Girls Just Wanna Have Jack

Speaking of Jack, I had a good friend email me asking why I have done a couple different glamour tributes here on the blog but NEVER to the Jack Daniel’s girls. She has taken it upon herself to send me a small portion of her personal favorites and asks of me to please post them for her. So, I plan on doing just that, but before we begin, I want you to read my favorite part of her message to me.


“Seriously, I’ve been bartending for several years and I wanna smack the piss out of every fucking girl who has me make them a fucking amaretto sour or a damn melon ball (etc.). I actually blew an otherwise successful job because I refused to let this wack job girl order a fuzzy navel. What a waste of time and money to drink fruity concoctions, have it straight up and have Jack. I believe if you are going to drink, drink with purpose and with pride. A girl that can handle Jack straight is to be held above others. I’d be damn proud to sit down and drink with you. So here’s to you “Jack Daniels drinking chick!”, you have my respect.”


What Else Was Supposed To Do?


To begin with, I am a pretty literal kind of person, which means that I’m not the type to “read into” the meanings of the different messages I might get in a day. However, I will give you an example which could fall into fate or destiny or even both. Fate, the preordained course of your life that will occur because of or in spite of your actions. Destiny, a set of predetermined events within your life that you take an active course in shaping.

I had went into the liquor store, unsure what I was actually in the mood for. I stood at the front where I read a local advertisement about an auction that had taken place already, very disappointing to day the least. As I began wondering, I found myself standing in front of a Jack Daniels display, next thing I new I was heading to the counter to pay. I was thirsty as well, so I reached in to cooler by the check out, looking for a water, but settled for a Coke. When I got to the car I saw I had a fresh, cold water, so I drank that instead, leaving everything else in the bag.

When I got home, I was distracted by a phone call, set my bag down, and walked back outside to talk. Meanwhile, my wife unpacks the bag and set both bottles on the center island for me. When I walked in to the kitchen, I had to pause a moment, because I had just read the message on the Coke bottle. Now I ask you, how crazy is that shit? And yes, I had my fair share of Jack & Cokes by night’s end. It was just freaky enough to make me think.

Worms Are For Pussies

Back in the early 90s I had the rare opportunity to live in northern Japan while serving in the United States Air Force. I had considered myself, in the beginning, a decent drinker. Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and Crown Royal were all my friends whom I knew very well by the time I turned 19. I have a hidden talent that I used to my advantage to win many bets and make a fair amount of money in the process. I have no gag reflex at all and I can breath thru my nose while chugging whatever I am chugging eliminating the need to stop for a breath in the middle. I was born with the talent and honed it in to a fine art by the time I was a teenager. I can remember the first time I drank an entire bottle of Monte Elban Mezcal in front of a group of college kids at a party, worm and all. The looks on their dazzled faces was priceless, but I remember collecting some $300.00 from all the non-believers. Unfortunately, one can never do it in front of the same crowd twice and make any money because nobody wants to take the bet. Lucky for me I got to continue drinking in my style after joining the Air Force since the AMMO careerfield is kinda known for it’s drunken rowdiness all the time. We never needed a reason to drink other than we weren’t working. It didn’t hurt that I could get alcohol for the same price as soda while overseas. Before I get going to far on this post let me explain the picture above. A friend picked this scorpion alcohol up from a street vendor in downtown Misawa. Essentially it is cheap moonshine (riceshine) that is unregulated, unmonitored, and very unsafe to drink from the rumors I heard. Basically the moonshine serves as formaldehyde to the corps inside the bottle which begins to rot as soon as the liquid is poured onto it which poisons the entire contents of the bottle. They say that you have to have big gold plated brass balls to even considering drinking it. You see my bottle still intact even after some 20 years. It goes great sitting up with my shot glass collection.
Over the years I have amassed a sorted collection of things involving scorpions or Scorpio. No reason other than it is a personal fascination of mine personally. There are many things to explore when exploring all things scorpion. The scorpion truly is the most wicked and most understood creature on the planet. Say the word scorpion and people back up and give the oh shit face because fear of the unknown. I used to make a drink called The Scorpion while I was still bartending, a fun mix of gin, dark rum, 151 rum, light rum, vodka, grenadine, orange juice, pineapple juice, pineapple chunks, lemon juice and cherries, and ice. Toss it all into a blender, pour into a tall glass, add an umbrella, and you have The Scorpion. At home, however, it gets a little more adventurous. I have mentioned in the past that I am a huge fan of Mezcal, preferably Scorpion Mezcal Joven since instead of a meal worm at the bottom you get an actual scorpion. On top of that this particular Mezcal is good for doing Scorpion Shots which are not for the casual drinker. My wife finds it amazing that I put the time and effort into finding or creating new ways to be unusual. I think I take that as as a compliment. She thought she would be slick a few years back and buy some 12 Signs Scorpio Pinot Noir. I am not a wine drinker like she is but neither of us actually enjoyed it at all. The bottle was cool so we rinsed it out and on the shelf it went. Goes to show you that some things are indeed a bad idea and that was one f them to say the very least.
When you graduate into different proteins in your shots you will be reminded why worms are for pussies and not the serious drinker. This shot isn’t just for anyone, you have to have a stomach for the Mezcal as well as the scorpion treat that is waiting in the shot glass for you. You would be surprised, I can find these great shot sized scorpions at a local health food place for a rather cheap price. Just remember, it’s just protein and don’t eat the stinger. This is the shot that separates the boys from the men or the sane from the insane or the pussies from the adventurous. This shot isn’t unlike life in the way that it’s full of surprises you won’t soon forget. I look way back into my teenage years and wonder where I would have been if I knew then what I know now about alcohol. Good thing for me, over the years, I have just been able to keep it all just for fun. I have had to learn that just because someone says to drink it doesn’t mean I actually need to drink it. I always will remember the street vendors selling their “whatever” in a bottle and trying to sell it all off as an aphrodisiac or cure all. Certain things just look better on the shelf and serve better to tell a story rather than be consumed. But, I have a standing bet for any brave soul out there. I have $500.00 with your name on it if you chug my bottle of vintage scorpion alcohol. My rules to collect are simple, consume the entire contents of the bottle including the scorpion, no puking it up, no passing out, no trips to the hospital, and no dying. If, after 24 hours your are still in one piece then you can collect your prize.