Is A Deal With Satan Very Practical?

Wait! Before we start reading and thinking thoughts for yourselves, let me take a few moments to explain. I was reminded of this post, which I wrote some six years ago in response to some Christian heckling and badgering I was being abused with and with what I was being accused of. It became personal, real personal because at the time I operated using my real identity, something I no longer choose to do. What was what I was being accused of? Since I don’t align myself with Christianity, Atheism, or any form of religion in my life, I must just be a straightup Satan worshipper who was put here on planet dirt to walk eternally without rest while I rape, pillage, and steal, to include soul snatching. I found out after the fact that it was a senior member of a local Catholic church trying to make a point with his flock of sheeple, nothing personal of course. Well, the very last post that I wrote on my angelfire blog and the introductory post when I started at blogspot is the one you will eventually read below because I just wanted to share.

Why bring it back from the dead know? Excellent question. Earlier today, while I was sitting at the bank pleading my case for a line if credit cash advance I was asked to fill out and sign many forms, guaranteeing repayment in a timely manner or they would be forced to close on title and deed which would be securing the loan. After reading the fine print and the print in bold, I chose to cancel the deal, which pissed off the banker because I wasted her precious time. It was at that moment I recalled this post about cutting deals with Satan and couldn’t wait to see if I could retrieve it from angelfire. So, no loan in exchange for my soul today, maybe I can pimp myself out, I’d fuck me for a couple of bucks for sure. But enough about me, enjoy the rest of the post, just remember it was written for fun, to spark a laugh, and to get people to think about what is actually important in their lives. Let this be the prime example of what can happen when, as a Catholic student, you are forced to read, memorize, and recite all things Christian and biblical because you can regurgitate it at will many years later with little to no effort at all. If y’all are ready, let’s proceed. By the way, the graphic at the end of the post, remains today the most “clicked” picture I have ever posted out of all three blogs. Do you dare click it? Do you roll the dice? I wonder what happens when you do. Happy reading.

C’mon, do it! Everybody’s doing it.

Welcome to the Sell Your Soul To Satan Online Portal. One of the most delightful facets of the internet is it’s commercial aspect, which allows consumers and vendors to easily link up in cyberspace to form any kind of desirable transaction. Previously, selling one’s soul to Satan has been a ridiculously inconvenient process, fraught with all varieties of difficulty. Now, with online vending, we are able to swiftly provide premium services to that lucky mortal seeking diabolic servitude. Today, we are able to provide more for less, due to the ingenious designs of our infernal president and CEO, Satan himself.

In past decades, merely trying to sell one’s soul was a prickly deal. Firstly, the complex technical knowledge of sorcery sufficient to elicit the attention of Satan has been so forbidding, that anyone capable of summoning Satan had very little need to actually do so, being able to obtain virtually everything else via dark magic. Secondly, pacts formed with, (unbeknownst to the mortal in question), unlicensed demonic tempters, often resulted in highly unsatisfactory pacts by both mortal and infernal standards. Thirdly, even demonic tempters licensed for seduction and glamour by Satan took a heavy cut out of the profit of the operation. So little was left over for Satan himself, that the miracles being offered became progressively flimsier, until finally it took three entire souls and a goat sacrifice to afford a night of sex with the celebrity of your choice. Fourthly, in this age of numerous contagious blood diseases, it was considered a potential violation of contract if for some reason an individual became ill by a chance contact with an infernal pact. Red ink was used very briefly, but it was deemed wise to let go of some traditions in order to capitalize on a rapidly expanding and forward-looking marketplace. Lastly, one can buy and sell anything on the internet for the right price.

These problems are no longer, because with online vending, Satan has cut out the middle entity and deals with you directly a few clicks of a mouse.

Damn good!

A great deal of misconception needs to be dealt with, as financial and spiritual dealings with Satan have gotten an undeserved bad rap. We suspect Christian infiltration at the highest levels. Firstly; temporarily laid off though he is, Satan is an Archangel and as such is totally incapable of lying. Secondly; Satan is largely responsible for the expulsion from Eden, which though fairly inconvenient for our distant ancestors, has since paved the way for our entire textile and fashion industries, among others. Thirdly; Satan did Fall because of the sin of Pride, and as such he is proud to serve you with unblemished professionalism and zeal. Fourthly; Satan understands the meaning of commitment, as he has continually provided his services and his institutions, with incomparable reliability for an ongoing two billion years. Few others have such impressive credentials.

Damned if you do.

Satan, being something of an expert in all of the reasonably well known vices, and well versed in the generalities of the more obscure ones, can provide your strangest fantasies at your merest whim. Nevertheless, tradition being what it is, one must be legally bound to Satan before the downpour of goodies begins. Over the years, a fairly straightforward (read: no fine print!) introductory pact has been developed to get one going down the road to happiness, fulfillment and eternal damnation, right away.

Introductory Pact

I relinquish the ownership of my immortal soul into the keeping of Satan, the Master of Evil Demons, Commander of all Ungodly Forces and Unclean Spirits, Inventor of the Sin, Eater of Souls, and Chief Torturer of all dead Heathens and Damned Christians. I furthermore give to him and his subservient creatures the rights and privileges and freedoms entitled to me by the Creator of the Universe, whose name I flout. I understand fully that I will live as a creature of sin and an artist of villainy and corruption in this world, and become a slave of evil in the next; property of the diabolic in both. I shall spurn and debase all things worthy and pure, and I shall make ruin my cause and calling. I shall indulge in joyous cruelties from the pettiest to the most maleficent. I swear that I shall curse the names of all the angels of the host of heaven; and with the aid of my Liege, they shall hear me and be tormented thereby. I shall endeveor to commit all kinds of sin and crimes against the Enemy-who-yet-rules, succeed and blacken the soul of the earth. I am a blasphemy. I am one accursed. I am among the host of the damned.

This Pact, binds me to the Eternal Darkness that is Satan in a manner as irrevocable as his fall into the realms of perdition. There, with my new master, I shall remain in torment and unforgiven until the end of the world.

In return for this sacrifice and for my denial of all that is good and redeeming, I will possess money in substantial quantities, the fulfillment of all of my lusts, and the destruction and degradation of all that opposes my whims. I shall overcome with blackness, succeed in monstrosity, vindicate all scorn, by breaking the Whole. In return for the additional corruption of other people, for every one damned and dead that I am responsible for directly, I shall have my life prolonged in health for another two years and a day.

I fully understand the consequences of the signing of this most unholy pact; I proceed willfully, cognizant of my coming privileges and debts. I furthermore promise to fulfill my debt punctually and without resistance, nor will I pray nor plead for my soul in any way, nor attempt to have others plead in my behalf. I confirm this in this covenant more tightly knit than the bonds of life and death. May the Prince of Darkness take pleasure in my gift and my betrayal, and use such to spread his reign further throughout the phenomenal world by annihilating the spiritual.

Optional Packages:

Satan takes great pleasure in serving his customers the most tempting delights imaginable. Though much is included in the Standard Pact, some customers will want something uncommon and specific. After all, not everyone can be President of the United States at the same time and this particular items does need to be regulated for the maintenence of good relationships with other merchants and corporations. Satan keeps a database of people in line for some of these privileged options, and provides them for individuals who have proven valuable, loyal customers.

Other packages are available to current customers merely for the asking, as the Beast (an affectionate term for our CEO we bandy about down here) is generous and loves giving perks to his minions. We find that his bestowal of perks, particularly those which extend the customers’ capacity to sin more emphatically and with greater pride, strengthens the client-vendor relationship in unparalleled ways.

Here is a sampler of the most common “freebie” packages:

A Night of Play and Fantasy: Compensating for scheduling constraints of providing movie stars and fashion models as playthings, the demonologists at Inferno Industries have developed a succubus (and incubus) able to accurately simulate the olfactory, visual, auditory, tactile and gustatory sensations of any person living or dead. Now, without the embarassing smalltalk, you can live out your fantasies with famous actors, actresses, models, artists, historical figures, porn stars, fictional characters, and even people from your own life.

Tickets to the Annual International Black Mass and Satanic Orgy: You can be a celebrity guest at the most exclusive and fun party in the world. Movie stars, rock musicians, champions of industry, religious leaders, witches, vampires, and politicians mingle with famous (and fascinating) demons like Astaroth, Baal, Lilith, Belial, Azazel, Marchosias,  Gumby, and Oprah. At midnight, the throats of thirteen virgins from a diversity of third world countries are slit, and the participants disrobe to fornicate amidst oceans of silk pillows and goblets of wine mixed with virgins blood.

Membership to the Secret Vatican Council: Many individuals are still unaware that Satan’s holding corporations have had a major controlling interest in the Vatican bank since 1946; fairly easy to do since Satan can produce pure gold and precious minerals at a breathtaking speed. What even fewer are aware of is that in the race to form a worldwide conspiracy to match the imaginations of pulp horror authors, Satan was shrewd and bought out someone else’s. This was done entirely behind the scenes, as an alteration in the name or logo of the Roman Catholic Church might slightly interfere with customer loyalty, and thus revenues.

The Roman Catholic Church, partially responsible for the dark ages, instigating the mass executions and torture of countless dissenters, fomenting wars of all varieties, and bent on worldwide religious monopoly, is also a highly aggressive financial institution; having allowed the purchasing of indulgences, and both encouraged and coerced hefty donations from the most seriously impovershed peoples of the world. Its tradition of deceit, brutality and corruption goes back for nearly two millennia, making its transition to diabolic managment policies fairly painless. They are a fine addition to our family of companies.

Now, you can help define the fanatical, reactionary and idolatrous ideologies of the oldest theocratic conspiracy in the western world. Membership in the Secret Vatican Council gives you a brand new identity as a high ranking official in the Vatican heirarchy, with vague and easy-to-abuse powers, and a fearsome reputation. Our fostering of the spurious doctrine of the divine buggery has become a great success story, as thousands of previously celibate officials and religious leaders have found Heaven in each other’s body cavities and those of perplexed choirboys. If you are inventive, have a sadistic streak a mile wide, and enjoy costumes, this option may just be for you.

The Power of Mind Control: You too can join the ranks of Svengali, Rasputin, Mesmer, and the Reverend Jim Jones by becoming a master of telepathic mind control. Fun at parties, but most intriguing for soliciting one night stands and commanding enemies to dry hump the third rail on subway tracks, this freebie option is as potent as the imagination of its possessor.

Black Toad Abortifacients: The one true “morning after pill”, Black Toad has been bringing to consumers the most sophisticated and diabolically correct contraception since 803 A.D.! By applying a pair of attractive skin patches one week (or more) after union, you or your female companion will destroy the embryo and send its soul to Hell for transformation into a familiar spirit for aspiring witches.

Always recycle.

Pollution kills vegitation and wildlife, and Satan is ecologically minded; particularly so when it comes to serpents, spiders, apple trees, belladonna, black cats, goats, sharks, fire ants, hornets, locusts, wolverines, wolves, rats, blood flukes, killer bees, leeches, feral dogs, scorpions, and komodo dragons.

So, click the link below (graphic) to get the ball rolling so you can swiftly become everything you ever desired or lusted for. Go ahead, click it now.

Now Isn’t That A Great Fucking Deal!

Experience The Best Deal Today!

Dealing With Difficult People In Your Life

I have spent a considerable amount of time, which I sort of consider to be wasted time now, either dealing with difficult people or wondering what is the best way(s) to actually deal with the difficult people I encounter in my daily life. I have spent much quality time being a “people watcher” for many reasons. No, I do not have aspirations of being a great “people whisperer” but I have found that observation and silence are tools that give proven results in my life. Maybe you experience them as well. First, I had to be able to recognize the different kinds of difficult people. Second, I had to develop questions to ask myself about how I wanted to best deal with the difficult people I have in my life. Third, I had to learn different strategies to help me interact with the difficult people in my life. So, I was reading some things I wrote over time which have really been just “notes to self”. I started writing my questions, methods, answers, and strategies down back when I was in the Air Force since I learned that just because I perceived a person as difficult didn’t actually mean that person was difficult. These observations have grown year to year, job to job, marriage to marriage, and as I have aged or matured. So lets begin.

Do you recognize any of these 9 types of people?

• The Know-It-Alls – They are the arrogant and always have an opinion on every single subject. When they are wrong they get very defensive.
• The Passives – These are the people who never have an opinion and never offer a clue to where they stand.
• The Dictators – These people are constantly demanding and are overly brutally critical of others. They enjoy being the intimidating bully.
• The “Yes” People – These people will agree to everything and rarely follow through with any commitment they make. You learn fast that you cannot trust them.
• The “No” People – These are the inflexible people who are very quick to point out why something is wrong and show negativity towards making something work,
• The Gripers – They prefer complaining instead of finding solution because nothing is ever “right” for them to begin with.
• The Extremely Religious – This person has an extreme and unconditional approach with life and people. These are the people who fear their God(s) in such a way they feel they must spread the fear with every word they speak to anyone that will listen.
• The Bullshitter – They are the habitual liars who are habitually undependable in every aspect of their own being.
• The Fucktard – This is an extraordinarily stupid individual who is so willing to disregard all common sense. They are obviously oblivious to everything about everything in every way. This is a person of unbelievable, inexcusable and indescribable stupidity.

Now, I know damn well you recognize each and every one of the people listed above. I know, also, that this is a pretty short list, more “types” can be added of course, as well as sub-categorized. Being able to notice people is the key. These are the people you live with, work with, rely on, and communicate with on a daily basis. Once you recognize what kind of person they are you can develop a strategy to quickly, confidently, and effectively deal with every kind of difficult person. It’s actually easier than it sounds.

Ask yourself the following 20 questions:

1. Do you want to be able to understand the difficult people in your life?
2. Do you want to learn how they think, what they fear, and why they do what they do?
3. Do you want the ability to understand how to make dealing with them less frustrating?
4. Would you like to know specifically what to do and say in every difficult situation?
5. Would you like to be less of a target for the difficult people in your life?
6. Would you like to be able to derail difficult people and teach them to treat you with respect?
7. Do you want to bring out the best or worst in people?
8. Did you know that difficult people are not difficult people all the time?
9. Do you want to know what makes a difficult person tick?
10. Do you want to know why complainers are complaining?
11. Would you like to know how to get people to keep their word to you?
12. Would you like to be able to respond to those who practice one-upmanship?
13. Want to react better when you are being yelled at?
14. Is it possible to be in sync with a difficult person and get along?
15. Do you wish you reacted better when you are criticized unfairly?
16. Do you know when to back down or to hold your ground?
17. What do you do with excuse makers and blamers in your life?
18. Do you wish people didn’t or couldn’t push your “buttons”?
19. Can you give an aggressive person an alternative direction to the aggression and conflict?
20. Did you know that specific “body language” is a more powerful tool than actual words.

In the end I think everyone gets tired of over-blown promises that turn out to just be an empty bucket. You can take control. You can be in charge. You can own what you think and break out of the bad habits that you have created or that have been created by others. Are you one of the 9 types of people I listed? Oddly enough most people are a collective of many types based on the people that surround them. Over time your actions, voice, and personality will become contagious to those who are around you. Toxic people become less of a threat once you understand what makes them the way they are. There are many factors to understanding others and most often begins with understanding oneself first. It is hard to heal a wound that cannot be seen. Now, I know you are waiting for the “punch-line” or the “answer” and unfortunately I don’t have either to offer. I can, however, offer unsolicited advice which shows that tact and skill in handling difficult people become very enviable traits in a person. Changing your ways will be something that is noticed immediately and at that point you have balanced the playing field. Once you realize your own person power over difficult people your confidence in any situation will become one of your best traits. If you take nothing more away from this information just remember to just smile at a difficult person because it will throw them off guard because they will spend endless amounts of time wondering why you are smiling at them. Meanwhile they tend to forget why they were being difficult and often dismiss themselves from the conversation or situation. Personally, I know I can defuse any difficult person by doing two simple things, being silent and smiling. It works.

A Girl And Her New Truck

 I have mentioned a time or two how my 17 y/o daughter is driving now and how she has a fascination with driving my trucks. Most of her driving education was completed in one of my trucks. In fact her driver’s education was provided by me thru the PTDE program (Parent Taught Drivers Education) offered here in Texas. Now, she has a car (currently for sale) that was given to her by her biological father over a year ago for her sixteenth birthday. He had bought a new vehicle and figured he would give her his old car. Well, it isn’t that old, it’s a 2008 Nissan Sentra SE-R which had only 17K miles on it. He thought it was perfect for her since she’s only 5′ tall. Since day one she has not really cared for it a great deal and said she felt very “small” in it when she was driving. But, we kept the car because it was a gift. That don’t mean it was driven a great deal. There has been under one thousand miles put on it in 14 months. Secretly, her and her grandmother had been searching for a truck. However, her and her grandmother didn’t exactly know what they were looking for or what they were looking at altogether. This is where I was called in. They needed help locating a truck. Now, if my daughter had her way, she would be driving my H1 Alpha because she thinks I need to give it to her. Way wrong answer. What’s the next best thing? Well, actually, there isn’t a next best thing because nothing else on the planet even compares to a H1 Alpha. I hunted for many months across the continental United States to find the one I want, I have no intention of parting with it just yet. They know I will search until I find exactly what I want and I won’t settle.

First of all I sat down with her and she explained what she was looking for in a truck. Her list wasn’t real hard to fathom and I figured I would be able to fulfill what she wanted to have. Now we had to talk budget. She has scrimped and saved 2 thousand dollars, her grandmother gave me five thousand dollars, and as I found out, the rest was going to be up to me. Hey, it’s better than having to foot the entire cost myself, so I graciously took all donations. She explained she was looking for solid red, solid black, or solid white. She wanted four doors. She wanted it to be 4×4 with a small lift. She wanted it to be an older model Ford. She wanted it to be a standard because she has found that to be her preference. She didn’t want a fixer upper, she wanted something to drive right away. That was about it for what she was actually looking for. Seemed like it would be easy enough because what she was looking for was pretty broad in the overall scale of things. Plus, living here in Texas, finding a 4×4 Ford isn’t all that hard, it’s the finding the right one for sale that showed to be a challenge. I have some standard places I start when looking to buy anything vehicular, Craigslist.com and Autotrader.com because they usually have a great local selection. If those two fail me I grab an actual paper and go from there. I searched on and off for a couple weeks and really didn’t see anything I wanted to give money for because I really didn’t care for them. My wife said I should have been taking my daughter out looking because it should be her choice. True. But beyond how it looks she would be no help. Although, I have been teaching her about the importance of everything under the hood and under the vehicle. I don’t know if it all makes total sense to her or not. She has “gear head” tendencies for sure, but I don’t want to force any of it on her, I just want her to know more than where to put the fuel.

All of the looking and disappointment soon came to end. My daughter, son, and I were driving to the lumber yard, yes an actual outdoor lumber yard, when we saw this red 4×4 Ford F350 with a 4-sale sign in the back window. She wrote down the phone number so we could call the owner later and maybe look at it. After spending about an hour at the lumber yard we finally found what we were looking for, got loaded up, and headed home. I got so involved in what we were doing that I had forgot we had a phone number to call. After a few hours I was reminded by my daughter to call. I was pretty disappointed because I had to leave a message as my inquiry. So, back to work. Later in the day just before dinner the gentleman gave me a call back. We discussed the truck in some detail and I decided it was worth a look. I didn’t tell my daughter he called because I wanted us looking at the truck to be a real surprise. The following morning, Sunday, we all loaded up in the H1 to go for a “ride”. Only my wife and I knew where we were going. We figured we would have fun and make a game out of it all. Since the man lived about 40 miles away from my house we just enjoyed the drive thru the countryside. It was quite nice just milling about way out in the boondocks. Finally we arrived at our final destination. As we drove up the dirt driveway I mentioned that I had to make a detour to talk to a man about some parts I was looking for that I needed to repair a trailer. I said we would only be a few minutes and then we could be on our way again. We pulled up by the house and the man was walking out the front door to meet us. I jumped out to go talk to him in advance of everyone else. Everyone else got out and came to where I was to meet up with me. The man said they could go look around all the old junk while we talked. My kids wandered off back behind the garage and disappeared out of sight. All of a sudden I’m getting a text message from my daughter to tell me that this man had a truck similar to the one we had saw driving the day before. She wanted me to come look at it and if I liked it to talk him into selling it. Really? This is an amazing development! We all made it back around the garage and my daughter was smiles from ear to ear. It was funny to watch. The only thing she said to me was “ask him”.

He started out telling us a story about the truck and how he ended up with it. His youngest son was the owner of the truck. His youngest son is a Marine who was killed in Afghanistan 18 months ago at age 23. He said he was holding onto the truck because he believed it would have sentimental value. He would drive it once a month or so to keep everything in good condition, he would keep the oil changed, he always kept it clean. But, now he wanted to sell it because he was done with his mourning and felt selling it would help him and his wife to move on with their own lives. Now, I didn’t know all of this about his son in advance, but I’m glad that he shared. He quickly changed gears and wanted to show off everything this truck had to offer. This was, however, his son’s first love. He spent every last nickel he had making this the truck that stood before us and spared no expense doing so over the years. The simple version of what was offered with this truck is as follows. It’s a 1997 F350 Crewcab Powerstoke 7.3L diesel with a 6″ suspension lift, 36″ tires, a 4″ dual exhaust, K & N treatment, and a Banks Power System. Also, it had electric trailer brake hook ups as well as a hide-away gooseneck ball. It also boasted a very clean and very well maintained interior. It is a 5 speed manual transmission as well as being what my daughter says is the perfect shade of red. To top it all off it has only 98,000 miles on it. Pretty much this truck has hit every mark on my daughter’s wish list. I was thinking quietly to myself that the truck was perfect to add to our family because it could be used to work as well as looking pretty. Let’s give it a test drive to see how it runs. It ran impressively, I would have no concerns with her driving this truck at all. I was also thinking he was about to drop the price bomb on me and it wasn’t going to be pretty. So, we started talking about price and he started talking about all the add-ons and special treatments it had. Then, after a long sigh he said a price that almost put me on my ass. Now, I was expecting something between $19K and $22K as it sits. So, I was very surprised, as well as happy when he said $11K will drive it home today. There is only one hiccup in the whole deal, he has no idea where the title is located. No big deal, I will pay the additional $25.00 for the title search. We shook hands and the deal was said and done. My daughter was so excited she ran up to him and gave him a very big hug and a very heart felt thank you. I gave him $9,000.00 in cash and wrote a check for the remaining $2,000.00 and then he handed the keys to my daughter.

After everything was settled I called USAA (my insurance provider) and had the truck added so we could drive it home. Everything was set with only one exception, the only two people who can drive a standard are my daughter and I. And she has very little experience doing it. So, she wants me to ride with her to ensure she has no problems. What does this mean? It means my wife will need to drive my H1 home. No big deal right? Wrong, in the almost 2 years I have had the H1 she has never driven it. Why? Because she thinks it is way to big, so she has never wanted to drive it. Well, today is the day I tell her. I just told her to follow us and try to keep up. We took off like a band of outlaws and hit the road to head home. My daughter did wonderful driving her new truck and had no problems. My wife had the same success and when we got home she handed me the keys and told me she has no desire to ever drive it again. My daughter said it is a big difference between driving her new truck and driving her Sentra. She loves it. We did good. My wife thinks it’s a bit too big for my daughter because she is so small. My daughter says those are fightin’ words. Once we got home she wanted me to take a few pictures for her………so she could update her Facebook status. So, I did my best and she posted pictures of her new truck. In the end the reason I’m writing this post is because I had a few pictures and the journey to finding the truck has been an interesting one. It made me think about how every vehicle tells a story about the previous owner and now the story continues with this truck and my daughter. I know what you are thinking, and yes, my daughter is a redneck just like her dear old dad. I have to hand it to her, she knew what she wanted, and now she is happy. Sadly, she said jokingly, her boyfriend can’t drive the truck because he can’t drive a standard and she’s not going to teach him. Kinda mean if you ask me.