Family trees and how we related with adoption

Originally posted 13 December 2011

I have a fairly complex family tree. I have tried to put it down on paper for my children as well as my self, but a traditional style family tree format is just not the right tool. When you leave here confused all I can say is shake it off and welcome to my world. Before I begin this little saga, lets give a little background history of me first. I am adopted. I have known this fact forever, it was never hidden from me nor was it spoke about in a shameful manner. My parents were very open on this subject to me and my older sister, also adopted. I spent my life up to my early 20’s content with not knowing anything about anything other than my own family. I always had to fudge a little when filling out medical forms about family medical history, I was healthy so why the hell not. Let me tell you what changed all of that. In October 1990 my daughter was born. Again, we, my now ex-wife and I were given questionnaires about medical history. I became overwhelmed with guilt because my side was basically blank except for information about me. I didn’t know what I had passed on to her genetically. How could I know? With that, I promised my hours old daughter that I would embark on the journey I said I would never take and find my biological parents. I never wanted to, my family was all I needed. I looked at it very simple, very black and white, they put me up for adoption, they made that choice, they washed their hands of it all.This trek to gather needed information was a bit challenging in the beginning, partly because I lived in Japan and partly because my mother had zero information and my father was deceased (these being my adopted parents). On top of all of that, my adoption records were sealed permanently. Well, nothing is permanent, except death, and that can’t be fixed. After a few years I got my adoption records unsealed. Many thanks to all the clerks and judges who made it happen, because all of it was done through international mail. To my surprise, there was very little useful information. The pages were blacked out like you see in the movies where all the pertinent information is censored out and you are left with gibberish and crap. The background “story” was an interesting read, years later I found out almost every detail was fiction. The useful information was I had my biological mothers full name, social security number, and last known address in 1968. Everything else was fiction. I did find out why it was supposed to be sealed for life, because she was a minor (16 to be exact) and the adoption was treated as an unwanted child due to rape. I spent many years believing what I had read. During the course of life I had become divorced and remarried in 2000. I hadn’t given any adoption any further thought for some time, for good reasons, because I decided to bury my past, well, somebody’s past, and continue to live my life. But, and this is a big but, after I re-married, we were unpacking, me in a room, my wife in another. Then all of a sudden she comes out balling and whimpering. What the hell? She had found my buried box and read everything I had. Oops, did I forget to mention I was adopted? Of course not, but it was a very short and simple conversation when we were dating. Talk about opening old wounds, because she wanted to talk about it all with me. Why? I think she watched to many stories on tv. Now, this gets real interesting from this point forward.

A few weeks later I get a phone call. I worked graveyard shift so my wife came in to wake me. It was a call from my biological mother. I would have liked to see the freaking look on my face. After I hang up I find out that my wife has been busy on the internet and had been taking some stabs in the dark hunting for information, behind my back. I had told her back when that it was all settled and done for me. Wrong. We got some limited information from her, basic stuff really, some I already knew. Over the course of the next several years, due to lack of time or lack of interest, or both, I would delve into the information, hit dead ends, stop, start again, until finally I got frustrated, especially when I discovered, by accident, that my biological mother was lieing to me this whole time. Angry, I phoned her and asked what kind of games she thought she was playing. She was trying to protect her family who knew absolutely nothing about me and she wanted to keep it that way. Fine, fuck you, I wont ever contact you ever again, have a nice life. Apparently she had a clearing of thought and mind, maybe a little guilt, who knows, but she called me out of the blue a few weeks later to lay it all down for me. Reasoning? We are all adults now so we must let the chips fall the way they will. I was given the real name of my biological father and she explained how everything was bunk to protect him and his family. So, you probably gathered, it wasn’t a rape.

Now, now the story gets good. She was their babysitter. Gasp. What? Really? Anyway, they had a thing that was going nowhere because he was married and had kids and she was 16 and so on and so forth, you get the jist. But wait……….. she gets pregnant, oops. Which leads us right back to the beginning. Now, I think I know it all. Wrong. Way way wrong. I did find the phone number for whom I was very confident was my biological father and a few of his sons. So, one day, after staring at this freaking number for about 6 months, I got a wild hair on my ass and just called. Probably one of the most screwed up phone calls I have ever been a part of. A man answered the phone. I asked if I could talk to bleep bleep and the man said that would be a doozey of a trick because bleep bleep was deceased. The only thing going thru my head was sooooonnnnnnn offffff aaaaaaa biiiiiiiittttttccccchhhhh. So, I asked if these names were his sons and were these still good numbers, he said yes, and we hung up. Now, this is 2008 when this conversation took place, my biological father died in 1996. I called one of the sons, no answer, had to leave a message. It was a strange message, I explained who I was and that I would like to speak with to see if he was who I was looking for, left my cell phone number. A few hours later, I get his call. I couldn’t speak, I was afraid, so my wife spoke first. It is his son she explains, so I spoke with him. I gave him the details I knew and he confined them. He also filled in a few of the empty places for me. He said he needed some time to absorb all of this new information. As he explained to me that no-one ever knew and his dad died with the secret intact. I found out a few days later that the person I spoke to the first time was my deceased biological father’s wife’s new husband. The second person I called, the son, broke the news to his mother as gently as he could I guess. How do you start that conversation? Sooooo, I got this call from Texas today…..

Since all of this started, I have managed to meet all the children on my biological fathers side and spoke to the two boys on my biological mothers side. Let me see if I can work this out so everyone might understand. I have 2 step sisters (both younger), I have 6 half sisters (1 younger and 5 older), I have 7 half brothers (2 younger and 5 older) and 1 adopted sister (older). So, now I will explain how it all comes together. My parents adopted my older sister and I at birth. My parents divorced and both remarried, each having a daughter. My biological mother had 2 sons after me and the rest belong to my biological father. The only person I have not met or spoke to is my biological father because he has long been deceased by the time I got around to digging.

So, I challenge someone to make me a family tree. Don’t forget my two daughters, one grand daughter and my wife. I can’t pay anything to anyone, just do it for fun and see what a fine mess it creates. We can get to all the aunts and uncles and so forth later, it isn’t really needed for this demonstration. This tale gets easier to tell when writing it all down. Usually I get very choked up and have a hard time finishing. Its dramatic to me, starts out with joy, moves to saneness and disappointment, joy, anger, let down, excitement, and then I can relax before I go finish sending out all my Christmas cards. That used to be a simple task, quick too. Anyway, thanks for listening and hope someone got something out of my real life tale.