I have never been quiet about my dislike for hospitals, being cut on, and needles. It’s just part of who I am deep down inside. Plus, I’m not a super big fan of any kind of surgery in or on my body. I would like to think that at my age I have seen the inside walls of a hospital enough. I pride myself on being able to stay as far away from hospitals as possible. I have mentioned it before and I will repeat it again now for y’all, there is nothing routine about routine blood work. Being diabetic I get to see more needles than I would have ever imagined. I have overcome my fear or dislike for needles over the last year or so because of self injecting. But, when someone else comes at me with a needle I still tense up a bit (allot). Luckily for me my actual health is pretty stable according to my last blood panels and tests. Now I am forced to concentrate on my left shoulder and getting that bitch fixed. I have no fear of the surgery itself, I have had a few so it’s nothing new. In reality what I fear most is being put under using anesthesia. I am always left wondering will the anesthesiologist do his/her job correctly. I know it sounds silly but I need heavy sedation so I don’t meltdown right before the surgery.
Where does this fear come from? In my life I have had some real serious surgeries to put me back together again. No time to go into that right now, but I will reflect on one that happened to me when I was all of 15 years old. The short version is that I crashed an Ultralight experimental aircraft while attempting my solo for my Experimental Aircraft License. I broke 30 odd bones from one end of my body to the opposite end. The comforting news from the doctors who put me back together was that I was dead on impact. In fact, I was DOA at the hospital emergency room. Not too many folks can fall from the sky from 1250 feet up and live to tell about it. I went thru many, many, reconstructive surgeries to get me to even be able to walk again. I remember during one of my surgeries waking up. I remember hearing one doctor say that the patient is awake. I assume jokingly, he asked the anesthesiologist if she was paying attention. Then, a few hours later they were waking me up. I remember that moment like it was 5 minutes ago. I know some doctors on a friend basis as we are all friends and family, so I know them real damn good. I also know an anesthesiologist or two, both who are great people. I just always think, what if the anesthesiologist is having a bad morning.
Beyond that, I was told once and have read on it plenty as well, that being put under anesthesia for a surgery is the closest one can come to experiencing death without actually dying. I have spent my entire life trying to avoid the things I can that could result in death. I am NOT an adrenalin junkie, I am probably the furthest away from it. I enjoy living. I am not a superstitious person but I am a firm believer that shit does happen and karma truly is the queen bitch. Even as I sit here and write this small passage I wonder, in my head, how many people will die today at the hands of an anesthesiologist who makes one mistake. My friends will say don’t worry, the odds are extremely low that anything could or would ever happen. It is a nice gesture, but it doesn’t settle my nerves any. They settle when I am in recovery looking at the lights above with blurry eyes, then I know I am okay and everything went well. But, what if……………….? What if it doesn’t go okay?
Well, enough about all that or I will just keep rambling on and never post this to my blog. But then again, maybe that would be best. So, here is the breakdown on my surgery and what it means to those who want or need to know. My surgery is on 27 June 2013 @ 0700. I will be having a reconstruction done to my left shoulder to repair two muscles, two ligaments, the rotator cuff, and some general clean up. Sound fun to any of y’all yet? I will probably do a few updates across my blogs the day prior or so as a reminder that I will be out of commission for a few weeks and unable to even wipe my own ass from what I hear. Which reminds me, anyone interested in being a guest moderator/poster in my absence? If you are interested send an e-mail to Scorpion Sting before hand and we can discuss things. If not, then my blogs will probably lay dormant for a good month or so or whenever. I know what y’all are thinking and no I’m not ragging on anesthesiologists or knocking the profession at all, they just scare me. Most people would be caring about being cut on, the scars, and complications, but I worry about waking back up. Scars I have, in fact I have so many my kids and nieces would trace a finger across them as if they were looking at a road map. I hope I haven’t offended any doctors or anesthesiologists because that was not my goal. I paid my deductible yesterday afternoon as well, it’s a hard $1,000.00 check to write. Donations? Anyway, I know things will go fine, I have enough “ways” to keep my anxiety in check. Smile, be happy, and live your life because tomorrow is always another day to look forward to.