Well, saying I found this cell phone is putting it mildly. Let’s say that when I noticed the cell phone it was after I pulled into the parking space at Home Depot. I heard a crunch and when I back up a bit and got out of my H1 I saw the carnage. Truly it was an unforseen accident. For a moment I even felt a little bad. But then that turned into laughing silently because some dumb bastard dropped his phone in the parking lot and doesn’t even know it, and now I killed it. Oooops. My first thought was to kick it so it would slide under someone else’s vehicle, but then I wanted to pick it up to see of it still turned on. My curiosity got the best of me because I bent over and pocked the damn thing up. I quickly realized that the phone was identical to mine, well except my phone isn’t smashed to shit, but it madefiguring out how to power it on super simple. I like simple. It took a very long time, meaning like 3 minutes, before it went to the home screen. Now, I am thinking the phone belongs to a female because the background is a picture of a dozen roses and a bottle of wine. No, I am not being stereotypical, I am being assuming, there’s a difference. So, the phone at least powers on, so I decided to see what else it had going on. Does it have service? Yes, good signal and 4G lit up nice and proud. I open the contacts, well, attempted to, and there was an error which made the phone restart. I’m thinking man this phone is fucked up. When it came back on I went to the recent calls and it spazzed out again restarting. Maybe a trash can would be okay, just wipe my prints off, toss it, and walk away. But nooooooooooooo, I’m too nosey for that and I am too curious to do that. Okay, maybe see if this person had some pictures to look at. Ummm, there are pictures I should have never seen. Let’s just say she took quite a few very intimate selfies everywhere she damn well pleased. Now, I will admit, I didn’t mind looking at her naked, I felt bad for doing so, but was also humored knowing that she mist be concerned that somebody would see the pictures.
Then, out of the blue the fucking things vibrating in my hand, someone was calling. What do I do? Answer it? I think not. Then she gets a voicemail. Moments later she gets a text. She has it set up where the text opens automatically on top of everything else. The text read: “If you find this phone please reply or return a call to the last number”. I wonder if she realized her lost phone was on vibrate. Probably not. Wanting to return her property I returned the text and said “you can retrieve your phone at the customer service desk at the Home Depot where she misplaced it, they are expecting you”. I left it in the care of a very nice woman and went on my way, I was here to get a toilet kit so I could stop the toilet in my show from running all the time. After checking out I asked the woman if anyone came to claim the phone and she said no. I was parked up front so I went out and waited for a bit to see if she was coming. After about ten minutes or so I saw her walking in. A few minutes layer she is walking out, looking around very suspicious like. I could see the look on her face, she looked very upset and disappointed. She walked out to her little Lexus sports car and drove away. See, I can be a nice guy when I want to be. As far as I know this story has had a happy ending. In the end I was left wondering what she was thinking at the moment she realized she had misplaced her phone. The reality is that all I can do is just imagine. I guess the moral of this story is be careful what you keep on your cell phone because this could one day be you.
I usually give Walmart, in general, quite a bit of grief because of what I see locally and how Walmart seems to be this machine that feeds on greed, deception, and slight of hand. That’s not why I’m here today. today I actually have something nice to say about our local Walmart Supercenter. My son and I found ourselves out at our local Walmart Supercenter on Sunday afternoon because we were looking for a deep fryer since it appears that mine took a dive off the deep end never to be working again. It was a good fryer but it was time for her to be retired after 15 years. Anyway, we headed out to the closest and most convenient place to shop. Now, this is not normal behavior for me because I actually can’t stand going to Walmart for so many reasons. The top of those reasons being the people skills there suck ass, the lines are always long, and it always seems that the one person I get to talk to acts like they are doing me a favor. So, I avoid this place like the plague.
I actually had no intention on going to Walmart, but since I was at the Home Depot that shares the parking lot I bit the bullet and made the choice just to deal with it. I got something unexpected, I found what I was looking for, experienced no line, it was on sale a considerable amount lower than anybody by $20, and I had found a parking spot right up front. What I expected to take a few miserable hours actually took me less than 15 minutes from the time I parked until I got back in my car. I actually left with a smile, like I just got one over on Walmart. Then, the reason for this post, as we exited the store, I saw the huge sign which pointed out that this Walmart would be closed from 9pm Tuesday night until 5am Thursday morning. Which was a shocker, I have never seen this Walmart closed, ever, not even for 30 seconds.
As you can tell I am both shocked and pleased. I was in and out like a flash of lightning and Walmart will be letting their people have Christmas day off to be with their families. As fantastic as that may sound I still wonder quietly at what price it will be to the employees. Walmart isn’t known for paid holiday time off. Will the regularly scheduled employees be getting a paid holiday? I have searched on the internet for answers, found none. A friend at work whose wife has been a part time employee of that Walmart for 15 years stated that she will just have the day off without pay and she doesn’t know about everyone else. So who knows. The important part is that this Walmart will be closed for a whopping 32 hours over Christmas, and for that alone I give them a thumbs up instead of my normal solo bird.
Y’all can consider this to be part two to Our Family Thanksgiving Tradition which was published on 25 November 2013. I provide the link only if y’all need to catch up, refresh, or both. Whichever y’all decide to do, just hurry up, we have allot to discuss. When I left off last time I mentioned that we dressed out our wild turkey and set it to soak in a magic recipe. But, before I give y’all those details so y’all might try it out some day for yourselves, y’all must make sure you have one very specific item, and that is a 5 gallon bucket with a tight sealing lid. I prefer to get mine from Home Depot because, to date, they have yet to ever, and I mean ever, fail me for having a leak proof tight lid. But, y’all make that call when I’m not looking. Also, for the meat haters who love to hate it when I write about meat I just want you to know, specifically you, yes, a wild turkey was harmed (killed) to complete this recipe. There, I said it, now get over yourselves and either turn tail and leave or read on. Now, wash the 5 gallon bucket and lid real well, scrub it good. When it is clean and dry place it on a chair and make sure it isn’t going to fall off of it. Place one dressed wild turkey in the bucket, neck up and tail down. Pour two 750ml bottles of Wild Turkey into the bucket with the turkey. Y’all can use the basic run of the mill Wild Turkey if you please, I had a case of Rare Breed leftover from a party when I worked at the club, so I used it, well, two bottles of it anyway.
Open two large cans of whole berry cranberry sauce and pour those in as well. Wash 4 good sized oranges and slice them into 1/4″ thick slices leaving the peels on. Take all of the slices and slice them in half then put them in the bucket. Wash and cut 1 each red, yellow, and green bell pepper. Put those in the bucket now. Wash and cut 4 jalapeno peppers and place those in the bucket. I also added 1/4 cub Tabasco Sauce, 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce, 1 cup (packed) brown sugar, and 1/2 cup (finely chopped) mint leaves. Whatever space remains in the bucked fill with cool water until the liquid level is about 1 1/2″ from the top. Securely put the lid on and I mean make sure it’s on tight or you will have a mess to clean up. Carefully remove the handle from the bucket and set it aside for now. Lay the bucket on the floor on it’s side and roll it back and forth until you think everything has blended well. As tempting as it may be do not, under any circumstances, take that lid off until you are ready to smoke it. Now, I happen to have a refrigerator that I have taken the bottom shelf out of so my bucket fits just fine, you’ll have to see what works for you as it needs to sit this way for a few days. Mine sat like this for 96 hours (4 days).
After you get your smoker up to temperature it will be time for the turkey. I began my fire with red oak until the smoker would maintain about 500F, then I added some hickory and mesquite which had been soaking in a bigger bucket for a few days that was filled with water. When you are ready for the turkey just pry the lid off the bucket, reach in there barehanded, grab the turkey, and slap it on the smoker. Do not discard the remaining contents in the bucket, some of it will get smoked and some of it will be used in a bit. The remaining contents need to be strained so all of the liquid is removed. One can also “dip” everything out as well. Split the solids in to equal portions. Take one portion and put it in a blender or food processor and puree the snot out it. If it is really thick, add a little Coke. It should come out the consistency of ketchup. Set that mixture back in the fridge. The remaining portion can be placed on a cookie sheet, covered with something, and placed into the fridge. Those will be put on the smoker when there is only about 2 hours remaining. Now, do not open your smoker to look at the turkey because it is doing just fine without you looking at letting the heat and smoke out. Mine cooked for 12 hours. At the 6 hour mark I took the puree mixture and slathered it all over the turkey. Close the smoker. Discard all remaining puree.
Now that you have around 2 hours remaining of cook time, put that cookie sheet of peppers and orange slices on the smoker uncovered. They will be removed when you remove the turkey from the smoker. When the time is up, carefully remove your smoked turkey. Use “hot gloves” so you can grab the whole turkey and keep it together. Place the turkey on your selected platter, leave uncovered, and let it “rest” for around 1 hour. The peppers and oranges can be used as garnish, ground up and put into something, or just eaten, the choice is yours. We cut ours up and make a salsa concoction out of it. Your turkey will slice very easily and should have a deep smoke ring as well as a nice crust on the outside. Now has come the time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Making a turkey this way is time consuming and requires quite a bit of patience. Unfortunately there are no short cuts if you want it to come out right. I hope everyone enjoyed this information provided here today. Feel free to share it with family and friends. The more people smoking means the more opportunities there are to explore the best ways to come up with great creations.
Now, I feel inclined to add some things for the meat haters and the anti-alcohol people. First, this isn’t the only way to make a turkey, it is however, my personal way, one that works for me. First, a note about alcohol content in the meat. Since the meat is smoked at a temperature well over 172F (the boiling point of alcohol) for pretty close to 12 hours the remaining alcohol contained in the meat is way less than 5% if any at all. You will be, however, left with all the flavor that the Wild Turkey provides when used in smoking. Don’t believe me, just look it up and the answer will be revealed to you. As mentioned, yes, a turkey was killed, in fact it was killed by my 12 y/o son using a compound bow. You may not think so, but bow hunting has become a lost art with very few in the next generation being taught the skills and techniques. It’s a way of life in my family, we are not city folks, we live in the outskirts of society where being able to provide meat for the table is a gift not a curse. I’m sorry that so many people are against killing animals to eat because it makes it hard for people like myself and my family to enjoy a passion which we have all grown up loving. Unfortunately, you bastards attacked me when I published a post about the hunt, and unfortunately some of y’all will feel inclined to bitch at me and lecture me once again. Well, make sure what you say is worth a shit so I have something worthy of writing about, because if it’s not than you’ve just wasted both of our time. I’m not writing here to offend anybody, I’m just writing about a big aspect of my life, hunting and smoking meats. I hope everyone who celebrated Thanksgiving had a safe holiday and had an enjoyable time, I know we did. Until Next time, remember to eat it every day.