Sometimes The Gift Bites Back

My recently married daughter and her husband have a habit of just picking up trinkets and t-shirts from gift shops when they are out tooling around in different places. Last night being no different, after a day spent in Old Town Spring, Texas going to shops and finally to dinner they returned knocking on the door to give me a surprise. Knowing I will try just about anything with some heat they believed they found the perfect gift for me.

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So now that you have looked at the picture I’m going to write out the label that can’t really be seen in it’s entirety. I warn you now that the language is quite colorful and might offend those of y’all who are sensitive to this kind of thing. But you know me, I like to share the things I find somewhat twisted and very interesting. The label reads as follows.

“We warned you. This is a seriously fuckin’ hot sauce. That’s right we said it — because we had to. There is no other way to describe just how hot this sauce is. I suppose we could have said “it’s like the fiery depths of Hell” or “that it’s ass-burning” and even “keep away from pets and small children and avoid contact with sensitive areas”, but that just seems so wordy. The sauce is hot as fuck! Succinct, to the point — no beating around the bush! Honesty is always the best policy, isn’t it? If this sauce burns intensely, don’t be afraid to let it out. Scream fuck at the top of your lungs. You’ll feel better. There is no better verbal therapy.”

Let me also include the short list of ingredients in case y’all can’t see them that great. They include habanero peppers, african oleoresin, scotch bonnet peppers, salt, onion, vegetable oil, acetic acid, garlic, and xanthan gum.

Here’s the big question y’all are begging to ask me, is it fucking hot? Not to deter from the awesome label and product description, but it was an average heat for a hot sauce. With that being said, I must admit I’m a bit jaded when it comes to heat. I grow, process, and consume a variety of insanely hot peppers down to the common pepper for flavoring bland food. What I really liked was it’s bold flavoring and the way it cinged my nose hair a bit when taking a deep sniff. However, for the rookies and amateurs it just might be a bit over the top. The average Joe might not want to toss the wings in this sauce and serve it up to family, I’m just saying.

My question to all of y’all out there would be, what do you find to be too fucking hot to consume?

Fucking People Make It Complicated

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The first question I fucking have is why do fucking people make it complicated? It’s easy to not fuck up the food you cook, it’s easy as hell if you just pay fucking attention. Y’all know I spend a great deal of time reading other people’s blogs. Y’all know I usually don’t fucking comment because people have said I drop too many fucking f-bombs. Probably some truth in there some where I’m sure. I visit a few handfuls of what I will call cooking lifestyle blogs, they range from gourmet to trashcan grilling and most things in between. I noticed a fucking trend I really don’t fucking like, across the board, but I saved my bitching and moaning for my own fucking blog because, well, that’s how I fucking am. If y’all have taken the time to read my last post you’ll see I demonstrated the right way to pan sear a fucking steak, but it goes deeper than that, much much deeper. I had read a few posts about doing a fucking gourmet pan seared steak. I must ask, what in the fuck are you people trying to do to me? Putting all this bullshit on your meat and you’ll never fucking taste the meat, just your bullshit. So, I got to thinking, eventhough I can be considered nothing more than an average cook who learned to cook by standing next to real humans, I still know that one needs practice. Food is judged by it’s fucking taste morons, even if it looks like a pile of shit, if it tastes good I’m going to eat it. But it seems like everyone is in some kind of fucking cooking competition, got to Tweet that shit, got to Pin that shit, and even Share that shit. Looks can be very deceiving, anyone can polish a turd for a fucking picture, but will you eat it?

Okay, I’ll agree there are many fantastic cooks out in the world, and your food is making people fat and happy. But, who are these motherfuckers who watch the cable food channels and surf the internet who all of a sudden are culinary experts? Y’all know who I’m talking about, we all have them in our families and lives, hell I’m probably pissing one of them off right now. With two big cooking holidays coming up fast we all know there are those people’s food we won’t fucking touch because it fucking sucks. Why? Because they can’t cook that’s why! Oh, but they try, right? Wrong! Copying something from Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, or wherever the fuck else does NOT make you a fucking cook, really it doesn’t. But does this stop them from posting on their blogs? No. Does this stop them from inflicting their unimaginable culinary disasters on friends and family? No. If you can’t cook just own the shit out of that, you can never fake fucking steak, never.

So, what am I doing here? I’m trying to tug at your heart strings in hopes that one day soon we will be rid of the wannabe cooks. I pride myself self on the fact that I cook what I know how to cook, I grill in a way that food is edible, and I smoke meats in ways that will make you want to dry hump my leg with excitement. However, I’m a down home simple ingredients kind of cook. I do NOT bury the flavor of what I’m cooking in other bullshit, I’m simple in my methods. I have taught an ex-wife to cook, my wife to cook (in different ways, she’s a bad ass cook already), and all three of my kids to cook. Why? Because if we’re going to eat we might as well fucking enjoy the way it tastes. Right or wrong? But, my soon to be married 19 year old daughter has been exploring the cooking shows and scouring the internet for recipes to try. She can’t figure out why she doesn’t like the way the food tastes. My answer? You need to fucking practice, practice allot, make changes, own that shit until you can do it blindfolded, without the recipe card, and where it comes out delicious every single time. Me, I don’t have any recipes written down anywhere, but I do try to accurately share proportions when prompted, but I doubt it’s ever exact. An example, search my blog for details, I make what I call Diablo Scorpion Chili on a regular basis because my wife, her friends at work, and family can’t ever get enough of this high heat colon cleansing chili. It has been made the same way since I dreamed that shit up some 25 years ago to enter into a chili cook off. Not to brag, but best in heat, best in flavor, and best appearance tells me it might be good, don’t change a fucking thing.

But I do more, I even share with pictures here on occasion, people actually write to me thanking me because it all tasted as described. Why? Because I don’t do all the bullshit, basic is the best flavoring. Anyway, my question still remains, why do people try to “fake it” on the internet? People try their recipes I’m sure, as I have, and most times I’m not impressed. I’m no expert when it comes to cooking, but I don’t get complaints either. My fucking wish I have for people learning to cook or wanting to learn something new is to spend time with other humans, whether it is family or friends, and be shown in person how to make a recipe work. Let’s face it, if it looks pretty but tastes like shit then you have failed. My family knows I don’t mind eating the ugly mistakes if they taste great. Our daily food consumption should be eating simple meals, inexpensive meals, and meals we want to eat. I like to try new things too, but some science experiments are best left to the experts and that for fucking sure is not me. So the next time you get a wild hair up your ass, try making something new, posting it online, just make sure it fucking tastes awesome. If not, its pretty hard to fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just keep that in mind. I hope we all learned something today, if so there is hope for us humans, if not we’re all fucking doomed.

Try Not Fucking All Of This Shit Up

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I keep seeing all these fucking cooking posts where people try too fucking hard to pan sear fucking steaks but fuck it all up, it’s fucking simple, so fucking pay close attention. Go to the fucking grocery store and buy fucking steak. Yes, the fucking grocery store, a little ammonia isn’t going to kill you, don’t be a pussy. You want to be all fucking fancy, fucking grass fed, and environmentally conscious, go the fuck ahead. I really don’t give two shits about it. Just be sure to get fucking ribeye steak, it fucking turns out the best. Be sure and buy it with the fucking bone in, don’t be a dumbfuck. Now, take the fucking steak home. Get a bigass fucking frying pan out and put that shit on the stovetop, crank up the fucking heat as high as that motherfucker will go. Take a shit-ton of rocksalt, yes rocksalt you dumbfuck, none of that fine ground table bullshit salt, and toss that shit all over the bottom of the fucking frying pan. When the frying pan is hot as all fuck, it should scortch the the shit out of your fucking finger if you were stupid enough to touch it, put the fucking steak in the fucking pan right now. You can crack some fucking pepper on top of the steak as you hear the sizzle of the fucking bottom of the steak searing. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT even attempt to sprinkle onion powder or garlic powder or immafuckingtation butter flavoring on this fucking steak assholes, just keep it the fuck away, trust me. This is a fucking steak assholes, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a short bit, 2 1/2 minutes for good and pink or 5 minutes for cooked the fuck through, flip that shit over and do the exact fucking thing you just did to the other fucking side. I.e. just sit on your fucking ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, try not to be a useless assbag and fuck this up. When you’re fucking done just slap that shit on a plate. And, hopefully you weren’t so stupid you didn’t make some kind of potatoes, any kind of fucking potatoes, because fucking steak gets eaten with fucking potatoes. If you want to be frisky, pour yourself a Jack straight the fuck up, nice and fucking neat. Now eat your perfectly seared fucking steak while it’s still hot. Don’t piss me off again and make me come and smack the fucking shit out of you! Hopefully you learned how NOT to ever fuck up steak ever again. Remember this fucking way and you’ll never be disappointed ever again.

Even More Goodies From My Daughter

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Also included in my little care package were two packs of pepper seeds, she says I can grow these alongside the rest of my “heat” and thinks they will be a fine addition to my Ghost Peppers, Habaneros, Tobascos, and Jalapeños that I already successfully grow. So, my new ones to try are the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Pepper and the Trinidad Scorpion Pepper. I’ve looked into these peppers, they pack a little heat to say the least. Well, I am always looking for more heat to add to my chili, my salsa, and my own version of hot sauce. We’ll talk about those another time. Anyway, I need to successfully grow these two new peppers first, the we can decide how I will cook with them.

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Bulleit Bourbon Bleu Cheese Overly Stuffed Burger Insanity

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Every once in a while I like to share the preparation of something I really enjoy making, and in my own opinion, tastes great. Tonight I made what I call “Bulleit Bourbon Bleu Cheese Overly Stuffed Burger Insanity” and here is what is involved. Just remember, y’all will always have the choice to use your own imagination to stuff your own meat mountains like y’all want. My method is simple here and actually results in something to eat on a bun or on it’s own, your choice entirely.

To begin with, line 9″ X 13″ cookie sheet with wax or parchment paper and then spread 5 pounds of uncooked lean ground beef across the span of cookie sheet.  Spread the meat as thick or thin as you like, keeping in mind that this thickness will more than double once stuffed and folded.

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Spread stuffing ingredients over 1/2 of the pressed out slab of beef. In this case, I used a sauce I created using Bulleit Bourbon, bleu cheese and green olives. See the end of the post for the sauce ingredients if y’all are interested.

From the end with no ingredients, carefully lift wax paper and burger to fold over the top of the ingredient side. Once folded, pinch edges to hold ingredients into the loaf.  With a pizza cutter, square out portions as desired.  Depending on your ingredients, you may or may not want to pinch off edges of each patty.  Personally, I like the dripping edge on the burgers but that’s just the choice I have always made.

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Get creative with your stuffing ingredients and try different combinations over time. Use different cheese, add vegetables, hash browns, pizza style stuffings, taco style stuffings, BBQ style, Asian style, breakfast style. This ain’t BK, make it YOUR way!

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Here we have the stuffed burgers still on the grill.  Nice, big plump, and very juicy burgers that never made it into a bun!  These came out very huge, like a kind of stuffed meatloaf of sorts. As y’all can see, portioning the ingredients while setting the ingredients would make a cleaner burger but I like this wall to wall stuffed burger way. I chose to top the well stuffed burgers with bacon and baby swiss cheese to bring all the vast and tasty flavors together in unity.

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As far as the sauce goes, put 1/5 of the bottle of bourbon with 1 1/2 cup diced fresh tomatoes, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 tbsp Tabasco sauce, 1 tbsp worchestershire sauce, 1 cup fresh orange juice, 1 tbsp lime juice, 1 whole medium jalapeño, salt and black pepper to taste into the blender and puree until creamy. Remaining sauce can be used to glaze while grilling or dipping when dining.

Every Once In A While I Celebrate

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Celebrate? Why celebrate? Well, I enjoy getting stuff for nothing, to me that is a victory worth celebrating. So, y’all can obviously tell I am going to be talking about Walmart, which is where we choose to grocery shop every 2 weeks. Why? Where we live, their prices are considerably lower in groceries than all the rest of the big box grocery stores. I will make this a short post for now, but will do my version of a “how to” save money post in the future, I have learned a few bad ass tricks over the years, and it all paid off today once again.

Before I begin this short speil, let me just say that we feed a bare minimum of 4 adults and one teenage boy having a growth spurt, so call it five adults for simplicity. We do not buy any meat, but if I do it is some chuck so I can grind it in to make hamburgers and canned tuna and/or canned chicken to make into sandwich spreads. Other than that, our meat (beef & pork) is purchased from a slaughterhouse/butcher in large precut packages. The other meats, such as deer (venison), wild turkeys, quail, prairie chickens, and wild boar, are provided by my son an I as we hunt the different seasons of the year. I have 5 stand up side-by-side freezers that don’t get bare very often. Sometimes, we are lucky and will have some gator meat (from family) and other goodies. 98% of our meat is provided this way annually. Enough about that for now.

Back to Walmart. In our 2 baskets we had everything else which was going to last us for two weeks which includes food, cleaning supplies, toiletries/sundries, and some back to school supplies for my son. Our total, before coupons and sales ads, was $348.88. After including coupons and sales ads our price was $39.31 with tax included. How? Everything that was on the list had a substantial coupon, meaning, as an example, something which cost $2.79 had a $2 coupon. Plus, everything we buy was the name brand and it is the things we use every day. On some things the coupon was actually more than the price of the item. Pretty much if I didn’t buy the school supplies I could have gotten out of there for under $10 like I normally do.

Now, no, this is not a simple way of shopping, but with a little effort, a little leg work, some planning, and a list, it is worth it. Here is the secret how. First, get a Sunday paper (this is when our coupons and ads are included). Second, get online and visit all the brands you use/purchase regularly and print their coupons. Sign up if you need too, its worth it. Third, go to the other stores. Get their current sales fliers, walk their asiles and get the in-store coupons for items. They are usually on or near the product in some kind of dispenser. Fourth, plan your meals for the week or two, make your grocery list based on the meals you will be serving. Put some thought into this, think outside the can or box. Fifth, head to Walmart because every coupon you clipped, printed, or got in other stores are honored. Does this take time? Yes, absolutely, but you get faster as you get better at it.

For people pressed for time, a slow cooker can provide a full meal which cooks on its own while you are at work or doing whatever you do to fill your days. Yes, I did everything the exact same way before I was laid off, but I have been doing it like this for a long time, so my prep time is usually under an hour over a two week period. For for those of y’all thinking we buy everything in bulk, you are wrong. We buy paper towels, toilet paper, soft drinks, and milk in bulk. I buy at least 12 gallons of milk at a time, a couple go in the freezer for week two, and the rest in the fridge. Why? At my house, we consume at least a gallon a day, and it never has an opportunity to go out of date. Like I said in the beginning, I will do a comprehensive post some other time. I will have to give it some thought so it makes sense. As well, if any readers have secrets they would like to share, I’m all ears. Quick sidenote, do not buy your tobacco products or alcohol at Walmart, those things are cheapest at the gas station and liquor store.

I know what y’all are thinking already because of other Walmart posts I have done, nothing has changed, I still hate the service, the slow speed, and the two out of fifty lanes actually having a checker, but my wait is usually worth the savings. Think about that for a while. No, I’m not some crazy extreme couponer either, I just like keeping my money where it belongs, in my wife’s wallet.

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Does This Information Help Y’all?

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