me, is the fact that she work in a doctor’s office, she sees so many people with weight related health issues and she has commented to me that she plans on never being one of them. Perhaps she self aware, perhaps its vanity, perhaps its pride driven by the fact that she is a very strong willed/minded individual, perhaps its her stubbornness that drives her not to just age and settle, who knows.

Anyway, back to the mall. When the shopping was done and we continued to meander around, I discovered she had these two, lets call them high school age teenagers, following us around everywhere we went. I would look over and catch them, make eye contact, and they would act like I didn’t know what I was seeing. After confirming this is what was going on I whispered to my wife what I thought was going on. I was not prepared for all hell to break loose, but it did. We were in some store looking at purses for my wife, who wants (not need) a new purse. I find it strange that she wants a new purse every year when the current one is still going strong. I often point out I have been using the same wallet since 1989. Is it beat up? Yes. Is it wore out? Yes. Do I think I need a new one? Hell no. Funny part about that is she bought me one last year, put it in my Christmas stocking, its still in the box in my top dresser drawer. Anyway, she noticed one of these boys with his phone out pretty regularly and always being held in a somewhat discrete fashion. She put two and two together and had an OMGWTF moment, her gut instinct kicked in and she wanted to know why they were taking pictures of her, if that was what she was doing. She quick formulated a plan, we moved on to the shoe store, and she made herself “available” for unobstructed view. While they were distracted I went and stood behind them, and sure enough, they were taking pictures, mostly when she was bending down/over trying to get a tittie shot I guess. I text her to quickly walk towards them so they would be forced to turn around right into me. When the jig was up and they had been cornered my wife layed into them (verbally) in that harsh “motherly quiet tone” of fury women use. I didn’t get to hear all of it, but I know they erased the pictures off their phones with her watching. Sad thing is that the blonde haired boy was so scared of her he pissed his pants a little, his friend was nice enough to point it out as they walked away. When I asked what she said I was told to not worry about it.

That ends up being our holiday story. As uneventful as it was, it is what we do. We like to get out with all the freaks, frantics, and royal fucktards on the final weekend of shopping before Christmas only because we know we don’t “need” to be there, but we like to go out too, why let everyone else have all the shopping nightmare fun.

Is A Deal With Satan Very Practical?

Wait! Before we start reading and thinking thoughts for yourselves, let me take a few moments to explain. I was reminded of this post, which I wrote some six years ago in response to some Christian heckling and badgering I was being abused with and with what I was being accused of. It became personal, real personal because at the time I operated using my real identity, something I no longer choose to do. What was what I was being accused of? Since I don’t align myself with Christianity, Atheism, or any form of religion in my life, I must just be a straightup Satan worshipper who was put here on planet dirt to walk eternally without rest while I rape, pillage, and steal, to include soul snatching. I found out after the fact that it was a senior member of a local Catholic church trying to make a point with his flock of sheeple, nothing personal of course. Well, the very last post that I wrote on my angelfire blog and the introductory post when I started at blogspot is the one you will eventually read below because I just wanted to share.

Why bring it back from the dead know? Excellent question. Earlier today, while I was sitting at the bank pleading my case for a line if credit cash advance I was asked to fill out and sign many forms, guaranteeing repayment in a timely manner or they would be forced to close on title and deed which would be securing the loan. After reading the fine print and the print in bold, I chose to cancel the deal, which pissed off the banker because I wasted her precious time. It was at that moment I recalled this post about cutting deals with Satan and couldn’t wait to see if I could retrieve it from angelfire. So, no loan in exchange for my soul today, maybe I can pimp myself out, I’d fuck me for a couple of bucks for sure. But enough about me, enjoy the rest of the post, just remember it was written for fun, to spark a laugh, and to get people to think about what is actually important in their lives. Let this be the prime example of what can happen when, as a Catholic student, you are forced to read, memorize, and recite all things Christian and biblical because you can regurgitate it at will many years later with little to no effort at all. If y’all are ready, let’s proceed. By the way, the graphic at the end of the post, remains today the most “clicked” picture I have ever posted out of all three blogs. Do you dare click it? Do you roll the dice? I wonder what happens when you do. Happy reading.

_20141017_160726

C’mon, do it! Everybody’s doing it.

Welcome to the Sell Your Soul To Satan Online Portal. One of the most delightful facets of the internet is it’s commercial aspect, which allows consumers and vendors to easily link up in cyberspace to form any kind of desirable transaction. Previously, selling one’s soul to Satan has been a ridiculously inconvenient process, fraught with all varieties of difficulty. Now, with online vending, we are able to swiftly provide premium services to that lucky mortal seeking diabolic servitude. Today, we are able to provide more for less, due to the ingenious designs of our infernal president and CEO, Satan himself.

In past decades, merely trying to sell one’s soul was a prickly deal. Firstly, the complex technical knowledge of sorcery sufficient to elicit the attention of Satan has been so forbidding, that anyone capable of summoning Satan had very little need to actually do so, being able to obtain virtually everything else via dark magic. Secondly, pacts formed with, (unbeknownst to the mortal in question), unlicensed demonic tempters, often resulted in highly unsatisfactory pacts by both mortal and infernal standards. Thirdly, even demonic tempters licensed for seduction and glamour by Satan took a heavy cut out of the profit of the operation. So little was left over for Satan himself, that the miracles being offered became progressively flimsier, until finally it took three entire souls and a goat sacrifice to afford a night of sex with the celebrity of your choice. Fourthly, in this age of numerous contagious blood diseases, it was considered a potential violation of contract if for some reason an individual became ill by a chance contact with an infernal pact. Red ink was used very briefly, but it was deemed wise to let go of some traditions in order to capitalize on a rapidly expanding and forward-looking marketplace. Lastly, one can buy and sell anything on the internet for the right price.

These problems are no longer, because with online vending, Satan has cut out the middle entity and deals with you directly a few clicks of a mouse.

Damn good!

A great deal of misconception needs to be dealt with, as financial and spiritual dealings with Satan have gotten an undeserved bad rap. We suspect Christian infiltration at the highest levels. Firstly; temporarily laid off though he is, Satan is an Archangel and as such is totally incapable of lying. Secondly; Satan is largely responsible for the expulsion from Eden, which though fairly inconvenient for our distant ancestors, has since paved the way for our entire textile and fashion industries, among others. Thirdly; Satan did Fall because of the sin of Pride, and as such he is proud to serve you with unblemished professionalism and zeal. Fourthly; Satan understands the meaning of commitment, as he has continually provided his services and his institutions, with incomparable reliability for an ongoing two billion years. Few others have such impressive credentials.

Damned if you do.

Satan, being something of an expert in all of the reasonably well known vices, and well versed in the generalities of the more obscure ones, can provide your strangest fantasies at your merest whim. Nevertheless, tradition being what it is, one must be legally bound to Satan before the downpour of goodies begins. Over the years, a fairly straightforward (read: no fine print!) introductory pact has been developed to get one going down the road to happiness, fulfillment and eternal damnation, right away.

_20141017_160713

Introductory Pact

I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.

This Pact, binds me to the Eternal Darkness that is Satan in a manner as irrevocable as his fall into the realms of perdition. There, with my new master, I shall remain in torment and unforgiven until the end of the world.

In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.

I fully understand the consequences of the signing of this most unholy pact; I proceed willfully, cognizant of my coming privileges and debts. I furthermore promise to fulfill my debt punctually and without resistance, nor will I pray nor plead for my soul in any way, nor attempt to have others plead in my behalf. I confirm this in this covenant more tightly knit than the bonds of life and death. May the Prince of Darkness take pleasure in my gift and my betrayal, and use such to spread his reign further throughout the phenomenal world by annihilating the spiritual.

Optional Packages:

Satan takes great pleasure in serving his customers the most tempting delights imaginable. Though much is included in the Standard Pact, some customers will want something uncommon and specific. After all, not everyone can be President of the United States at the same time and this particular items does need to be regulated for the maintenence of good relationships with other merchants and corporations. Satan keeps a database of people in line for some of these privileged options, and provides them for individuals who have proven valuable, loyal customers.

Other packages are available to current customers merely for the asking, as the Beast (an affectionate term for our CEO we bandy about down here) is generous and loves giving perks to his minions. We find that his bestowal of perks, particularly those which extend the customers’ capacity to sin more emphatically and with greater pride, strengthens the client-vendor relationship in unparalleled ways.

Here is a sampler of the most common “freebie” packages:

A Night of Play and Fantasy: Compensating for scheduling constraints of providing movie stars and fashion models as playthings, the demonologists at Inferno Industries have developed a succubus (and incubus) able to accurately simulate the olfactory, visual, auditory, tactile and gustatory sensations of any person living or dead. Now, without the embarassing smalltalk, you can live out your fantasies with famous actors, actresses, models, artists, historical figures, porn stars, fictional characters, and even people from your own life.

Tickets to the Annual International Black Mass and Satanic Orgy: You can be a celebrity guest at the most exclusive and fun party in the world. Movie stars, rock musicians, champions of industry, religious leaders, witches, vampires, and politicians mingle with famous (and fascinating) demons like Astaroth, Baal, Lilith, Belial, Azazel, Marchosias,  Gumby, and Oprah. At midnight, the throats of thirteen virgins from a diversity of third world countries are slit, and the participants disrobe to fornicate amidst oceans of silk pillows and goblets of wine mixed with virgins blood.

Membership to the Secret Vatican Council: Many individuals are still unaware that Satan’s holding corporations have had a major controlling interest in the Vatican bank since 1946; fairly easy to do since Satan can produce pure gold and precious minerals at a breathtaking speed. What even fewer are aware of is that in the race to form a worldwide conspiracy to match the imaginations of pulp horror authors, Satan was shrewd and bought out someone else’s. This was done entirely behind the scenes, as an alteration in the name or logo of the Roman Catholic Church might slightly interfere with customer loyalty, and thus revenues.

The Roman Catholic Church, partially responsible for the dark ages, instigating the mass executions and torture of countless dissenters, fomenting wars of all varieties, and bent on worldwide religious monopoly, is also a highly aggressive financial institution; having allowed the purchasing of indulgences, and both encouraged and coerced hefty donations from the most seriously impovershed peoples of the world. Its tradition of deceit, brutality and corruption goes back for nearly two millennia, making its transition to diabolic managment policies fairly painless. They are a fine addition to our family of companies.

Now, you can help define the fanatical, reactionary and idolatrous ideologies of the oldest theocratic conspiracy in the western world. Membership in the Secret Vatican Council gives you a brand new identity as a high ranking official in the Vatican heirarchy, with vague and easy-to-abuse powers, and a fearsome reputation. Our fostering of the spurious doctrine of the divine buggery has become a great success story, as thousands of previously celibate officials and religious leaders have found Heaven in each other’s body cavities and those of perplexed choirboys. If you are inventive, have a sadistic streak a mile wide, and enjoy costumes, this option may just be for you.

The Power of Mind Control: You too can join the ranks of Svengali, Rasputin, Mesmer, and the Reverend Jim Jones by becoming a master of telepathic mind control. Fun at parties, but most intriguing for soliciting one night stands and commanding enemies to dry hump the third rail on subway tracks, this freebie option is as potent as the imagination of its possessor.

Black Toad Abortifacients: The one true “morning after pill”, Black Toad has been bringing to consumers the most sophisticated and diabolically correct contraception since 803 A.D.! By applying a pair of attractive skin patches one week (or more) after union, you or your female companion will destroy the embryo and send its soul to Hell for transformation into a familiar spirit for aspiring witches.

Always recycle.

Pollution kills vegitation and wildlife, and Satan is ecologically minded; particularly so when it comes to serpents, spiders, apple trees, belladonna, black cats, goats, sharks, fire ants, hornets, locusts, wolverines, wolves, rats, blood flukes, killer bees, leeches, feral dogs, scorpions, and komodo dragons.

So, click the link below (graphic) to get the ball rolling so you can swiftly become everything you ever desired or lusted for. Go ahead, click it now.

_20141017_160739

Talk About Being Photobombed!

Rexi continues to blow all of y’all away will her regular photos of my blog pulled up on her computer. She has proven it can be dome, repeatedly, she’s not afraid of fame and fortune. Well, not really fame and there’s no fortune, but you get my point. She has formally called all of y’all out, throwing down the gauntlet, and claiming to be champion. Are we going to just let her walk away with it hands down, without a fight, I feel so ashamed for the rest of the nonparticipants. So, thanks again Rexi, for yet another great picture.

_20141017_072613