Giving Thoughts To Being A Quitter

A few nights ago I had a dream that I am going to have a hard time explaining. I don’t know if it was exactly about quitting my smoking habit I have had since 1985. Some of it had to do with conversations my wife and I have been having about quitting. Why thinking of quitting now? Well, my wife was recently diagnosed with a degenerative heart valve disease that I wont even try to misspell here, I can’t say it much less remember how to spell it. Anyway, part of the protocol is to quit smoking, part of it is now diet, and then of course medication. Surgery is inevitable and will be happening in a few months where they will open her up and replace 2 valves on her heart and repair what appears to be some stroke damage. Now, my wife is in her early 30’s so this all comes as a pretty big surprise and deals a crushing blow to her and and to us.So, since she is in the process of quitting, she thought it would be nice if I went ahead and quit smoking also. Really? I have never attempted to even think about quitting. Come to find out, it is a complex choice to make and I feel quite unmotivated. It was easy for my wife, she as been looking for a reason for years, now she has one with grand motivation. She has gone from a pack a day to just 2 cigarettes a day, sometimes 3. But, she has been doing it and is working on this last little bump. My family is not quiet about what they think about my quitting accomplishments, which are nil. Which makes me feel like shit, because I have pushed my wife hard to stick to her regiment on a daily basis. I was always the cook in the house, and that has not changed, I just cook differently for her now. Sadly, the rest of us have only given up a few things and she has given up everything she has ever known. I need her to succeed.So, back to this dream. I had this dream and then found the picture above by accident while looking for something else. I died in my dream. I watched my own funeral. I watched as the the Air Force funeral detail discharged a 21 gun salute. I watched my children cry, my wife cry, and my family all cry. I listened to the kind words being said by my children. Then, my casket lowered as I watched, different flowers dropped on top, and finally they filled in the hole as everyone walked away. It was never stated what killed me, I only assume it was smoking. I was allowed to watch them for the remainder of the day, and then I started walking down a path in the woods somewhere, which is where I woke up.

I haven’t talked with my wife about this dream, I don’t think I plan on talking about it with her, I think it will be my secret. I fear her dying and leaving me alone, I have never looked at it the other way around. I am sure the doctors will get her heart fixed and she will move on from all of this, for this I hope and put my faith in the doctors to do their job and do it right. My dream deeply disturbed me. Maybe it was my brains way of giving me motivation. I have never dreamed of my own death, nor my own funeral, so after processing I will have to come to some form of conclusions.